My entire chest feels like it’s been tenderised from within. Breathing feels weird, kind of raw.
What could I have done differently? There must be something. I try to consider this, to learn from it like I learn from everything that goes wrong in my life. But all I can do is hug my knees and regret ever getting out of bed this morning.
I couldn’t have just let him use me…but I can’t help loving him unendurably right now, and wondering just how much my self-respect is really worth to me if it means losing this once in a lifetime human? But then again, I can’t let anyone treat me that way, least of all a romantic partner.
Usually my path is clear, but I am so confused and broken hearted that I would almost throw everything away, my pride, my dignity to be in his arms in this moment. To let him soothe away my hurt, and tell me it was all a bad dream.
If you were in these arms…I will never be able to listen to Bon Jovi ever again.
There’s only one person I can think of who may understand how I’m feeling.
So I pick up the phone and text her.
Liaden: Sadie, everything has gone wrong…
From the WhatsApp channel started by Leo Mills called DEAN HAS A GIRL WTF SINCE WHEN??????!!!!!!!!! (Members: Leo Mills, Sadie Stewart, Eli Gastright, and Emily Cole)
Sadie Stewart: Oh fuck you guys
Sadie Stewart: He broke up with her
Eli Gastright: Shit
Emily Cole: WHAT
Emily Cole: Why?????????
Sadie Stewart: I just called her - she’s kind of a mess, but from what I can gather he’s decided she’s better off without him
Leo Mills: FUCK
Leo Mills: Fuck, fuck, fucking fuck!
Leo Mills: What do we do
Emily Cole: Eli’s gone upstairs
Sadie Stewart: Em, should I pick you up so we can go over to L’s?
Emily Cole: Please
Leo Mills: What should I do? Gimme something
Sadie Stewart: I’d head over to Dean’s, Eli might need some help
Leo Mills: On it
CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
Dean
There’s an odd feeling of peace throughout my body amid the inner turmoil, and I’m clinging to it.
Going through the motions of each day, turning into work and creating new tattoos, knowing this is how I’m leaving my mark on the world I’m leaving soon… There’s a calmness to it. I wonder if those other three Prom Night survivors, who got the fuck out of dodge like I’m planning to, felt this way, too? I hope so. I want them to have found that blissful quiet before they checked out.
There’s pain, too. So intense that I’m getting numb, like when an open wound is raked over too many times. Who is going to finish Liaden’s tattoo? Will they do it right, stay true to the original vision? Or will they spoil it with their own garbage take on it? Will they touch her like I did, and fall in love with her beautiful soul just like me?
No, not just like me. I love her more than anyone else on this planet ever could if they gave it everything they had for the rest of their lives.
