“I never thought I deserved to be happy. With all the shit that went down in Florida, it felt like my life was over. Moving here to Virginia might as well have been a death sentence. But then you literally ran into me.” We both laughed at his choice of words, easing the tension a fraction.
Clay grabbed my hands and placed them over his heart. I could feel the erratic beat beneath my palm. “You ran into my life—this beautiful, amazing girl who changed everything. I finally saw what my world could be. What beingnormalandhappycould look like. You’ve given me everything I never thought I could have! It scares me to think of life without you. Of not seeing your smile or hearing your voice. So when you didn’t stop me from going off with Dana and then went and danced with that asshole, I thought you were telling me loud and clear that I didn’t have a chance with you. And all I could see was my life without you in it. And it was a fucking dark and horrible place.”
I closed my eyes, feeling the prick of tears behind my eyelids. How could I stay angry when he was saying everything I had wanted to hear since I had met him? Even in the midst of this whirlwind, he made me feel alive and adored. What girl could resist that combination?
And it was time that I revealed my own truths.
“That is so beyond ridiculous. I’m crazy about you, too. I’ve wanted to be with you since the day I ran into your life, literally. Even when you were being the biggest prick on the planet, I wanted you. But I thought being friends was all you could handle. You know, with everything else going on.” I looked at my feet, not wanting him to see my own vulnerability.
I heard Clay’s sharp intake of breath and then felt his fingers on my chin. “Mags. I’ve wanted the same thing. You have no idea how much. But you said over and over that I was your freakingfriend,” he said in a desperate sort of way. I shook my head, my hair falling limply around my shoulders, the hairspray and teased styling long gone.
“You’re sick, Clay. I didn’t want to overly complicate things,” I said in justification. Clay pulled me into his arms and I didn’t fight him.
“No, Maggie! No, no, no! I can’t stand just being your friend. It’s driving me crazy, holding back on what I’ve really wanted to say. I need to be with you! It’s the only thing that makes sense in my insane, fucked-up life.”
I stood stiff in his arms, not sure what to do. He buried his face in my hair. “I’m a mess. If I were selfless, I’d make you leave. I know I’m a lot to deal with. I’m nowhere close to getting a handle on things. But I’m not lying when I say you make me feel like I can do it. If you’re with me, I can do anything.” He stopped for a moment and then the seriousness seemed to break and his mouth crinkled in a tiny smile.
“So, can we try? Even if it lasts an hour?”
I snorted. He was quoting one of my favorite songs to me after everything he had just put me through? First Japanese poetry, now indie rock. What next? Would he serenade me outside my window to Depeche Mode?
Yet if there was one thing I had learned about Clayton Reed, it was that I was powerless to resist him. He could charm the panties off a nun if he’d been inclined to do so.
Slowly I brought my arms up until we encircled each other. Even in the hazy glow of contentment, I worried that he would try to replace his need for medication with me. I didn’t want to become his crutch. I wanted him to get healthy and do it for himself.
All of those concerns swirled around my head, making a decision difficult. And then he put his mouth to mine. The whisper-soft touch of his lips, and everything—my worries, my concerns, my doubts about our future—was lost in the amazing feeling of his mouth, his tongue, and the light nips of his teeth on my bottom lip.
We kissed for a while, his hands getting tangled in my hair, my fingers making their way underneath the back of his jacket, clutching his skin. I could barely breathe and I knew I was drowning. I was pulled down by the strong undertow. Down into what seemed to be a delicious darkness. And I was happy to lose myself in it.
chapter
eleven
it’s amazing how something that had, in concept, seemed so insignificant to my life could now become my entire world. The weeks after the Fall Formal I was flying high. If I thought I couldn’t get enough of Clay when we were just friends, it was nothing compared to the insatiable need I developed when he became my boyfriend.
Boyfriend.
Who’da thunk it?
“Ugh! Can you guys get a room, already?” Daniel made a gagging noise from across the table during lunch. I smiled as Clay kissed the soft spot below my ear. He nuzzled my neck and I leaned into his touch.
“Oh, shut it, Daniel. You’re just jealous. Just because Kylie has cut you loose...again,” Rachel said hatefully. My two best friends were the only dark spot in my state of Clay-induced euphoria. Ever since the night of the dance, after Daniel callously ditched Rachel in favor of trying to work things out with Kylie (who I supposed had dumped him already), they had been at each other’s throats.
Personally, I was totally on Rachel’s side with this one, although I typically tried to be Switzerland between them. But what Daniel had done was nasty and he deserved every ounce of Rachel’s complete and utter bitchitude.
Daniel curled his lip at Rachel but didn’t say anything back, angrily shoving his mashed potatoes around on his tray. The tension between the two of them was palpable. Clay cleared his throat, obviously uncomfortable.
“So, do you guys have any plans for Thanksgiving break?” Clay asked, trying to break the tense silence that had blanketed our table. Rachel shook her head and Daniel grumbled something unintelligible under his breath.
I leaned into Clay’s chest. “I’d take that as a... maybe?” I posed the statement as a question, hoping to elicit some sort of response from my miserable friends.
“Well, I have an idea,” Clay piped up, getting everyone’s attention.
Daniel stopped swirling his potatoes and Rachel looked up from herCosmo. “Oh, yeah? What’s that?” I asked him. Clay grinned down at me and kissed the tip of my nose. I loved it when he did stuff like that. He had this way of making me feel like something infinitely valuable. Like I was the most precious thing in his universe.
“Well, Ruby’s girlfriend, Lisa, has a cabin down by Franklin Lake. Maybe we could go down for the night. Like, say, the Saturday after Thanksgiving? I mean, it’s really nice. With satellite TV and a huge Jacuzzi tub. It could be a lot of fun.” Clayton sounded excited.
I was pleased to see this even-natured side of Clay. He had begun taking the lithium again, starting the night of the Formal. Despite my happiness about this, I continued to watch him closely, looking for any sign that he was lying about the meds and had again stopped taking them.
