I jumped. “They are?”
His Adam’s apple bobbed as he nodded. “I should give them back to Rachel. But I didn’t want to upset her, and…” He shook his head. “I always kept them in my car when we were both in town during the off season. Since he usually took his bike when we golfed.” He moistened his lips. “Including the last time.”
My stomach somersaulted. “Shit. That’s…” What the hell was I even supposed to say?
Avery cleared his throat and shook himself. “I’m sorry. I’m… I didn’t mean to bring that up.” He sighed. “It’s amazing how everything kind of leads back to it, you know?”
“You two were close,” I said quietly. “I can only imagine how many things remind you of him.”
“It’s a lot. It’s… God, I still don’t know how to do this.”
“Do you think the therapists will help?”
“I do, yeah. They’re assigning me a counselor who specializesin grief. I’ll have an addiction counselor, too, but the grief counselor—she’s the one I’m really hoping will help.” Avery sighed again, suddenly looking utterly exhausted. “I don’t know how much anyone or anything can help, but I hope she will.”
“I hope so too.”
“At least make me less of a mess,” he muttered. “The team needs me to have my head together.”
“Don’t worry about us. We’re all worried aboutyou.”
Avery winced. Exhaling, he leaned forward, hanging his head so he could rub the back of his neck. “I hate that I’m worrying them. They’ve got enough on their plates, you know? They lost Leif too.”
“They did. But everyone knows you two were closer than anyone.” I paused, then gently added, “They’re all supporting you. I promise.”
“I know. And I appreciate it.” He was quiet for a moment before softly admitting, “I thought they’d be pissed at me. For bailing on them.”
The temptation to reach over and knead his neck for him was almost irresistible, but I folded my hands tightly in my lap. Touching, even platonically, would only complicate everything we’d temporarily shelved.
“They’re not pissed,” I told him. “They’re worried about you. They want to support you any way they can. But they’re not pissed.”
He pressed an elbow into his thigh and rubbed his eyes with his thumb and forefinger. “I hate being this much of a mess, though. They should be able to focus on hockey. Not… Not picking up my goddamned slack.”
“Avery. Go easy on yourself. This is no different than if you were out with an injury.”
He lifted his gaze to meet mine.
“Would you feel like a failure if you were out becauseyou’d torn your ACL or got a concussion or something?” I asked. “Because it happens to all of us.”
Chewing his lip, he sat back against the sofa. “I usually do feel like I’m letting everybody down when I’m hurt. That year I broke my collarbone in U16…” He frowned and shook his head.
I studied him. “Okay, but if someone else went down, would you be upset at them?”
“Not if they got hurt,” he said.
“What if they needed help with some mental health?” I pressed. “Didn’t Conway take half a season off for his mental health?”
Avery opened his mouth like he was going to insist that was different, but he stopped himself. Staring down at his wringing hands, he quietly admitted, “Yeah. He had some real bad depression.” He pushed out a breath. “God, we were worried sick about him the whole time he was gone.”
“Okay. Well. That’s where the team’s at right now. They’re not mad at you. They’re not freaking out, thinking they’re going to fall apart without you. They’re just worried about you.” I paused, then quietly added, “We all are.”
He wiped a hand over his face. “I was trying so hard to carry the whole team. Then I just…” He sat back, dropping his hand to his thigh. “Now I’m leaving them in a lurch.”
“You’re not,” I whispered. He turned skeptical eyes on me, so I went on, “This is ateamsport, Avery. That means if somebody’s out for some reason, we all step up. If a team falls apart because they lose one player, or they’re upset at that player for being out and letting them all down?” I scoffed. “Then they’re just slacking off and expecting that person to carry them. A team like thatdeservesto lose.”
He blinked.
“We’re going to keep moving forward,” I said, “same aswe would if you’d broken your leg or went down with a concussion. And yes, itisthe same thing.”
