L…
My right hand makes the letter with stiff, aching fingers, almost without me realizing.
I…
Another. Her beautiful, smiling face, so close to mine as she sat next to me, thigh to thigh.
A…
Her gorgeous hair, how amazing it would feel to comb my fingers through it, wrap it around my wrists as I eased her head closer to mine.
D…E…
That crisp, clear, confident voice spilling forth so much chattering wisdom from the most interesting person I know, filling me up with stunning singing that makes me shatter into pieces and then puts me back together again.
N.
I can breathe again.
I spell her name again,L-I-A-D-E-N. My fingers loosen up enough so that the movements don’t hurt anymore.
One more time.
Holy shit, I’ve stopped shaking. Instead of the usual darkness and pain, my mind is filled with her, and the sound of her laughter, and the way she smells like springtime.
She’s the closest to heaven I will ever see, and I’m not ready to leave that behind, not yet, even for the warm embrace of a peaceful death. So I spend the rest of the night thinking of Liaden O’Brien and everything she is, and allow myself to be soothed by the fact that such a person exists in my world. A fragment of beauty in the hellscape.
Dean: Hey. Just wanted to check in, make sure you’re OK.
Dean to Liaden: Yeah, all good now. Thanks.
Liaden: Good, glad to hear.
Liaden: So what made it happen? Just so I know what’s OK and what’s not OK.
Dean: It just happens sometimes.
Liaden: At random? Or is there a trigger?
Dean: Honestly? There’s more than one.
Dean: I’m just sorry it spoilt the evening.
Dean: Really
Liaden: It didn’t spoil it. It made my night that you showed up.
Liaden: And it’s OK
Liaden: I’m listening.
Dean: Alright
Dean: It’s not an easy thing to talk about, but in a nutshell, one time when I was 18 I was in a room full of music and laughter and people having a good time
Dean: And then in a split second we were all dying in the worst way you can imagine
Dean: And I guess every time I’m in a similar situation, and there’s music and people having fun, a part of me will always be waiting for the first shot to ring out
