I hadn’t taken off the butterfly necklace he had given me. I felt it lying warmly above my breasts. It was almost like having his fingers touch me. I was still so blown away by his thoughtfulness. And the words he had said to me, the way he had opened up and revealed things about himself that were painful, only made me love him more.
I tried not to let the memories of our earlier fight taint our night together. But no matter how much I pushed them away, they simply bounced back, bringing with them the recollection of his anger and my hurt.
But, despite the painful start, the night had ended in the most romantic and toe-curling way possible. I hugged my pillow to my chest and let the delicious memories of us together fill me. I shivered as I remembered his hands touching me and the feel of him as he sank inside me. I rolled onto my back and groaned. Hell if I knew when we’d have a chance to be together intimately again. I might be under lock and key until I started collecting Social Security.
I thought about Clay whispering how much he loved me and how he wanted to be with me forever. And I, in my naive, young-adult mind, thought it would happen. That of course Clay and I could overcome anything and we would walk off together into the sunset.
I ignored the nagging voice in my head that whispered doubts and concern over Clay’s intense need to be with me. How he used me as a bandage for all his other problems. I pushed aside the annoying realization thatperhapsthat wasn’t a healthy way to be... that Icouldn’tmake everything better for him, as much as he told me that I was all he needed.
Instead, I focused on my memories of making love to him and holding him the entire night. Of feeling safe and secure as his arms wrapped around me, purposely ignoring any and all thoughts of what had occurredbeforethat.The point was that I couldn’t imagineeverloving someone the way I loved him. And I swore I never would.
“Wow, grounded with no cell phone or car! You might as well be dead, Mags,” Rachel said sympathetically as we sat around the lunch table commiserating over my horrible fate the following day. Clay squeezed my hand tightly, pressing close to my side. It felt like a week since I had last seen him, when it had been less than a day.
I turned my head and met his mouth, kissing him deeply, not caring who saw it. Pulling my lips from Clay’s with a groan that made him smile, I returned my attention to Rachel... who was sitting closer to Daniel than usual. Daniel, when he thought no one was looking, would lightly rub her back and then drop his hand to his side. I hadn’t had a chance to talk to Daniel about everything (you know, with the whole grounded-until-I-die thing), but you’d have had to be blind not to see the change in their relationship. I couldn’t help but smile at them, feeling happy for my two best friends.
“I know. But they went nuclear.” I crunched on my carrot stick. Clay rested his hand on my lower back.
“We’ll find a way around it. Maybe I should start sneaking into your room after your parents go to bed,” Clay teased—although, looking into his eyes, I knew he was being serious.
“I thought you hated heights,” I reminded him, lightly pinching his leg.
Clay shrugged. “If that’s what it takes to see you alone, then I’d climb Mount fucking Everest.” I appreciated the sentiment. I really did. But I knew that his doing something like that, given the precarious state of my relationship with my parents, could spell only disaster.
“Yeah, I don’t think you sneaking into my bedroom is the greatest idea,” I said, trying to dissuade him.
Clay frowned at me. “Well, if you don’t want me to come over, then I won’t bother.” His mercurial mood changed in an instant and he turned away from me, pulling his arm from my waist, and started eating his lunch.
Rachel cocked her eyebrow at him, and then looked at me. I rolled my eyes, trying to make light of it, though I hated when he did this—when he would become upset or angry and then shut down. I watched Clay out of the corner of my eye and saw he was doing just that. His body was stiff and he wouldn’t make eye contact with anyone. Rachel and Daniel talked quietly to each other, making a point to ignore the scene that was brewing between Clay and me.
I couldn’t take this stupid wall that had suddenly gone up between us, so I scooted over to him on the bench and put my hand on his upper thigh. I leaned in and rubbed my nose on his chin.
“Don’t be like that, Clay. Please,” I whispered. I felt him pull away slightly, but I didn’t give up. “You know I want to be with you all the time,” I insisted, kissing the corner of his downturned mouth.
I felt him soften and he covered my hand with his. “I just can’t take not seeing you or talking to you at night. I need you,” he told me urgently. His eyes met mine.
“We’ll figure something out. I need you, too,” I reassured him, kissing him gently.
That seemed to settle him down and I could feel his body relax beside mine. “I told my parents I was staying after school so I could get some extra help in chemistry. Why don’t I blow off my study group and we go to your house?” I suggested, kissing him again.
Clay put his hands on my face, rubbing his nose with mine in a way that made my heart melt. I saw his eyes smolder as he contemplated what I was suggesting. “Mmmm. I like that idea,” he murmured, wrapping his arms around me again and pressing his face into my hair.
At that moment the assistant principal, Mr. Kane, decided to make an appearance. “Enough, you two. We have school rules about PDA. Do you need to come down to the office to review them?” He crossed his hairy arms over his chest and looked stern.
Clay and I broke apart as I gathered my messenger bag and tray. Last thing I needed was for Mr. Kane to call my parents because I couldn’t keep my hands off my boyfriend at school. Thatwould make them love Clay even more.
“No, sir. We’re sorry,” I stuttered, unable to look at the administrator. I could hear Daniel and Rachel trying to keep from laughing as Mr. Kane walked away, off to find other teens to terrorize.
“Well, that was just freaking great.” I got up and went to dump my tray, my face stinging with mortification. Clay came up behindme.
“Don’t get so worked up, Mags. What’s the big deal?” Clay was laughing and it irritated the hell out of me.
“Well, I don’t like getting called out by the assistant principal for making out with my boyfriend, all right? It’s embarrassing. I don’t need to give my parents any more ammunition right now.” Clay tried to grab me by the waist to pull me close again.
I shoved him back. “Stop it, Clay. Give it a rest. I don’t want to get into trouble.”
Clay’s face turned dark. “Fine. I’ll see you after school.” And, with that, he turned and left the cafeteria. I sighed and didn’t bother to call after him, feeling sapped of all my energy.
Clay was at my locker after school, wearing an expression of contrition that I was becoming all too familiar with. “I’m sorry,” he said, as I opened my locker to drop off my books. I wanted to bang my head into the wall. I was so sick of hearingI’m sorry!
