“I think you’re done then,” I told him, my voice cold and sharper than I meant it to be. “You should probably see if anyone else needs help. I believe Stafford and Bobbie mentioned fishing today. Maybe you can go with them.” I was being dismissive.
I needed him to leave.
“I don’t mind staying here and helping you,” he said, watching me. Too closely.
“I have to meet with Pastor Carter. So, you go on.” I got to my feet, picking up the gardening tools and putting them away. Putting distance between us.
“Did I do something, Sara? I thought we were enjoying ourselves,” Bastian asked, following me to the small shed on the far side of the fenced in garden.
I turned to face him. My expression hard. “I think if you’re going to live at The Retreat, you need to stop thinking about what happenedbefore. Your focus should be on what happens now. On your path.”
Bastian’s brow furrowed. “Why? What’s wrong with talking about that stuff?”
I felt myself get indignant. Righteous. “Out there is full of wickedness. It’s full of sin. Here, we are living a faithful life. We can’t have the outside tainting what we have at The Retreat. What The Gathering is trying to achieve.”
Bastian backed up, as if taken aback by my vehemence.
“See, that’s where I’m struggling with what you guys are doing here. You can’t shut out the world. You can’t think that by removing yourself you can escape human nature. It’s all around you, Sara. It’s the dark, beating heart in all of us. Maybe you need to look a little closer. See what’s right in front of your face.” He sounded angry. It seemed I had pushed a button.
“All we want is to pray and live God’s plan for us,” I argued.
“If God’s plan means hiding away in the mountains while the rest of the world gets tolive,then I think I’d be questioning things more,” Bastian replied through clinched teeth.
“We’re not hiding—”
“Yes, you are. That’s exactly what you’re doing. But why? What do you need to be protected from? Or maybe you need to ask yourself what it is that you don’t want the rest of the world to see,” Bastian countered.
I felt flustered. I wasn’t used to such combativeness. That wasn’t our way. We were all here because we believed in Pastor’s ways. Believed in the life he built for us.
All of us but Bastian.
“The world isn’t all bad, Sara. It really isn’t. There’s so much good. So much beauty. And you’re missing all of it,” he said softly.
Sadly.
As if it broke his heart.
Yet, I didn’t believe him.
I wouldn’t.
If I thought for just one minute anything he said was true…
Something started to crack inside me. I couldn’t stop it.
Once it began to shatter, there would be no putting it back together again.
No!
“Stop talking like that. If you want to stay you need to get rid of those thoughts. You need to stay quiet,” I warned him. Upset and angry, I felt myself begin to shake.
“I’m meant to be an obedient robot like the rest of you. Got it,” Bastian said frostily. His eyes weren’t warm now. They were conflicted. Hurt even.
“We arenotrobots, Bastian. We simply want to live our lives away from judging eyes.” I glared at him pointedly. “Why are you even saying these things to me? Why are you talking to me at all?” I demanded, my breath coming out as panicked puffs of air.
Bastian looked as though I had slapped him. “Because I thought you cared and weren’t simply giving me lip service. Because you seem real. You were the one who made him open the gate, Sara. You were the one who let me stay with my brother. I won’t forget that.”
“I didn’t let you do anything. I had nothing to do with you being allowed to stay. That was Pastor—”
