But I couldn’t be hers.
I knew from the moment I had met her that she deserved more than anything I could ever offer. She didn’t belong in the gritty life where I had found my home.
But I let myself be selfish with her.
I had allowed the delusions of a future together to color everything.
Until I was reminded, once again, of all I’d ever be.
I had promised her we’d leave. That I would take her away. She was looking to escape. I wanted nothing more than to be withher.
Where could we go? We had no money. Hardly anything to our name. What sort of life could we possibly have?
But when I woke up this morning, her body pressed against me, every inch of my skin smelling likeherI truly wanted to try. I would go to hell to give her the world.
We needed money.
We wouldn’t get far without it. I wanted to start this new life with her. Bug’s death wouldn’t be in vain.
I left her with a promise to meet her later.
Underneath the Seventh Street Bridge.
I meant to keep it.Then.
I went to get the things I thought we’d need. I left her to tell the others our plans. I didn’t want to disappear without letting them know where we were going. Not after losing Bug.
I wasn’t gone long.
But long enough for Manny to find me.
“I’ve been looking everywhere for you,” he grinned and then gave me an offer. One last job. More money than I had ever seen before.
And I thought,For Imogen.
Even though I knew she would hate what I was going to do. I wanted to take care of her. I wanted to feed and clothe her.
I would change. Afterthis.
But she saw me.
At my worst.
During my darkest hour.
She ran away from me and I had let her.
I don’t know why I didn’t chase her. I still wantedour life.I’d cling to it with bloody, broken fingers.
Afterwards as I walked towards the bridge, I was sore.
I could still smell the man on my clothes. I could taste him in my mouth.
I felt sick.
I had to stop several times to throw up. Not that I had much in my stomach anyway. The bile had burned my throat and I had a hard time breathing. I felt dirty in ways that water would never be able to clean.
I thought of Imogen waiting for me. Of what she would see when I showed up. The bruises. The blood. I felt so much shame.
