I keep coming back to one cast-iron fact:shekissedme. She lifted up on her tiptoes and, in one random split second, made one of my biggest wishes come true, without any warning. I’ve finally,finallytasted her lips, and, maddeningly, I still have no idea if I ever will again. Having her this close for so long and never really having her was frustrating as fuck. But now… Now, it’s a deprivation. And it’s fucking with my head, screwing with me like nothing ever has. But in all honesty, I’ll never be able to stay away, and I’ll never regret a second of any of it.
I understand that she’s under no obligation to feel the same, that I have no inherent right to her heart just because I love her, and that she deserves all the time she needs to consider what she wants to do, if anything. But I wish I had more of an idea if my heart is going to be given back to me whole and intact or mangled and devastated.
Sadie’s sitting waiting on the wall outside her home when I pull up, ready for me. She opens the passenger door without any hesitation. She’s wearing her low rise Wranglers, almost as if she knows they’re my favourites on her, and a purple top that clashes brilliantly with her ginger hair. I love how she’s wearing it today, piled up high in a messy bun with a few strands coming loose. Just like I knew it would be. “Morning,” she says, friendly but not looking at me, making a big deal of doing her seatbelt up and straightening her clothes instead.
“Morning yourself,” I reply evenly, pulling away without another word and pressing play onHoleto fill the silence.
Her eyes are glued ahead, casually ignoring me in a way that is anythingbutcasual. Uninterested Sadie wouldn’t be here with me now out of a sense of integrity, deliberately not leading me on, and helping me to let go of her. Interested Sadie would have jumped my bones already, maybe left bite marks and hickeys on my neck to mark her territory; at least, that’s the impression I’ve always had when I consider the banked fires of her passionate nature, how scorching she is just generally. ButthisSadie…
This is uncertain Sadie.
And uncertainty at least means there’s a chance.
“Did you need me to give you directions?” she asks suddenly. I tap my Audi’s on-board computer, where the satnav maps out the journey with satellite imagery. She rolls her eyes at herself. “Duh. Of course. Sorry, brain fart.”
She’s going red. This is so fucking cute that I’m struggling to keep my eyes on the road. The urge to pull over and just…I don’t know, watch the flush spread across that stunning face, is huge, but that would be incredibly weird for her if I did. This particular beautiful woman dislikes being scrutinised for her emotions at the best of times.
To help her chill out, I start singing along toAwful, and I make her giggle when I ask her “who’s your daddy”.
“Where’syour daddy,” she corrects, shaking her head.
“Yeah, but ‘who’s your daddy’ rolls off the tongue better.”
“I’m sure it does toyou, manwhore,” she bites back, grinning.
Aha.
My sexual history reallyisbothering her. She’s smarting off to me about it, but the truth is it’s giving her pause. Maybe even discouraging her.
I get it. But also, I can’t change my past. I’m a man with a very strong sex drive. I’ve been that way since I was sixteen years old. I can’t help that, and I won’t apologise for it, or rewrite history. And if she gave me a chance, she wouldn’t want me to.
Maybe she hasn’t considered that.
Do I dare?
A devilish feeling of mischief fills my chest.Why the fuck not.
“Say what you want about my manwhoring,” I quip, “it’s made me a fucking good lay.” Enjoying the way her jaw drops, I pull up outside the address she was given. “We’re here.”
Sadie
Goddamnit, Leo…
How am I supposed to think about whether I’d be a good mother to this profanity-obsessed parrot when all I can imagine is Leo throwing me down and showing me exactly what I’ve been missing all these years?
He’s laughing almost insolently at my expression from the other side of my window, and I do my best to scowl at him, but my answering smile won’t quite be smothered. Until it becomes something quite different.
Fuck it. If I’m going in there wet, he’s going in there hard, and one of us is going to have a much easier time concealing it.
So I get out of the car, leaning forward a little to make sure my cleavage is unmissable and smirking when his eyes automatically flick to my breasts. Nudging the car door shut with my butt, I walk up to him, maintaining eye contact. His grin dies down a little as I get closer, replaced with an intensity that makes heat pool in my abdomen. I get a sense of everything he’s ever wanted to do to me, and it’s intoxicating enough that I have to remind myself what I was going to say. “Eat my pussy right,until I scream your name, and maybe I’ll believe you,” I murmur to him before heading past him, shoulder checking him as I head up the steps to the front door and ring the bell like nothing’s happened.
I hear him clear his throat a little behind me before he follows me, his hands firmly in his pockets.Victory.
The door is opened by a round, mumsy looking woman with curly blonde hair and a cute smile. “Sadie?”
“That’s me,” I answer brightly, and she ushers us both in.
“Great, I’m Tracy. And your friend…?” She looks at Leo, her eyes lighting up a little. He gives her his trademark wolfish smile, and I struggle not to roll my eyes. Leo is, and always will be, catnip to everyone attracted to cis men. And it’s something I’ll need to bear in mind if this goes anywhere: that wherever we go, people are going to devour him with their eyes, and some will make a play for his attention, whether I’m there or not.
