To my surprise, she turns, looking away from me. I follow suit. Anything my wife needs to be able to say stuff out loud is all good with me.
“It’s about the whole…naked bedtime shenanigans thing.”
Oh.Oh.I wasn’t expecting that.
“There’s zero rush,” I hurry to reassure her, and she slaps my hand.
“Stop fucking interrupting me,” she says, and I can hear a smile in her voice. It gives me a sense of deep relief.
“Even when it’s common sense halting your crazies?”
A tiny gasp. “Wow, you really do remember everything, huh?”
“About you? Absolutely. Loving you the way I do, it’s kind of a reflex to remember everything about you by now.”
“I know.” I feel her relax against me, almost all of her tension gone. “I’m being so stupid.”
“Are you worried it’ll hurt?” I try to put myself in her place. Forcing a kid out of your most delicate area, even the most beautiful little sweetheart in the world, must have felt…god, I don’t have the words to express how sore she must have been. And maybe she still is. Add to that the fact that I’m not a small man,andthe activity has the potential to put her right back in that birthing centre bed, biting her lip and giving it hell… Yeah, I’m not arrogant enough to believe it’d be the most appealing prospect.
“No, not really.” She sighs. “I’m worried you’ll think I’m gross.”
… Wh…
No. No way. I misheard her. Maybe she saidI’m worried you’ll think I’m Colin Jost, or possiblyI’m worried you’ll thinkI’m really a few goats. I mean, they are both pretty goddamn abstract, but they still make more sense than the thing she definitely can’tpossiblyhave said.
“Leo?” She shifts uncomfortably behind me. “Say something, dickface.”
I clear my throat. “I…sorry, what did you say?”
“I mean, think about it. Yeah, you’ve seen me full blown preggers, but before that, I was…lithe. Andhot. And the only marks I had were the tattoos I chose. Now…” Her voice sounds a bit croaky. “I’m saggy. And covered in stretch marks. And my boobs look like they’ve been tenderised with one of those little meat hammers. And it’s… It’s hard to put this body out there, because it’s not…it’s just not - ”
I’ve had enough of this.
I stand and take her hand, tugging on it. ThankfuckI started a tab behind the bar; they have my card, they can charge me whatever.
“Hey,” she protests as I pull her away from the table and towards the door.
“Andre,” I call to the bartender on duty tonight, “use my card to pay for what we had. I’ll pick it up tomorrow. Or the next day.”
I hear him snort with laughter as he mutters, “Leo gonna get some…”
“Dude, what the fuck?!” Sadie sounds like a perfect mix of stunned, puzzled, and pissed.Makes two of us, woman,I think darkly. She keeps asking me what the fuck I think I’m doing and where the bloody hell I’m taking her, but I don’t say a word as I stride straight to Wishbone, not slowing my pace for her at all.
I don’t think I’ve ever been so furious in my life.
I hold onto her hand as I jab the key in the lock and pull her inside, still holding it as I lock the door behind us, still holding it as I pull her up the spiral staircase to the studio apartment neither of us have been near in months.
“Leo,” she snaps, chest heaving as she tries to catch her breath, “whatare you - ”
“My turn,” I interrupt, my voice louder than hers. “Dude. What thefuck?!”
She blinks, surprised.
“Do youseriously think, even in the deepest depths of your worst thoughts, that I think you’re anything except ridiculously, unfairlybeautiful?Not just pretty, though you’re obviously that, too, butbeautiful? MOTHERFUCKETY WHAT?!” Her eyes twinkle a little when I use one of her favourite exclamations to make my point, and I’m not sure if it’s more mirth or more tearfulness.
But the tirade is in full flow, the lion is loose, and I am on a fucking roll.
“What was that bullshit you were spouting? ‘Saggy’? ‘Stretch marks’?”
