It feels like days later,but is really only hours, when I pick up my phone.
I’ve gone back and forth, trying to drown out the chaos in my brain and the ache in my heart and follow Wendy’s advice. It’s so difficult, when both are determined to get my attention, but eventually, it occurs to me that I’m thinking about one of the two paths in front of me more than the other.
And I still don’t know if I’m making the right choice, but I have nothing else to base it on.
Maybe I’m being selfish. Maybe I’m doing entirely the wrong thing. Maybe this will blow our budding romance to smithereens.
But the more I dwell on the realities, the more I can’t see any other way that I can accept.
I pick up my phone, which has almost run out of battery, and call Leo.
My heart squeezes when he picks up after the first ring. “Sadie.” His voice is hoarse, yet urgent.
I struggle to talk for a few seconds. “Can… Please will you come over?”
“I’m on my way.” He rings off, and I stare at my phone for what feels like ages before there’s a knock at my door. Three light taps, like he’s afraid of disturbing me.
I must look a sight when I open the door, because he bites his lip hard. I haven’t brushed my hair in over a day, and my eyes are still swollen from my crying jag when I spoke to Wendy. Wordlessly, I stand aside to let him in, and he lingers close to me, looking at the floor.
“I’m…I’m sorry,” I say, and the tears I thought I’d drained dry start up again. Instantly, he throws his arms around me, stroking my hair and rocking us both from side to side.
“It’s OK,” he whispers, over and over. His words fracture now and again, but I can feel, in how tightly he’s holding me while I cry, how he’s holding his breath, that he’s working on keeping himself together with everything he’s got.
“Please don’t hate me,” I beg. I couldn’t bear it if he didn’t forgive me for how I handled telling him.
“I could never hate you,” he murmurs, resting his head on top of mine. “Not ever. No matter what.”
“I just…I shouldn’t have told you like that.” I pull back, and he just looks at me as I try to stop the flow of tears from my sore, hot eyes. My head is throbbing horribly. I head through to my lounge, and he follows me, pressing his lips together and returning his gaze to the ground. He looks pale, and when I look closer, I can see his hands trembling.
What have I done to this wonderful man? And how am I possibly going to explain my decision to him? I mean, I’m pretty sure he’s going to be on board, but it’s still a very selfish thing I’m doing.
We sit next to each other on my couch, staring at our hands, and I know that he’s not going to say a word until I speak. He isn't going to give me any type of clue as to how he feels, or if he’s changed his mind.
“Listen, I…” I take a shaky breath, and he reaches across and takes one of my hands in both of his, giving me a gentle squeeze of encouragement. I nearly break again. This man is in bits, and he’s still prioritisingme.
Suddenly, all doubts about this path I’ve chosen leave me.
“I can’t do it,” I say. His jaw clenches, and he lets go of my hand, leaving me feeling chilled and lonely. “I can’t get rid of this baby. I’m so sorry, I know you were happy when I first told you, and for all I know you might have changed your mind and thought better of it because you’ve had time to think about things…and I know there are a million reasonsnotto have it, to just head to the clinic and not look back. And I know I’m being selfish in landing this obligation on you, even though I’m pretty sure this is what you want, but I promise, Ipromise, you don’t have to do anything you’re not comfortable with… But whether you still want it or you don’t, Iamkeeping it.”
He’s been staring at my table, not moving a muscle, not so much as blinking, the entire time I was speaking. After I’ve finished my word vomit, I try to catch my breath, and he murmurs, “Are you sure?”
I nod, guilty but certain. I just can’t bring myself to get rid of our child, even if I can’t give a reason why. I am in no way ready to be a parent, and there’s so much that could go wrong, but this is happening, this is in motion, and I’ve decided I’m not going to stop it.
Leo’s face disintegrates as he leans forward, burying his head in his knees. His shoulders shake, and I’m just about to beg him for forgiveness when I hear him brokenly repeating, “Thank god, thank god…”
I hug him awkwardly, leaning on his back, and he reaches for me, sitting up and pulling me into his arms again, crying on my shoulder quite unashamedly. “Thank you,thank you, you won’t regret it,” he mumbles, leaning back and giving me a look of pure love that makes my heart skip a beat. “I swear to you, you willneverregret it. I will love you both so much, day in, day out, I promise. Ipromise.”
I feel stricken. Why would I ever have thought he could have changed his mind about wanting this baby? “I’m so sorry I put you through this…I just…I should have talked to you, discussed it, and I…threwthe test at you and then…told you that I might… Oh my god, I’m theworst!”
He gives me a soft, joyous smile, the remnants of tears still on his eyelashes. “Don’t speak about the mother of my child that way.” Leaning towards me, he lifts my top up until my stomach is bared to him. He runs his hand over the still-flat surface, lovingly and almost enraptured, before running several kisses all around my belly button. “Ignore what your mum just said,” he whispers to it, speaking to that tiny presence like it can already hear and understand him. “She’s thebest.”
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
Leo
As soon as I’ve stopped crying with explosive joy and sweet relief, I call my insurance guy to get Sadie added to my medical insurance. Then I call my own doctor, because I trust her, and arrange to pay out of pocket for a scan to make sure everything is as it should be. I can’t wait to see that dark, blurry, indecipherable image on the screen. I wish we could go right now.
Fuck that. I wish I could make an announcement on TV so everybody knows that my hail-Mary, never-gonna-happen wildest wish has come true in a way I could never have anticipated. All of a sudden. Out of nowhere. And irrevocably. Because there’s no taking this back now.
