“Yes, but this doesn’t seem like it’s just for fun. It seems like you’re trying to avoid thinking about something, and that’s not healthy.”
No? What’s wrong with that? Maybe I just want some fun instead of more fucking words.
“Ouch, says the wordologist in me,” I quip, feeling uneasy. “But seriously, you seem kind of upset, and I don’t want to just swipe that to one side.”
I’m not upset. Huh. It turns out it is possible to spit words out without using your mouth.
“OK…” I give him a searching look, trying to find my sweet Dean. “You do look tired.”
He starts to laugh, silently and mirthlessly. It’s unnerving.Tired…yeah, I’m tired. I’m tired. I’m so tired.
“Well…maybe just having an early night might be better for you - ”
If we go to bed, I’m not getting any sleep.
OK, now I’m getting annoyed. “You will. Because we’re not doing anything tonight. Not a damn thing. I can say no for any reason I want, but I certainly don’t sleep with people too tired to be polite.”
He starts signing furiously, too quickly for me to understand what he’s saying, so he grabs his tablet and starts typing.
Liaden. I’m tired because you keep staying over, and to keep you safe from me, I have to stay awake ALL FUCKING NIGHT. I haven’t slept in three nights. THAT’S why I’m so fucking tired.
I gasp. “But you…” It suddenly hits me like a ton of bricks that I’ve never actually seen this man sleep. I just assumed he drifted off when I did, or not long after. He’s stayed awake all that time because of me? “Why?”
His chest heaves with irritation and types again.
Because your safety is more important to me than any amount of sleep. I’m fucked up. I have night terrors. That scar on Leo’s eyebrow? I put it there. I’m not doing that to you.
My heart melts, and I feel my eyes get hot. “Dean…that’s awful. I had no idea.” I think frantically, trying to work out a way to circumvent the problem so he can sleep while I’m with him. “I have a friend who does sleep studies, they might be able to help you?”
The look he gives me is one of pure rage. My heart falls through my stomach.
No. No-one can help me. Don’t you get it? THIS IS WHAT I AM. Sleep studies, therapy, meds, none of it helps. This is me. This is how my life is always gonna be.
I don’t know what to say. What is theretosay?
He starts towards me again, backing me up against the wall and signing again.So just let me have a few moments of escape. Please? He takes me in his arms and starts undoing the buttons on my blouse. I can feel him hardening against me, his hands determined, rough.
And I push him away as hard as I can, tears starting to spill down my face as he scrambles to stay upright, looking shocked.
“Jesus…” I wipe them away fast enough that they don’t reach my cheeks. “I’m just a receptacle to you, aren’t I? Just a sock for you to wank into.I’m a person, Dean!” I shout the last part. “We’re supposed to enjoy intimacy, do it for good reasons, good feelings…not to numb your hurt. We’re supposed to be doing this because we’re falling in love. That’s whatIthought, anyway. But I’ve never felt so cheap. I’m just your whore, if that’s how it is.”
He stares at me, and I can see the nerves jumping in his cheek. His hands flex at his sides, and I don’t think I’ve ever felt more terrible in all my life.
And then he proves me wrong. His face crumples, and he sinks to the sofa, burying his face in his hands and juddering with tight sobs.
“Oh, sweetie, no…” I reach for him, wanting to comfort him even now, but he jerks away from me, walking clear to the other end of the room.
This. This is why I can’t do this.
“What do you mean?” A cold feeling settles over me, a sense of foreboding. This is seriously not good.
I’ve made you cry. I’ve made you feel like… He wipes a hand over his face.I’m sorry. This is not what I wanted. But it was… He starts to sign words I don’t understand. Noticing my confusion, he picks up the tablet again.
It was inevitable, and I knew it, and I still took this far enough to hurt you, which was way too far. This is why I can’t have a normal life, and why I can’t do this anymore. I’m sorry for everything. But it’s best if you leave now, and lose my number, and forget I ever existed.
“You can’t be serious,” I say with a shaky laugh. “For god’s sake, it’s just a disagreement. We can fix this if we just communicate when our heads are clearer, after you’ve had some sleep - ”
He shakes his head no, tears pouring down his face.It’s for the best. For your own good. You can’t be with someone who can’t even sleep next to you. What kind of future is that? And I’m not hurting you anymore. Not in any way. I won’t do it.
