“You know what, Mom? If you cared about mywell-beingyou’d back off and let me live my life with whomever I choose to live it with,” I spat at her. My mother’s eyes widened in shock at my outburst.
Yes, this was not the little girl she knew. This was some crazy woman who was wearing Maggie Young’s skin. My mom drew herself upright and a stern look took over her face. “Don’t you dare speak to me that way! Your father and I have always done what was best for you.”
I cut her off with a maniacal laugh. “What’s best for me? Are you kidding? You have pretty much forbidden me from seeing the only guy I’ll ever love! How is that good for me?” I shrieked at her.
My mom sighed and gave me a less-than-patient look. “Stop being so dramatic. I tried to like Clayton, if you’ll remember. It doesn’t change the fact that while you were with him you made terrible decisions and behaved reprehensibly. You started lying, sneaking around, shutting out your friends. Love doesn’t make you act like that, Maggie. No matter what you choose to believe.”
“You don’t know the first thing about Clay and me. You never will!” I yelled, grinding the heels of my hands into my eyes. I felt like I was about to bust out of my skin. I was so wound up about Clay and everything else, I just couldn’t deal with my parents right now.
Her face took on a concerned expression. “What’s going on, Maggie? You’ve always been able to tell me things. You know I’d listen.” For a moment, I softened. I wanted to tell her everything. I wanted to go back to the time when I felt like my mother would listen to me without condemnation and judgment.
Maybe, just maybe, I could share with her everything that was going on with Clay and she’d have some advice, a suggestion or two. And I wouldn’t feel so freaking alone in all this mess.
But her next statement blew my little fantasy out of the water.
“But you have to stop getting so worked up over thatboy. He is nothing but trouble. Look at yourself, Maggie May. Look at who you’ve become. I think you need to really think about the way he has completely taken over your life. Is this thing you have with him really worth saving?” Her psychobabble made me want to gouge my eyes out. Or hers. Whichever came first.
I covered my face with my hands and screamed in frustration. “Are you serious?” I screeched. I leapt to my feet. “This is total bullshit! Nobody has taken over my life. Your Clay paranoia is ridiculous! Have you ever thought that maybe I’m just changing? God forbid that I’m not your perfect little girl anymore. That I have feelings that have absolutelynothingto do with you and Dad?! My life is mine! And I’m sick of your insane need to control it!” My mom opened her mouth to say something, probably to scold me for cursing, but I kept on going.
“You are the ones driving me crazy and creating all of this drama. So, please, just give it a rest.” My anger dissipated and only exhaustion remained. If there was one thing this little powwow had accomplished, it was making a decision about Clay crystal-fucking-clear.
I wouldn’t turn my back on him the way everyone else always had. He needed me and that was more important than my parents’ anger and disappointment. But I couldn’t argue about this with them anymore. I was done. This would no longer be a topic of conversation between us.
My mom’s mouth hung open and she was for once at a loss for words. She took a deep breath and looked at me as if I had morphed into a mutant. She stood up, still looking at me, as if trying to see the daughter she used to know inside me somewhere.
“I don’t even know the person you’ve become, Maggie May. This person”—she waved her hand toward me—“is angry and bitter and way too invested in some high-school romance that in no way defines the rest of your life. Wake up! Get yourself together,” my mother said coldly. I knew this was her idea of tough love, but I was having none of it.
I sagged to the floor, my legs not supporting my weight any longer. I didn’t have anything else to say. I was all out of words. I couldn’t convince someone who was way past convincing. My mom walked to the door and turned back to look at me again. Her expression had changed to one of worry. And I could see how much she ached for my pain. But I also saw her grim resolve and that, in her mind, she truly knew what was best for me.
“Clayis notwhat’s best for you, Maggie. I know he’s not a bad kid. In fact, I can see a lot of what you love about him. But he is leading you down a very bad path, one that you may not be able to turn away from. Sometimes love can’t make everything better, and the best thing for everyone is to walk away. No matter how much it may hurt.”
My heart constricted at her words. They resonated inside me and I had a hard time catching my breath. But then my anger surged forth again and I looked at her with all the rage I had been feeling.
“What doyouknow about Clay and me?! You knownothing!” I spat hatefully.
My mom actually flinched at the venom I threw at her. I was being an ungrateful little bitch and I knew it. But my priorities in life had significantly changed, and my parents and their need to keep me safe was not one of them.
Without another word, my mom left, looking heartbroken. But I was done feeling guilty about all of this. I flopped back on my bed, wanting desperately to sleep. Rest evaded me and I lay there, staring at my ceiling, and wondered how my life had gotten so messed up.
chapter
twenty-one
ididn’t go down for dinner, refusing to leave my room even after my dad came up and offered to bring me something to eat. I wouldn’t go downstairs and pretend life was hunky-dory when it was all a lie. So I holed up in my room, playing depressing indie rock and staring at the drawings Clay had given me over the past few months.
The words he had written burned into my brain and I felt the sting of tears in my eyes. I thought over and over again about the look on his face when I’d left him that afternoon. He looked like I was killing him.
Why did things have to get so out of control? I replayed things in a continuous loop in my head. The first time I met Clay. The Fall Formal. The way he held me the first time we saidI love you.Falling asleep in his arms at the cabin.
But then those warm memories became tainted by the dark ones. The night of Melissa’s party. His breakdown on his bedroom floor. His constant anger and jealousy. Finding him cutting.
However, none of that changed what I felt deep down. I loved him with every fiber of my being. And I felt like I had failed him. He had warned me that he pushed and pushed to see if I would stick. And I hadn’t. I had allowed him to shove me right out of his life without fighting.
And what Clay needed was someone to fight for him.
I waited until I knew my parents had gone to bed before leaving my room to wash my face. I wanted to avoid any further confrontations. Back in my room, I changed into my favorite flannel pajamas and turned on Pink Floyd. I needed something to soothe my frazzled nerves.
I lay down on my bed and within five minutes I was asleep.
