I walked from the congregation room with my hand in Pastor Carter’s. I smiled to my fellow disciples. I pretended it wasn’t bitterness and hatred they felt as they watched me.
Denial was comfortable.
I reached out for my mother as I walked past, wanting to connect with her at this important moment in my spiritual growth. Wanting to wipe away the dark emotion she was bad at hiding. But her fingers were stiff. Her hand cold.
And when I squeezed, she didn’t squeeze back.
My heart became leaden in my chest.
“We have to hurry. The arrival is due very soon.” Pastor Carter smiled at me and I answered him with one of my own.
“Thank you for allowing me to accompany you, Pastor. Though I must admit, I’m a bit surprised that you chose me,” I allowed myself to say in slow halting words. I pushed my hair out of my eyes. It was particularly wild today. The humidity indicated a late storm. I had become adept at reading the weather on the mountain. And the smell in the late evening air heralded rain.
I began to mentally prepare for the arrival. My continence was of utmost importance. I needed to be calm. Collected. Welcoming. Nerves and apprehension had no place. I was a representative of The Gathering. Of Pastor Carter.
Of God himself.
Pastor Carter lifted my hand to his lips. A tender gesture, not unexpected. Paternal and expressing an affection I hoped to mirror. The Pastor was a physically demonstrative man. He took hands. He hugged many. It was hard not to feel special when he touched you. As if he were transferring some form of divinity. A man with a voice like God made you feel all sorts of things.
I wouldn’t give thought to the wicked blackness that lurked with other memories…
“You’ve been preparing for this since your own arrival, Sara. You must see this is yet another step on your path.” He continued to hold my hand as we walked brusquely towards the rusted pickup truck parked beside the largest cabin he had long ago claimed as his.
“I’m not an elder, Pastor.”
Pastor Carter squeezed my hand, giving me the reassurance I had been seeking from my mother. “All in due time, Sara. Your way is a clear one.” It was easy to see why I loved him. Why I followed him.
He held open the door for me and I climbed in, smoothing my rough cotton skirt beneath me. I remembered riding in this very truck all those years ago at my own arrival. The smell of old leather and peppermint from the mints Pastor kept in the cup holder tickled my memory. Like an itch, it irritated.
I clung to my mother’s hand. She tried to pull away from me, too focused on the tall man with light blond hair who walked beside us.
“I’m glad you found us, Daphne. This is only the beginning.”
Mom’s breathing quickened and her palm was sweaty. It was dark and cold. There were a lot of strange noises in the deep, black night. Rustling in the forest beyond the dirt path. A distant scream that sounded a lot like someone being murdered.
“Mommy, I don’t like it here,” I said a little too loudly.
She pulled her hand from mine, giving me a severe look. “Shh, Sara. Don’t be so rude. It will be wonderful.”
The tall man stopped and looked down at me. His eyes appeared kind. “It’s only a bobcat, Sara. Nothing to be worried about. They can be awfully noisy though.”
He smiled but I didn’t smile back. My mouth felt frozen.
“I want to go home,” I wailed, trying to take my mother’s hand again, but she evaded my grasping fingers.
Mom got down on her haunches in order to look me in the eye. Her expression was strangely blank, her eyes shining in the light of the gas lantern the tall man held. She took ahold of my shoulders and squeezed. It wasn’t a nice squeeze.
“This is our home now, Sara. This is all there is. The beginning and the end.” I didn’t understand what she was saying. She stood back up and followed the tall man to a rusty truck.
I ran to catch up, my chest burning from the exertion.
“But Mommy—”
“This is the beginning and the end, Sara. Listen to your mother. Obedient children are rewarded in eternity,” the tall man intoned darkly. “Children, obey your parents in the Lord; for this is right.”
I swallowed my pleas and climbed up into the cab of the truck. I learned to hide my tears that day. It was a lesson I took to heart.
Until tears were no longer needed and I found the beginning. I found the end.
