But yeah, I’m almost starting to believe everything is going to be OK between Leo and me. A small part of me will continue waiting for the bubble to burst, out of habit rather than any real fear, but until or unless it does, I’m revelling in this feeling of confidence in him, of peace. He’s too steadfast for me to feel otherwise, loves me too openly and consistently for me to worry as much about pedestals and unrealistic expectations anymore.
How can being loved be this easy and uncomplicated? I don’t know, but I’m not going to poke holes in it, or let my suspicious brain ruin things.
Nor am I going to waste any energy feeling guilty about not finishing off the unpacking and personal admin today. Mum, Em, Liaden, and I are going out for lunch, and then we’re going on our very first shopping outing for stuff for the baby; hopefully one of many. I did a little online window shopping, and there’s a beautiful crib available at a local mother and baby store that I’ve got my heart set on. Plus, now that I’m into my second trimester, I feel safe enough to start getting excited and spending money.
So it’s easy to feel lighthearted and happy in Rozafa, the Greek restaurant in the high street, with my mother and my closest girlfriends, eating thickly stuffed dolmades and the most flavoursome souvlaki, and thinking blissfully of the baklava platter I am definitely going to have for dessert. Better still, Mum has really started to emerge from her shell recently, and it’s nice to finally see her as a friend rather than as the silent half of a permanently disapproving duo. The conversation between her and my girls certainly flows well, but with Em being a permanent sweetheart and Liaden able to carry on a conversation with a wooden stool if it comes to it, that was a guarantee. They call her Cathy and treat her like one of us, and it means a lot to me.
“So, can Ipleasestart buying books for your little one?” Em asks me with a little bounce in her seat.
“Oh, yes, youmustread to them every night.” Mum looks animated. “I used to read to you and the boys, two, three stories every bedtime. You all loved it, and it was my favourite time of day.” She looks wistful as she thinks back. I’m glad she hassomenice memories of her old life.
“For sure,” I agree, “storytime will be sacrosanct. But you know what I’m going to say, right?”
“If we must insist on getting them Harry Potter,” Liaden begins, and all four of us finish in unison, “second hand only.”
“What else are we shopping for?” Mum asks.
“Well,” I say, toying with my glass, “I saw a crib that I definitely want to get. It’s beautiful - it’s cream coloured, and it has the prettiest flower carvings in the wood.” I put my hand to my chest, sighing comically. “It’s calling to me.”
“Would you like me to buy that for you?” The look in my mother’s eyes says to me that this is more than just a kind offer; it’s her way of trying to make up for all the times she said nothing during one of Dad’s tirades, all the times she backed him up instead of trying to see things from my point of view, or Tim’s, or even Jacob’s… It’s a way for her to say she’s sorry.
I squeeze her hand. “That’s sweet, but no, thank you. I want to buy this with my money. I’m not even going to let Leo chip in. It sounds weird, but…I don’t know, once my baby isn’t sleeping insideme, I want to get them the thing they sleep in after they’re born.”
“Aww,” Em coos.
“Yeah, shit, that was sappy,” I remark with a little shudder. “I’m such a drip these days, it’s like a sickness.”
Mum sighs. “Your baby’s first word is going to be ‘shit’, isn’t it?” She sounds resigned, but she’s got a hint of a smile. I guess she really is embracing who I am now, rather than who Dad wanted me to be.
I scoff. “Are you kidding? With Leo as a father and Gary spewing obscenities all the time, it’s gonna be something way better than that.”
“I dunno so much,” Liaden remarks. “My money is on ‘motherfucketywhat’.” She does a creditable impression of me, and I flip her the finger with a smile.
“Cathy,”Liaden calls to my mother, “come have a look at this!” It makes me smile to watch Mum light up as she hurries over. I wonder how much social time she’s had over the past few years, and if any of it didn’t include Dad.
We’re all spread out inWomb and Board, an independent mama and baby shop close to the sea front. It’s full to the rafters with everything from baby clothes to bottles to toys and books and furniture, literally everything you can think of, and all of it is sustainable and ethically sourced. I’ve been speaking to the owner, Stacy, and her wife, Lana, for the last twenty minutes, discussing how they set the business up, and we’re getting on like we’ve known each other ages. Their values align with mine so completely that I can’t think of a business I’d rather support than theirs.
I know where the crib is. I scanned the room for it as soon as we arrived, and there it is, by a bookshelf, surrounded by some other cots. I now know from Stacy that it’s reclaimed wood, and that she carved the floral motif herself before Lana painted it, which makes it even more special. I snap a photo and text it to Leo, and his response is immediate:
Leo: Buy the living shit out of that, Leona/Leopold Junior needs it [heart eyes emoji]
I laugh quietly.
Em, Liaden, and Mum come and show me all of the many things they’ve picked out as absolute must-haves: cute canvasbaby Converse, a yellow duck hoodie with an orange beak, adorable stuffed monsters with odd shapes and odd numbers of eyes, the works. I can’t quite stretch to everything if I’m being responsible, but I’m definitely going to have a splurge. Isn’t “it’s for the baby” the best get-out-of-jail-free card life has to offer an expectant parent? Might as well make the most of it.
Lana hangs a red ‘sold’ label on the corner of the crib with string, and the excitement I feel when I hand my credit card over is unmatched. I’ve gone for the duck outfit, a couple of glass baby bottles, and a blue knitted monster with three eyes and lime green antennae that I just couldn’t resist. That’ll do for starters.
I’m just laughing at Mum’s puzzled face as she looks at the monster, when Stacy coughs awkwardly.
“I’m so sorry, your card has been declined.” She looks guilty for embarrassing me. “Do you have another one I can try?”
I frown. “That’s impossible. I just got paid. Can you try it again?”
She bites her lip. “I already tried twice. I’m so sorry about this.”
I sigh. “It’s not your fault. The bank probably screwed something up. Hold on just a minute…” I pass over my debit card. That’s not really a hit I wanted to take on my current account, but I can cover this, and I’ll work something out later. Maybe move some money from my Premium Bonds account to make the month a little more comfortable. I don’t have much in there, but at least it’s instant access.
Stacy winces. “I’m sorry, this one has been declined, too. It might be our machine…” She’s just being nice. From the look on her face, there’s no way it’s a fault on her end.
