“Wow,” Eli says as he studies it, eyebrows raised, “where’s she having it?”
On her back, nape to small. She wants it all covered.
He whistles. “How many other tattoos does she have?
None. This will be her first.
“Whoah,” he winces. “Pretty extreme for a first one, but it’ll look incredible when it’s done. Might even be your number one best of all time.” He turns to see his future wife beaming at me, and, because it’sher, his face automatically breaks out into an answering grin of his own, like a reflex action. Emily smiling makeshimsmile, every single time. “What? I feel like I’m missing something here.”
Em looks up at him and raises her eyebrows, her eyes twinkling. “She’s really pretty. Like,super-pretty.” She watches me to gauge my reaction.
Was she? I shrug at her. But I can’t meet her eyes as I lie.
Reaching across Eli to swat my arm, she scowls playfully. “I’m just saying, Idefinitelypicked up a vibe between the two of you.”
I roll my eyes and shake my head, smiling, but…damnit, my face is heating up again. Where the fuck has all this blushing come from? Fuck my life.
“Really?” Eli grins, nudging my arm. “Awesome. Can’t wait to meet her.”
Shut up, I laugh at them both,it’s nothing.
But it’s not nothing.
I thought about her a lot this afternoon, with a lightness in my chest that I don’t remember feeling before. Or at least, not for a long time.
But it’s kind of making my head ache, too. Maybe it’s from the way she’s been pounding her feet on the pavement of my mind since I met her.
I’ve had a few flashes of Callie’s face in my mind’s eye a few times after meeting Liaden. Herwholeface, thank god, not the other image of her that I’m cursed to carry. No, in this one Callie’s in her green and yellow cheerleader uniform, smiling at me from across the school quad.
I think I’m making too much of this whole Liaden attraction thing in my head. It’s not like I never look at a woman and think,heyyyyyy. Though, in my mind, it sounds as stupid as Butthead sayinghey bebbeh. I mean, for god’s sake, I thought Em was real pretty when we first met, and I appreciated the shit out of how she learned some basic signs for me before we’d even been introduced. It was a sweet thing for someone to do, and that someone was an undeniably cute woman, and my head did briefly turn a little bit, avery little bit. I’m only human, after all, even if I am a broken one. But she and Eli are perfect together, and I can’t wait for them to get married and live happily ever after. And now she’s just my buddy, with no hint of that initial spark oflikethat I had for her for a few brief, insignificant seconds when we first met. See? Fleeting. Momentary. Easily dismissed.
The way it should be.
But I do envy them their well deserved happily ever after. Not in a mean way. I just sometimes see them together andsigh a little to myself, and wonder what it’s like to be in an adult relationship. Callie and I adored each other, but what we had will always be a teenage love frozen in time, underdeveloped and cruelly interrupted. It’s not a pathway that’s open for me, but…what would it be like to have a woman look at me the way Em looks at my cousin? Having a hand to hold and gently squeeze as I walk down the street. Having someone to come home to after a long day at work, and kiss goodnight without wondering if her dad’s going to open the door and interrupt us.
Someone to kiss goodnight in my bedroom.
In mybed.
I shake it off impatiently. There are so many reasons why that side of life is closed to me, it’s not even funny. So it’s best to just not think about it. No wonder I’ve given myself a headache.
Eli turns back to me, and whatever he was going to say disappears when he looks at my face. A change of topic would be better. “We’re making spaghetti tonight, you want in?” They’re always happy to include me in their dinner plans, which is awesome of them. But they need couple time, so I don’t always take them up on it. I do miss having regular dinner plans with Eli before he found Em, but I don’t resent that loss. I’m happy for them.
Nah, I’m good thanks. Need to pick some stuff up at the grocery store. You guys need anything? As far as I’m concerned, I’ll do anything I can to pay them back for all they do to me, in whatever small ways I can.
“I think we’re OK for everything…?” Eli gives Em a questioning look, and she nods her agreement. “Thanks, though.” He turns back to Em. “How’s the song choice list coming along?”
“Not bad. Thought we could go through it tonight?”
My gut churns thickly as I listen to them discussing wedding planning. I still haven’t had the conversation with Eli. The onewhere I tell him there’s no possible way I can do the whole Best Man thing, and when I volunteered to do that for him I just got carried away in the moment, and now I have to let down the man who’s never once done that to me. Pussying out is a poor way to thank him for everything, no matter how good my justification. But I don’t want to ruin his wedding and distract him from the best day of his life with my shit. Realistically, I have to tell him, and soon.
But every time I get ready to do it, something stops me. I wish I knew what.
“So, I’m also thinking Rammstein, Motorhead, Motley Crue,” Eli continues as I drift back to the conversation. “Maybe some Marilyn Manson to lighten the mood -ugh!” He laughs as Em pokes him in the ribs.
“Yeah, sure, baby. How about if I walk down the aisle toUser Friendly?” She turns to me as we slow down, getting ready to go off in our separate directions. “What do you reckon, Dean?”
I think of the lyrics toUser Friendly, especially the chorus, and laugh through my nose.If you actually did it, I’d die laughing. She giggles.
