Is everything OK?he asks.
“Yeah, of course,” I say instantly, not wanting him to think something’s not right. “It’s just…a lot. Seeing you so… You look fantastic, and it’s brilliant. It’s just…hard to describe.”
Thank you. You look incredible, but then, you always do. He looks thoughtful.Do you want to…maybe stop off for a drink? Just to relax for a bit?
“That actually sounds really good,” I admit. Seeing such a different him after being without him for so long has thrown me for a loop, and I need a time out.
We find a pub just off the dual carriageway, the Ten Bells, which has a large and almost empty beer garden. I buy us both soft drinks, though a brandy would be so good right now, but I’m driving. He clinks his glass against mine and takes my hand when I set my drink down, running his forefinger up and down each of my fingers in turn, like a wavelength pattern.
“How are youreally?” I ask. Because that’s more important to me than anything else.
He considers my question.Right now, possibly the happiest I’ve ever been,he says with an almost sheepish smile.You’re here, I’m feeling better, the future looks much more bearable than it did, and also, did I mention you’re here? He grins, kissing my fingertips.
“So…how recovered are you? Scale of one to ten?” I need to know this stuff so I know what I’m looking at.
It’s…hard to answer that. I mean, in real terms, I sleep through the night now. I’m on an antidepressant that works for me. I can cope with panic attacks way better. They’re not gone for good, but they’re few and far between, and they’re much less severe.He shrugs.I will never be able to listen toThe Power of Lovewithout it being really, really hard, but the flashbacks aren’t…I can’t believe I’m saying this, but they’re not a problem anymore.
My eyes widen. “That’s incredible, darling. You’ve worked so hard…” I bite my lip, steeling myself for the next part. “I am sorry how it happened, though. I feel like we ambushed you.”
You have nothing to apologise for, he tells me firmly.
“I felt awful,” I mumble, and he lifts my chin with his finger.
I’m serious. You got me into treatment that actually helped. Especially the EMDR. Yeah, I was pissed off at the time, but Iknew you were right, even then. And so was everyone else. It was hard, but it worked out better than anything else has, and I’m grateful. I eat better and exercise properly now. I’m so much better off in every way. I can be the man you need me to be now, and that’s worth every single second of the past three months.
I pick up his hand and kiss his palm, resting my cheek there. “My darling.”
And I can actually take part in a proper future together…if that’s something you still want? For the first time, he looks a little uncertain, searching my face for a clue.
“I do,” I say at once. “More than anything.” He softens in relief, running his thumb over my cheek. It tingles pleasantly. “Oh - we should Facetime everyone. I know you’re seeing them all tomorrow, but they’re dying to say hi and see how you are.”
Sure, he says easily. I take out my phone and dial Eli, sitting closer to Dean on the wooden bench so we can both fit on screen.
He answers after two rings. “Oh my god,” he says, his normally stern face alive with happiness. “Dean, shit, you look…”
Like shit? Thanks a lot,he laughs, but he looks so relieved to see Eli.
“No, you look fucking brilliant. I amsoglad to see you,Frère.”
“Dean?” Leo appears on the screen, and his piratical grin suggests that he hasn’t been worried, and he knew all along that the treatment would work and he’s simply been proven right, though I know for a fact that none of this is true. Many times he and I stayed up talking late into the night, sharing our hopes for him, worrying whether or not he was OK and getting any sleep. “Girls!”
Sadie and Em squeeze into the frame, and it’s a tight fit for all four of them, but they make it work. I watch Dean grin at themas he pulls me closer, answering their flurry of questions. Em wants to know how he’s feeling; Sadie can’t get over how good he looks. Everyone gets to speak with him, and love pours back and forth between the screens in a way that makes me grateful to be a part of this group, this family. The fierceness with which they love is uncomplicated, sincere, and complete.
Can’t wait to see you all,he says, and I can feel how much he means it. And I know that if he didn’t love me so much, he’d be with them this very second. It’s humbling to be his priority.
When I hang up the call, he puts a hand on my thigh to ask me to stay put and not move further away.I just want to be clear about something.
“Sure,” I answer, feeling a pulse of trepidation. Is this where the other shoe drops?
He takes a breath.I want to do this right with you. And if you need some time to build trust back with me, after everything that happened, I totally understand. We’re not in any rush, because now, I’m not going anywhere. So don’t feel like we have to jump straight in, or that you owe me anything.
I pause, considering his words, drinking him in. He’s got smooth, clear skin, and his body looks amazing through his t-shirt, bulkier with a hint of abs showing through. His eyes are brighter than I’ve ever seen them, and he looks, purely and simply, healthy. It’s as though the sun has come out after his years of darkness, and you know how that makes me feel?
It makes me feelwet.
“The second we get back home,” I say slowly, “I’m jumping you. I want you so much - ”
Thank god,he signs, and takes my lips with his. His tongue glides against mine, and the feeling causes a pang in my heart. I’ve missed his kisses, the way they made me feel like the most unimaginably adored creature in existence. I’ve missed nestling in his arms, feeling the warmth of his skin close to mine. This isso good that I’m sure I’m going to burst into flames, taking Dean, the bench, and half the pub with me.
