There was nothing wrong with him. Distantly, I registered that he was as attractive as he’d been before. How his crystal blue eyes had always scrambled my concentration. The way just seeing his smile in a social media post or something could make my brain record-scratch. How I’d always caught myself watching him skate; I’d been mesmerized by the distinctive sway of his shoulders and how his legs moved and how he made it look so effortless.
Now we were on the same ice and in the same jersey. He was here. A teammate. Still hot as ever.
But all the places that should’ve been warm and fluttery with all my fantasies about him were empty. Even when he laughed at something one of the guys said to him, that thousand-watt smile didn’t ignite anything in me.
Christ. My libido was so dead and gone, it was hard to imagine I’d ever had one. Impossible to believe I ever would again.
I tore my gaze away from my new teammate and found a puck. Practicing some stick handling was always a goodway to warm up, and it gave me a reason not to look at my new teammate.
“You know,”I heard Leif saying as he’d skated up to me during warmups in Detroit last season.“I could totally tell him you have a crush on him.”
I’d glared at him.“Don’t you dare.”
“Why not?”His eyes had been full of mischief behind his visor.“He’s right over there.”He’d tipped his head ever so slightly in the direction of the other end of the ice where Peyton’s team had been warming up.“I could just skate up to the red line, get his attention, and?—”
“Do you want me to show Rachel that karaoke video?”
He’d shut his trap and eyed me.“You said you deleted that.”
“Uh-huh.”I nodded toward the other team.“How sure are you that I actually did?”
Leif had pursed his lips. Then he sighed heavily and rolled his eyes.“Christ. You really do take the fun out of everything.”
I’d laughed and punched his arm.“Not my fault you suck at karaoke.”
“Pfft. Whatever.”He’d shot me a pointed look.“Did you delete it or not?”
It was my turn for a toothy, mischievous grin.“Wouldn’t you like to know?”
Then I’d skated away as he called after me,“You’re a dick, Calds!”
Had we been anywhere other than an arena full of fans and cameras, I’d have flipped him the bird. I’d done that later.
In the present, I shook myself and looked around the rink. I needed to get into the moment. Into hockey. I was here, and I had work to do, and we had a whole crowd ofprospects who needed us veterans to have our A-game on so they could learn and develop. Skating around and feeling sorry for myself wasn’t going to help anyone with anything.
Of course, all it took was another glance at Hall for me to slip right back into my own head. He was doing some relaxed passing with a couple of prospects who looked about ten—was I getting old? Shit—and he seemed oblivious to me.
In that moment, Leif should’ve skated by me and muttered,“You’re drooling, Calds,”at which point I’d have smacked him with my stick and called him something the fans and reporters hopefully wouldn’t hear.
I hated that he wasn’t here to chirp me about my stupid crush. I hated that I couldn’t get my goddamned head together. I hated that Leif was going to lose our wager. Not because Hall wouldn’t be interested in me—maybe he would be, maybe he wouldn’t—but because I wouldn’t even try. I couldn’t.
Some part of me wished I could flirt my way into Hall’s bed just so Leif could win our bet and maybe so I could feel something good again.
Part of me was pretty sure that would be a disaster. I didn’t imagine I had it in me to go through the motions of a hookup with anyone. Not even my longtime crush.
Oh my God, I’m a mess.
Right then, someone did skate up to me, but it wasn’t Leif.
Coach Tabakov peered at me from beneath his black baseball cap. “How are you doing, Calds?”
I forced a smile. “Here and skating. That has to count for something.”
“It does.” He clapped my shoulder. “It counts for a lot.”
The sadness in his eyes didn’t help me pull my brain on to the rails.
“Listen, before we get started,” he said, glancing at the rest of the guys as if to make sure we had some relative privacy. “We’re going to be trying out some new lines today.”
