“She recently came back into my life, and it’s been… Christ, it’s been wonderful. She’s got me all twisted up, but I don’t even mind it. I haven’t felt this way in…ever. She’s fascinating and changing my life in so many ways and I can’t stop thinking about her. But…” He wipes his hand over his face. “It couldn’t be more complicated.”
“OK, start at the beginning,” I invite.
“At the very beginning?” I nod. “I first met her when she was sixteen.” He pinches the bridge of his nose, and seems uncomfortable, almost embarrassed. “I was her teacher.”
“Oh.” I look at him, and guess he’s in his mid to late thirties, or thereabouts. “And you said she came back into your life recently…how old is she now?” Please let her be older than teenaged…
“Twenty five.”
“Oh, well, that’s alright then,” I say, waving my hand.
He looks at me, smiling and frowning at the same time. “You what?”
“She’s an adult. You’re an adult. I’m guessing your age gap is, what, ten years? Fifteen, max? And I’m imagining you didn’t get up to anything…you know…sick and inappropriate that I should punch you for when she was still your student?”
“Absolutely not,” he says firmly. “It’s enough of a moral transgression that I love hernow. Justthatis eating me alive. I would never, ever have done this back then.”
“Then I don’t see any insurmountable problem. You just said youloveher.That’swhat matters.”
He is silent for ages while he mulls over my words, looking taken aback at everything that’s passed between his lips as well as my own. “Your turn,” he says suddenly in his Scots staccato, clearly in need of a subject change.
And he listens patiently as a priest as I let it all come tumbling out, with the intense relief of a primal scream, leaving nothing unsaid. All the times I’ve remembered Leo being wonderful to me over the years that now have me screaming at myself for not noticing that he did it for love. My dead horse of a relationship with Peter. The wedding. My spontaneous kiss that snowballed into a hungover confession from Leo the next morning, and how mixed up I’ve felt ever since. How I’m torn between my heart, which wants to take a chance with the person I trust most in the whole world, and my head, who is terrified of what life would be like if I lost that same person.
“Can I just get you to revisit something you said a moment ago?” He gestures a little as he talks. “You have atwin, I think you said, right?”
“Yes.” I mentioned Tim’s thoughts and advice while I spoke.
“And from what I understand, twin relationships are generally unbreakable and strong as iron, true?”
“Very true. Tim is like another part of myself,” I confirm.
“And you just called Leo the person you trust most in the whole world.” He gives me a meaningful look. “Not your twin.Leo.”
“That…I didn’t…” Oh, fuck, he’s right. Ididsay that. And, what’s more, I wasn’t lying. I meant it.
Imeantit.
“I don’t think you have anything to worry about,” he says kindly. “Don’t create problems where there are none. It’d be such a tragic waste. He loves you. And the way you’ve described him…if you don’t already love him back, you’re well on your way to it. And sometimes, things work out. I’ve got a gut feeling this is one of those times. Or will be, if you stop overthinking and getting in your own way.”
Well, shit.
Suddenly, it’s like a fever breaks, and I can breathe freely again. Maybe Iamovercomplicating things. Maybe it really is as simple as David-the-usefully-astute-stranger makes it sound.
Maybe Leo deserves someone who isn’t just dipping her toe in, someone who will look at his heart, which he offered me freely with no conditions, and grab it with both hands. And hand him her own in return so his chest doesn’t remain empty.
“Physician heal thyself,” I mutter, my innate defensiveness kicking in.
“You reckon?” He doesn’t take my tone to heart. It’s as though he gets it, and moreover, is genuinely considering what I’m saying.
“Definitely. Don’t let how you first met get in the way of what could be the right thing for you both. That wouldalsobe a criminal waste.”
He chuckles. “God, we’re a right pair.”
Impulsively, I reach over and hug him hard. He’s startled, but recovers quickly, gently patting my arm at first, and then hugging me back.
“You’re not doing anything wrong. Go be happy with your Hannah,” I whisper, before stepping back. “Thanks so much for your perspective.”
“You too.” He nods towards the staircase. “Are you off?”
