“Her. Body,” he declares, clapping his hands between each word, “Her. Choice. An’ I believe that wiv my whole heart.” He clutches his head. “But I also loveherwi’my whole heart.Andthe baby.”
Oh holy Jesus.
Dean and I stare at each other, at a loss as to what to say.
“So you’re saying Sadie’s pregnant?” I ask, just so there’s no doubt or misunderstanding.
He nods, devastated. “An’ she dun’t know if sh’wants to keep it. An’ I’m not gonna presh-pressure her because I’m a man of prin - princen - pripci - I’m not a fuckin’ hypocrite!” He roars the last part…and then collapses, seeming exhausted, to one side, muttering into one of his throw pillows.
Dean removes Leo’s shoes and lifts his legs up so he’s lying down properly. I place the first waste paper bin I find close to Sleeping Beauty’s face, because I have a strong feeling he’s going to need it.
“You poor fucker,” I murmur.
I’ll stay with him,Dean volunteers.
“You sure?”
Yeah. Liaden’s in London overnight.
I smile. I didn’t even know that. Old Dean would have warned me in advance. Every day, his progress still makes me happy.
“OK. If you’re sure, I’ll get back to Em.”
Leo makes a rumbling noise and mumbles something about red hair.I feel so sorry for him, Dean admits.
“Yeah, me too. It’s a shitty situation.”
I mean, it IS her choice, obviously…but she’s not going to abort their baby, surely?He rubs the back of his neck.
I think about Sadie, and Leo, and how happy they’ve both been since they got it together…and also how fragile that’s seemed, how gingerly our ginger girl has gone into this with him. The surprise and hesitation that still persists in her face whenever I see her look at him. “I don’t know,” I finally reply quietly. “I mean, yeah, on the one hand, itishis baby, too. But on the other, he’s not the one that actually has tobepregnant, to go through all that and then give birth. Fair’s fair.She’sthe only one who can decide, and I know he’ll respect it, whatever she says.” I look up at Dean. “But if she does decide to nip it in the bud, damn me if that ain’t gonna break his goddamn heart for good.”
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
Sadie
I’m so scared.
I literally have never been so terrified in all my life.
I switch between pacing my lounge floor and curling up on my bed, too anxious to move. And too broken. Every time I close my eyes, I see Leo’s devastated face as I told him I was considering my options. The pain I placed in those hazel eyes… I don’t think I will ever forgive myself for that. I just keep hurting him, but this time I can’t claim ignorance.
I took today out sick because I just can’t face him. And my brain is nowhere near in the right space for working.
But how can I possibly do this? This…pregnancy- I’ve been mentally shying away from the word, but I’m a fucking adult and that bullshit evasion has to stop now - was entirely accidental. I still have no clue how it could have happened, given the success rate of the contraceptive implant I have, but here I am, knocked up in spite of being responsible.
I can’t be a mother. I’m a hot mess with naff all in the bank and a pet parrot with a foul mouth. I’m not ready. Nowhere near.
And my parents are going to murder me.Anotheraccidental grandchild? I feel like throwing up when I think of the ugly things my dad will say and my mum will tacitly agree with by virtue of not disagreeing with him. I am dead meat.
Tim will back me up, though. Christ almighty, I couldn’t have a better sibling in this situation. If I did go ahead with this, he’d tell me everything I needed to knowandgive me a shit ton of parenting hacks. Eleanor is an awesome kid, and that’s at least partially down to the way he and Nat raised her.
And I know Leo would step up. I mean…he seemedthrilledwhen I told him. Like it was the best news I could have given him. I can’t understand that. This is adisaster. We’ve barely scratched the surface of being together. I’m still settling into being with him. I thought I could do that at my own pace, but now I’m like a lobster thrown into boiling water. And I don’t think it’s right. I think this is much too much pressure on a relationship as new as ours. Sonofabitch, I don't even know if I everwantedto be a parent. I wasn’t there yet. It wasn’t even on my radar.
I want what we have, what we’re developing together, to still be about us. Him and me getting to know each other in this brand new context in our own time, no rush, no hurry. But now…babies can destroy even established relationships. What the hell would it do to ours?
On the other hand…would he ever forgive me if I went ahead and had an abortion? Because, as fiercely defensive as I am about bodily autonomy for all…thisishis baby, too, and I know he wants it. At least, he did when I told him; but he may have thought better of it since then.
The thought raises a lump of dread and sorrow into my throat.
