“Every time. I can’t even eat crab rangoon anywhere else anymore.”
“I don’t blame you. Damn. I thought the place near my house had good pad Thai, but this?” He whistled and shook his head. “Seriously good.”
“Mmhmm. There’s an Asian fusion place closer to you that does Thai really well, too. But I usually get Ph? there, so…” I shrugged. “I haven’t had their Thai in a while.”
“Yeah?” He cocked a brow. “So they have good Vietnamese?”
I nodded. “Mix and Baddy say their sushi is some of the best, too. I swear they can each blow like a hundred bucks apiece on sushi at that place, and it’s not that expensive.”
Peyton laughed. “I probably could too, if it’s that good. But if they’ve got good Ph?…”
“Best I’ve had since I came to Pittsburgh.”
“Well then.” He nodded sharply. “Sold. I want to try it!”
I grinned. “When the team’s back in town, we should go. I won’t have to ask any of the other guys twice.”
“Perfect.”
The conversation fell into a comfortable lull as we continued eating. Truthfully, I was kicking myself for suggesting we get the rest of the guys to come with us to that place. I wanted to go there with Peyton. Just Peyton.
Buuut that felt a little too much like a date. Two dudes could go out to dinner without it being a date, even if they were both queer, but he and I were on some weird ground. We’d both admitted to some mutual interest, and even though I was still convinced I had blown any chance I ever had with him, I wanted to tread carefully. Both on thatoff chance I still had a shot with him, and also because I liked this friendship we’d slipped into since I’d started getting my shit together. I didn’t want to ruin either of those things.
So… we’d go to the restaurant as a group. Keep things relaxed. Pretend I had more of a shot with Peyton than Vegas had of ever making it past the first round of the playoffs. Better to have him as a friend than a teammate who wouldn’t even make eye contact with me.
After a while, Peyton broke the silence. “So, um…” He sipped his drink. “Feel free to tell me if it’s none of my business. But… you’re doing good these days? I mean, the assistance program and all—is it helping?”
I nodded. “Yeah. It’s been hard. Some of my therapy sessions lately have been rough. But… I get through it.” I loaded some risotto onto my fork. “Probably a lot of hard things I needed to hear. And say.”
“Yeah?”
I took a bite of my pad Thai. After a sip of water, I explained some of what Shannon had told me recently about grief, and how it was especially difficult for men in this society. “We’re not supposed to be emotional. And we’re sure as shit not supposed to be this emotional about someone who isn’t family or a partner, you know? So I guess I just…” I sighed. “I guess I just didn’t know how to be as fucked up over Leif as I am.”
I cringed—God, that sounded so pathetic.
But Peyton was nodding as I spoke. “I’ve heard that. It’s all stupid anyway—how men are and aren’t allowed to have feelings, never mind show them. But yeah, now that you mention it—I’ve never imagined trying to handle losing a friend.”
“I didn’t either. I always kind of figured with stuff like this, you just do it, you know? Grief is what it is. But itturns out if you put up enough mental walls…” I laughed bitterly. “It’s possible to fuck up grieving.”
“You’re not fucking it up,” Peyton said softly. “You’ve just never had to do this before.”
“There is that. This isn’t the first time in my life that someone’s died. Just… the first time it’s been someone I was this close to.”
He winced. “I can’t even imagine how hard that is.”
“You don’t want to,” I whispered, shivering as some of those awful emotions tried to claw their way to the surface. Shifting in my seat, I stared down at my food. “Things like today, though—it helps. A lot. Being around the guys—I think I needed that more than I realized.”
“I bet,” he said softly. “I think it was good for them, too. For all of us.”
I met his gaze again. “You do?”
He nodded. “The guys really are pulling for you. They’ve been worried about you. Seeing you on your feet, skating, being yourself?” Another nod. “Yeah, I think that’s good for all of us.”
I had no idea what to say to that.
“In fact…” He hesitated.
I lifted my gaze to meet his.
