I gave her a confused look but murmured my agreement.
“All of our journeys are connected,” I explained but David didn’t seem to be paying me any attention. I watched as he picked up the small, wilted buttercup Anne had plucked and held it in his tightly closed fist before putting it in his pocket.
“Brothers and sisters, please find a place to get comfortable.” Pastor Carter walked into the clearing and everyone immediately did as they were instructed. Anne and I both reclined onto our backs. After a few moments David did the same.
“What are we doing?” I heard Bastian ask. There was a rush of air as he settled down beside me, his arm brushing mine as he sank onto the grass.
“Shh,” I whispered, closing my eyes. Listening to the wind. The birds chirping. The soft, muffled movements as those closest to me situated themselves.
“I don’t get it. Is it nap time?” Bastian muttered, his voice too loud.
I opened my eyes and turned my head so I was looking at him. He was propped up on his elbows, seeming confused.
“This is Daily Devotional. Has no one told you about it?”
Pastor Carter began weaving his way through the prostrate forms of his followers, leaning down to touch each on the forehead, whispering a soft prayer only for them. I could barely hear his footsteps. He walked as if on water. Like the Messiah reborn.
“Maybe. I don’t really remember. There’s a lot of crap to digest.” Bastian watched Pastor closely. I watched Bastian closely. He wasn’t hard to read. I could see his disbelief. His open mockery. He should work on hiding that better.
“It’s notcrap,” I spat out in an angry whisper. “Just lie down and close your eyes. Pray to God. Think of the things you want to change. Think of where you want your path to lead you. This is time for reflection.”
Bastian looked at me, raising an eyebrow. “Reflection, huh?”
“Yes, now be quiet,” I hissed.
“You simply have to lie down, Bastian. Think only of your hopes. Your fears. The things you regret. The things that give you hope. This is a time for you to focus your energy and move towards your future,” Pastor Carter explained, appearing beside us.
I instantly closed my eyes, doing what I was supposed to.
“How long are we supposed toreflect?”
“As long as you need to. Most of my children spend a few hours. Some longer. That’s entirely up to you. But you need to respect everyone else’s time. And that means being silent. No talking. No sound of any sort.” Pastor Carter was stern. As if speaking to a misbehaving child.
“What if I don’t want to lie here for hours?”
I sat up suddenly and glared at Bastian. “Just lie there and pray!” I hadn’t realized I was yelling until I saw Anne and David staring at me. Everyone else was looking at me as well. Caitlyn’s mouth gaped open in shock. I saw my mother’s severe disapproval. My cheeks flushed with embarrassment.
Pastor put a hand on my forehead and I closed my eyes again, needing to relax. To be calm. It’s what I knew I had to do. I had to expunge negative emotion. I had to replace anger and hostility with warmth and happiness. With contentment.
It hurt.
But joy was always tinged with pain.
“Be silent, Sara. The only voice you should hear is God’s.” Pastor Carter sounded reproachful. As if I had displeased him. I felt horrible. I didn’t like doing things wrong. I was meant to be an example.
I tried to put Bastian out of my mind. I listened to the sound of people breathing. A collective breath that any other day would have soothed me.
But today all I could focus on was Bastian as he moved on the grass. The frustrated sigh that seemed to echo in my ears.
“Close your eyes, Bastian. Think about why you’re here. What you hope to achieve. What this means to David. Think about him. Why ishehere?” There was a note of something in Pastor Carter’s voice that made my breathing hitch. Something…menacing?
I peeked at Bastian, lying in the grass beside me. Only a foot between us. His fingers digging into the dirt. His mouth a hard line. His eyes open, staring back at the man who stood over him.
But this time he didn’t speak. He didn’t question. He simply lowered his eyelids, relaxed his body. Spread his hands out on the earth beneath him. And he let out a slow, almost anguished breath.
And it was in that release of air that I was able to find my own calm.
But in the hours of silent reflection, I didn’t think much about my own path or purpose. I found myself listening to the steady inhales and exhales of those around me. Particularly the deepened breathing of our newest arrival.
