His behavior and mood were becoming more and more erratic. I felt any control I had had over the situation fading every day. It was as if he was putting that wall back up, one angry brick at a time.
And I couldn’t find my way over it, under it, or through it. He was on one side and I was firmly on the other. Soon, Clay started ditching school earlier and earlier.
And that was just the beginning. I had asked him about cutting school and Clay had given me that angry look again and told me to stop acting like I was his mother. His words were like a knife to my gut. I had been unable to stop the tears from forming in my eyes. He was so short and terse with me all the time lately. I felt us drifting further and further apart.
I hated crying and that’s all I did anymore. I was one big pile of misery. And that misery had the name Clayton Reed.
I seriously considered going to Ruby and Lisa. I wanted to tell them what was going on with Clay. I needed someone’s help desperately. But what would they really be able to do? Lisa had made it clear that his parents held all the cards. So I watched as he moved further away from me and I was powerless to stop it. My words meant nothing to him anymore. The fact that he hurt me every single day didn’t matter.
I was losing him. And it terrified me.
After being completely ignored for several days, I had finally lost it during lunch. I had yelled at Clay and, then, to my utter humiliation, I began to sob. Rachel and Daniel were frozen, completely paralyzed by my sudden crazy emotions. This was not the Maggie May Young they were accustomed to seeing.
Clay had started off angry but when I had begun to cry, it was like the flick of a light switch. He had softened, seeing how badly he had hurt me. He had hugged me and told me he loved me, apologizing for his attitude. I melted into his arms like I always did, desperate for things to be as they had been.
But they weren’t. Not by a long shot. Clay was mad all the time and I had no idea how to help him. Eventually he stopped coming to lunch, leaving school around midday. I didn’t know where he went. He would never say. He would tell me only not to worry so much. But of course I worried. That’s all I did anymore: Worry. And cry. Then worry some more.
I had defied my parents’ grounding after a few more days of this miserable existence. I decided to head to Clay’s house after school. My heart sank when I saw his parents’ car in the driveway. My palms started to sweat as I made my way to the front door.
I knocked and waited. No one came to the door. I knocked again. Finally Clay answered. He looked like hell. There were dark circles under his eyes, his skin was pasty, and his clothes were rumpled as if he had slept in them.
What was worse was that he looked less than thrilled to seeme.
“What are you doing here?” he bit out, looking over his shoulder. I tried to peer behind him to see what had made him so skittish, but he blocked my view.
“I was worried about you. I wanted to make sure you were all right,” I said softly. I tried to reach out and touch him but he moved away from me.
“Well, I’m just fucking dandy. You can leave now.” He tried to shut the door in my face but I stuck my foot out to stop it from closing.
“Clay. Stop shoving me away! How can you treat me like this after everything we’ve been through?” I pleaded, feeling those annoying tears slide down my face yet again.
I saw a momentary crack in his cold facade. His eyes softened and I thought just maybe I had reached him. But he slammed the wall back up and his face hardened. “I’m tired of everyone’ssupport,” he spat out, looking at me with disdain. “Stop worrying about me. I don’t need your pity or your concern.”
I opened my mouth to argue with him some more. I couldn’t let him push me away like that. But then I saw Mrs. Reed come down the hallway. She came up behind Clay and put her hand on his shoulder. He tensed, as if waiting for a blow.
“Aren’t you going to ask your friend inside, Clayton? It’s Marcia, isn’t it?” she said condescendingly. She knew my name; she was just being a bitch.
I didn’t have a chance to correct her before Clay nudged my foot out of the doorway. “No, she’s just leaving. In fact, I think we’re done here.” He looked at me then and I couldn’t swallow around the lump in my throat.
We were done? Did that mean what I thought it meant?
“Clay. What are you saying?” My voice had left me. All I could do was whisper as the pain lanced through my body. I hated that we were having this discussion with his evil harpy of a mother two feet away. She watched us the whole time and I couldn’t miss the malicious triumph on her face.
“Just what I said, Maggie. I’m done. So don’t come around here again!” he told me forcefully. Had he really just broken up with me? In front of his fucking mother? I got angry then.
“You asshole!” I breathed, clenching my fists at my sides.
“Clay, it’s time for dinner. Hurry up with Marcia so you can eat.” Mrs. Reed flashed me a cold smile and went back down the hallway.
Clay glared at me. “You just couldn’t leave well enough alone. Are you happy now?” he seethed.
“Fuck you, Clay! I’ve done nothing but love you! But you really are a selfish prick. Screw my feelings, right? It’s the Clayton Reed Self-destruct Show. And you’re right. We are done. I don’t need any more of your abuse!” I turned on my heel and left, feeling like my heart had just been ripped out of my chest.
The anger got me home but then it transformed into gut-wrenching depression. Clay and I were over and I had no real idea why. The reality of what had happened sank in and I cried myself to sleep.
After that I became a shell of the person I used to be. I barely ate. I hardly slept. I never talked to my friends. I never joined in discussions with Rachel and Daniel of things to do once my grounding was lifted. I half-listened to their conversations at lunchtime. I stopped waiting for them after school, instead choosing to get to my car as fast as possible so I could get home and lock myself in my room.
“You are going to tell me what is going on with you and you are doing it now!” Rachel said angrily, grabbing my arm as I tried to slink down the hallway unnoticed, to my locker. It had been days since I had gone to Clay’s house. It felt like forever since I had spoken to or seen him. I didn’t even know if he had shown up to school. And I felt like living was becoming increasingly difficult. How could someone endure this much pain and survive?
