I didn’t want to. But he grabbed me and shoved me into the trashcan.
It smelled bad. I threw up. And they just kept laughing and shoving me.
Every day is the same. I hate going to school. I try to stay home but my mom makes me go. She says I can’t let them get to me. That I have to be strong. I don’t want to be strong.
I want them to stop.
The only thing I like about school is Ellie. I like seeing her. When she talks to me in class, it makes me happy.
She is still mean sometimes but she is nicer now. She asks me about my drawings and she tells me she wishes she could draw too.
I tell her I can teach her.
She laughs and says she isn’t talented enough. I like her laugh. It makes my insides feel weird.
I still get angry when she calls me Freaky Flynn. But it also makes me feel something else. Not mad, but worse. My new doctor says it is sadness. He helps me figure out the way I am feeling and how to tell what other people are feeling.
I know when Ellie is frowning, she is mad. And when she is laughing, she is happy. But the other stuff is harder to figure out. I don’t understand when she looks at me sometimes and her mouth turns down. It makes me nervous.
And I feel sad when Ellie is mean to me. When she is with her friends she is just as mean as they are.
I want to cry when she calls me bad words. I don’t like it when she cusses. I told her that once and then she got mad and called me something even worse. Then she laughed with her friends and I felt bad.
But she is nice to me in class and then I’m happy again.
She is pretty. When I go home, I’ll draw her face. But I still hate the colors she puts in her hair.
She came to school one day without any color in it and she looked really nice. I told her she was pretty and she smiled at me. And I felt weird inside again. It was like a tingling but better.
My mom isn’t able to pick me up after school today and I am worried. She started a new job and she told me sometimes I would have to walk home. I didn’t want to walk home. It was really far. I would get lost.
So Mom bought me a watch and told me it would take me eighteen minutes to walk home. Mom and I had walked back and forth from school to my house five times over the weekend so I knew where I was going.
Mom was right. It took exactly eighteen minutes to get home. I knew which houses I’d see and how long it should take. Mom had written down the times so I could check my watch.
But I am still nervous.
My stomach feels tight as I start to walk down the road after school. What if Dania or Stu try to hurt me? What if they yell at me and call me names? That makes me worry. I rub my hands together. Up and down. Over and over again.
“Hey!” I hear someone yell but I won’t look at them. I just have to keep walking. I am scared it is Dania or Stu.
“Hey!” they call out again and I start to walk faster. I don’t want to be called names again. I don’t want to feel angry.
“Flynn, stop!” A hand grabs my arm and I flinch back.
“Don’t touch me!” I yell, pushing the hand away.
Ellie holds up her hands and frowns. “Sorry! I didn’t mean anything. I just saw you walking and wondered where you were going,” she said and I don’t know if she is going to be mean or not. Her eyes are frowning but I can’t tell if she is angry.
“Are you mad at me?” I ask.
Ellie frowns again, her mouth turns down. “Why would I be mad at you?” she said.
“You’re frowning and your mouth looks mean. I thought that meant you were mad,” I tell her.
Ellie’s mouth isn’t turned down anymore. She is smiling. I know this means she is happy. And then she laughs and my stomach feels like bugs crawling around inside. I like her laugh. It makes me feel good.
“You’re so fucking weird Freaky,” she said.
