“Awesome,” Leo replies, looking at me, then Dean, and then back at me. He’s clearly aware of the odd vibe, and his eyesgentle as he looks at me sympathetically. “We’ll meet you there at seven on Saturday, then.”
“Fine,” I reply with the closest I can manage to a smile right now, and Dean gives him an even look that sends a little chill up my spine as he opens the front door for me.
To my surprise, he still walks with me as I leave, walking me back to where I usually park my car the way he always does. I would have thought that would have gone out of the window this time, but he’s clearly a gentleman.
He sure is walking fast, though.
“I’m sorry,” I say as I try to keep pace with him. He shakes his head impatiently.
This two minute walk cannot end soon enough. I feel awful. I’m not sure I deserve to, but it doesn’t change the fact that I do. What did I do wrong?
When we finally get to my Mondeo, he stops abruptly and sighs, finally looking at me with apologetic eyes.I’M the one who’s sorry, he signs.You did nothing wrong.
“I didn’t mean to - ” He cuts me off by putting his thumb on my lips, his fingers gently cupping my chin. They remain there for a handful of second, before he drops his hand.
There’s a tingle on my lower lip, and I lick it reflexively. It draws his gaze, and his whole face is intent. His limbs ready themselves as though a some impulse has been set off, and I can almost hear him thinking about pinning me to my car door and…
He gulps again, his face clearing, and I try not to show my sad disappointment. We look at each other for a long moment, and it’s raw and real because neither of us have our usual masks on. Just locked eyes full of want and regret that neither of us can hide.
He offers me the tiniest smile, and then heads back up the hill to the parlour.
And all I can do is melt, and burn, and wish.
Dean
I am so fucked.
CHAPTER TEN
Dean
It’s funny how I’m telling myself I’m not going to karaoke at the Red Lion tonight when I’ve showered, shaved, and dressed for it.
It’s funny how I’m telling myself Iamgoing when I’m pacing the floor on shaking legs, my heart pumping out of control at the prospect of leaving my apartment, my safe space, and heading out for the night with my family and the girl I can’t help wanting.
The feel of her lips brushing against my fucked up neck skin was unbearable in so many ways. Intense, numb, and yet almost painful in a way I can’t explain. And so, so good. Good enough that my mind whited out, and I panicked. I wanted to run as far away from her and the wretched confusion she brings as I could… Almost as much as I wanted to grab her and crush her to me, to plead with her to do it again, and not to stop even if I begged.
There’s a knock at the door, mercifully interrupting my thought train, but also clanging the alarm. My time is up. Eli and Em are here, and I have to decide right now if I’m goingand taking the uncomfortable risks, or staying safely behind and missing out…
“Dean?” Eli’s voice makes me jump because I’m so keyed up. Damn. I’ve been staring at the door rather than answering it.
I open the door and turn away, walking towards my jacket and wondering if I’m going to pick it up and put it on, or hang it back up on its peg and admit defeat. “Are you OK?” Em sounds concerned behind me. I turn, and her eyes widen as she takes in the sweat beading on my forehead.
Eli gives me one of his assessing once-overs. “You don’t have to go if you don’t want to.”
The man knows me.
If I don’t go, I’m letting people down, especially myself. And Liaden. I’ll look rude, and like I don’t give a shit about spending time with her, when the exact opposite is true. Even though the plan is to be just good friends, I would never want her to feel like I can’t be bothered. And given that the thought of missing out on time with her tonight is making me mad with myself, well, god damn it, Ihaveto be there. I’ve got to get my shit together and go. If I walk there with Eli and Em, they’ll spend the walk reassuring me, and maybe I’ll feel calmer by the time I get there. And even if I don’t, I’ll have them there for support.
And besides, Iwantto go. Even if the very thought of spending an evening in a loud pub, surrounded by people, makes the back of my throat jump with nausea. There’d be paybacks. Just sitting at the same table as her in the good old familiar Red Lion, socializing like I’m normal, would be the highlight of my damn year. Of my decade, truthfully.
But on the other hand…
If Idogo, I’m running a serious risk of a public meltdown. And then Liaden will see me as I really am: a broken, unsalvageable wreck. And I just… I want to foster the illusion of not being that in her eyes for just a little longer, even if it’sdishonest, even if misleading her like that makes me a total sack of crap. I just enjoy the way she looks at me, and flirts with me, as though she thinks I’m a viable dating prospect. It’s heady, and it makes me feel like a real man. I don’t want to lose that.
And that’s why I don’t think I can do this.
That basic truth grabs hold of my brain with sharp talons as I watch their looks go from concern to resignation. The wrong song plays, because accidents happen even with Leo paying off the organizer, or the room starts to feel too crowded and too much like a party atmosphere, and at best I’ll clam up and break out into a cold sweat.At best.
