“Will you stop ranting and raving like a crazy person andjust talk to me normally,” I almost yell at him.
“NO,” he bellows back, and I can’t believe my eyes, seeing him like this. I don’t like it and I want it to stop, rewind, restore to factory settings, but he clearly has something he desperately needs to say. “No, absolutely not, because talking to you normally means continuing to lie to you, and fuckthat.”
“Just...just stop,” I say as calmly as I can, trying not to beg, “take it down a notch, and take me through it, because I’mgetting really confused.” I am. He’s talking about feelings, but what feelings? And he’s so angry, completely out of the clear blue nowhere.
“You’venever, everlied to me before,” I insist, but my heart sinks when he shakes his head and laughs bitterly.
Taking a deep breath, he says quietly, “Babygirl, I’ve been lying to you from the day we met.”
The threat of tears starts to sting my eyes, and I blink quickly, determined not to become a watering pot. Not even with the provocation of knowing one of my best friends in the world - no, myactualbest friend - is admitting such a dreadful thing to me as constant dishonesty. Not Leo. I trust him as much as I trust my twin. A betrayal like that…even the idea of it slices into me in a way I don’t think I’d be able to recover from easily, if it’s true and this isn’t some sick joke to get me back for last night. “About what?”
Both his hands rake through his hair and stay there. He is the picture of pained frustration, and I feel an urge to comfort him that I cannot explain. “About pretending that I'm not hopelessly - no, not just hopelessly,uselesslyin love with you, almost since the first moment we met,” he says, looking me dead in the eye, like he’s being one hundred percent serious, even though he can’t be. It’s not possible.
I laugh for half a second, annoyed and relieved, thinking he’s been pranking me this entire time. But then I pay attention and reallyseehis eyes. They are more honest than I have ever seen them, and there is a world of carefully smothered pain in their brown liquor depths. “Come on,” I say uncertainly, feeling topsy turvy for the millionth time in the past twelve months or so.
“And that kiss, which I’ve been dreaming about and wanting for year upon year upon year,” he says dully, “is something that you’re apologising to me for, and trying to wipe out of our loves.You’re telling me to pretend it never happened, and I can’t take it. I really can’t, Sadie, I’m sorry.”
Forget topsy turvy. The bottom falls out of my world entirely.
“U-um…” I croak, closing my eyes.
“Donottell me it meant nothing,” he says quietly but insistently. “Do. Not.”
I turn my head so I can open my eyes and run a hand through my hair, reeling. “So, you’re telling me that since...since the moment I met you, you’ve…” I try to clear my throat, feeling it thicken and almost close with nerves.
“Say it,” he tells me. "Say the words.In love with you.Say them."
I don’t. I can’t. Forcing any words at all out of my mouth is impossible just this second.
“That kiss was...everything,” he says, his voice aching. “I do not believe two people can kiss like that and it means nothing. I’ve kissed more than enough women to know the difference, and that was…” He pauses, and I risk looking back at him. He’s rubbing his eyes, and looks entirely exhausted, down to his very soul. “That was something special, and I think, in your heart of hearts, you know that, too.”
I feel the urge to cry again. All these years, ourentire friendship… How did I not know? Howcould Ihave known? Both thoughts are screaming through my mind in an infinite loop. “I didn’t know,” I whisper pointlessly. “You never told me.”
“How the hell could I?” He asks in a voice that sounds brittle enough to crack. “You were all in with Peter, and I didn’t want to make you feel awkward. I didn’t want you to leave because you didn’t feel right about it, or felt sorry for me, or...for any reason at all. I couldn’t lose you.” He says the last part incredulously, like just the notion was unthinkable, and then leans backwards against the iron handrail for the stairs.
I have literallyno ideawhat to say. A bomb has gone off in my life once again, and, as Emily would say, I don’t have the spell slots to deal with it a second time. I haven’t known which way is up since Peter left me, hurt and reflective and full of rage every single day, and now the one thing that's kept me going, that's been a bedrock certainty I could rely on, has pulled the rug.
I just wanted some stability. Some same old, same old.
Because while Leo’s revelation is by no means an insult or hurtful, I am so bewildered by it that I’m scared to say anything at all in case I fuck up and lose my main source of comfort and relief:him.
“Listen, Sades,” he murmurs, defeated, “I’m...really sorry if I’m being unfair, or if this is embarrassing or uncomfortable for you. That’s not what I’m setting out to do here. I just can’t stand this anymore. Icannotgo back to pretending I don’t love you, cos I’ll go nuts. So I’m afraid you’re going to have to know about it now. And I’m not telling you in the hope of you suddenly turning around and feeling the same way. It’s clear you don’t.”
Hold on a second, there.
I jump a little, not sure where that tiny klaxon of a thought came from.
“But...it is what it is, and...the cat’s out of the bag, or whatever, and we’re gonna have to deal with the fallout now. We’llbothhave to deal with it,” he emphasises, and then he turns and takes the stairs two, three at a time, leaving me swaying slightly in reception, not sure what the hell just happened or what it means for him, for me, for all of it.
I storm over to the door of the parlour, yanking on the door and muttering to myself when I remember I locked it behind me. With fumbling fingers and a great deal of unnecessary noise and clattering and banging, I unlock it again and run out, not bothering to shut up behind me because I have to get away. I have to go home and really think about what he just told me.
I have to be alone.
Leo
Fuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fucking FUCK!
From a new WhatsAppgroup started by Emily Gastright called THE TIME HAS COME!!!! (Members: Emily Gastright, Eli Gastright, Dean Gastright, Liaden O’Brien, Tippi Mills, Tim Stewart)
