It was wrong of me to feel that way.
I had turned the underside of my arms black and blue trying to get rid of these unwanted thoughts.
While others were impatient to meet the brothers, who had come days ago and been kept a strange sort of secret, I wasn’t.
The thrill of their presence disturbed me.
I wonder if you really are. If you’re really fine. Because to me it doesn’t seem that way.
“I saw the younger one through the window of their cabin. He must have been talking to the older brother and he didn’t seem happy,” Anne mentioned as she plucked a blade of grass and twirled it between her fingers.
“What were you doing skulking outside their cabin?” Minnie made a face and Stafford chuckled. I wanted to smack the both of them for their rudeness. Anne barely seemed to notice. That was how she was. She never paid attention when she should. Her obliviousness was both beautiful and sad.
“I was walking to the shower. It’s on the way,” Anne corrected, sucking the grass between her lips.
“What are their names again, Sara? I can’t remember,” she asked, leaning back on her hands, spitting the grass from her mouth.
Five sets of eyes swung my way, waiting for me to answer. Eager for information, Minnie leaned forward, her eyes wide. “Tell us everything, Sara. You were there for their arrival. What happened?”
We all sat outside in a group—as we always did—waiting for Devotional to begin.
Anne, Minnie, Caitlyn, Stafford, Bobbie, and I formed a deformed sort of circle. Knees touching, hands folded in our laps.
All of us dressed in white, as was dictated for the quiet, reflective prayer time all disciples were expected to attend for three hours daily.
When I was younger I dreaded Devotional time. I found it boring. And you are absolutely forbidden from falling asleep.
“Close your eyes and connect with God. Listen to the sun’s melody. It will help guide you on your path. It reveals all truths,” Pastor Carter told us. I couldn’t understand why I was told to close my eyes but not permitted to sleep.
I learned quickly there were consequences for not adhering to the order of things.
I was comfortable. The grass was warm on my back. The sun was like a blanket over my skin. The soft, synchronized breaths of the disciples around me sounded like a lullaby.
I actually started to relax a little. For the first time in a long time my nine-year-old body didn’t feel coiled like a spring.
I wasn’t taking to my new life very well. Everyone saw it.
Most of all Pastor Carter.
I hadn’t meant to drift off. But I did.
I was jostled awake by my mother’s angry voice.
“Wake up, Sara! Wake up!”
I opened my eyes to find a group of faces staring down at me.
And Pastor Carter, his expression stern in the middle of it all.
“I think Sara is missing the point of Daily Devotional.” He was so quiet. But so kind. As if he felt sorry for me. As if I were breaking his heart by disappointing him.
I couldn’t be angry when he locked me in the tiny, windowless room in the woods. The air hot and still.
I was told this was for my benefit. I had to learn. I had to be saved.
I believed Pastor even as I struggled not to freak out in the dark.
I couldn’t be upset when I was kept there for several days to learn the importance of prayer. The importance of obedience.
