“Please,” Em pipes up, “just let us know what’s going on.”
Dean has a soft spot for Em, like we all do, so he sits back down.I need…He huffs impatiently.She’s gotten under my skin, and I need her not to be.
Oh.
We all look at each other while he gathers his dice up. This is a pretty big deal. I can’t speak for Leo or Eli, but I’ve certainly never seen him bent out of shape over anyone before. Some clients flirt outrageously with him, and it’s water off a duck’s back. I knew he was sweet on Liaden, but I never thought he’dadmit it, to us or even himself. But if he’s biting heads off about it, he clearly has stronger feelings about this woman than he’s had for anyone in a long time.
Which makes this areally big deal.
“OK, I’m going to say the thing,” Leo says, with a serious look. “If you ask her out, she’ll say yes. It's as plain as the nose on your face.”
And then what?His hands are signing quickly, angrily.If the fact that I’m a fucking wreck isn’t enough, I have two words for you, Leo: Your. Eyebrow.
Understanding dawns on Leo’s face, and he shakes his head. “But that wasn’t your fault. I don’t blame you for it - ”
I blame me, OK?Iblame me. So drop it, because I’m not going to risk her safety. Imagine if… He swallows visibly.Imagine if she stayed at mine for the night, and I had a nightmare, or I take her to a restaurant and the wrong song plays and triggers a flashback, or some shit like that. All sorts of scenarios, all with the same problem. I could hurt her. And there’s no way I’m going to take that chance just because I can’t stop thinking about her.
My heart aches. “Oh, love - ”
He cuts me off, his eyes weary.So I just need to get her tattoo done, and then…let her go. Forget about her, go back to normal, and move on. That’s the way things should be.
He looks so thoroughly defeated, with shadows under his eyes as they stare listlessly at the table, that I can’t bear it.
“Why can’t you just be friends?” I find myself asking. Dean gives me a dead look, but Eli and Leo look at me intently, like I might be on to something. And actually, I think I am, even if that was a random blurt. From the tiny smile lifting his mouth, Leo’s definitely having a lightbulb moment, and he gives me an almost imperceptible wink.
Because she’d still have to deal with me. Eventually she’d see…something happen, and she could still get hurt.Leo starts translating once again.
“Well,wedon’t mind running that gauntlet. Why should she?” Em has a fire in her eyes, and I grin at her. Plucky little baggage. I smother a snort when I look at Dean’s face, gaping at her like he just gotserved.
“I mean,” I add, taking up her baton, “even if it doesn’t go anywhere romantic, wouldn’t you like to just be friends with her? Or…hmmm.” I think about it a little further. I tend to spitball out loud and then figure out what I’m saying along the way. “Wouldit be better to still have her in your life even if it’s just as a friend, or would that be a constant kick in the nuts?”
Dean thinks for a long moment, and then sighs.Probably both at the same time.
“You know what would be fun, and a totally wholesome, threat free friend activity?” Leo says suddenly. “Wow. Threat-free-friend-activity. Not an easy thing to say ten times real fast.”
Dean almost smiles.Go on.
“Next time we do karaoke at the Red Lion, we should invite her along. I mean, that singing voice of hers sounded pretty cool on those YouTube videos. Wouldn’t you love to see that live?”
He rubs his forehead, looking frustrated again.She did invite me to her next gig, but there’s just no way. A crowd that large?He shakes his head.I’d be pouring with sweat and running for the exit before the end of her first song. I can’t let her see that. And besides, it’s usually nothing but the greatest hits of the eighties at those nights.
“We’ll all be there,” Eli assures him, breaking out of watchful mode. “If you want to go, you’ll have us to back you up, and there’d be fewer people than at a live gig. No big crowds. This is one of Leo’s better ideas.”
“Thanks, bro,” Leo preens, “and besides, I can slip John a few quid to keep certain tracks off the rotation.” He’s good friends with all the DJs and comperes in town, so I have no doubt he could easily swing that.
He’s tempted. I can see in Dean’s face that the idea is taking hold: of being able to spend time with Liaden outside of Wishbone, as friends, with clear boundaries to make him feel safer, and with us there as moral support. I hope so much that he goes for it. I don’t like seeing him so down.
I don’t know. Maybe, he finally says.
Leo offers me a lift home,and I gratefully accept because it’s ball shrinkingly cold out. He’s quiet, focusing hard on the road. I think Dean being unhappy has gotten to him. He very much sees himself as our big brother, all four of us, and I think he almost takes it personally when any of us are upset, which is the reason for all the WhatsApp groups he creates to monitor our happiness. I can almost see his mind whirring with ideas, brainstorming new ways around Dean’s needs. It’s kind of adorable.
It makes me briefly want to pour my heart out to him like a flash flood, because I know, underneath trying to solve everything for me, he’d listen without judgement to all the things I’m struggling to admit to myself. He’d have made a good priest, in some ways, except for his sexual incontinence and general tomfoolery.
But I keep it all to myself again.
We turn onto the road where the parlour is, and I have a lightbulb moment. “Since you’re goinghomehome tonight,could you just drop me off at Wishbone?” Leo owns the leasehold of the building, and he’s always let all of us use the studio flat whenever we like, so long as he doesn’t need it, so I know this won’t be a problem.
He gives me a surprised look, but doesn’t question it.Bless you, Leo Mills. “Sure.”
