Right now was one of those moments, and I hated myself for it, which made me feel even worse.
I shouldn’t have come here.
I didn’t know if I meant this golf course or this city—not that I had a choice about coming to the city—only that being anywhere but here was incredibly appealing.
My teammates had already caught on that I wasn’t in a good place today, though, and I didn’t want them to worry. They needed to trust that I had my head together enough to play hockey and to be their captain.
So, I forced myself to focus on our golf game, and I forced myself to join in with the banter and snarking even though I wasn’t feeling it at all.
By the time we reached the eighteenth hole, the sun was starting to set. Made sense—it felt like we’d been out here for hours and hours. Except then I realized it was only like 4:30.
We hadn’t been out here forever. It was just late November and the sun went down earlier.
“You think that’s dark early?”Leif had given a haughty scoff.“Try living somewhere the sun doesn’t come up at all this time of year.”
“Oh, fuck off.”I’d shoved him.“Your hometown doesn’t get the polar night, you drama queen.”
“Hey! I had family in Kiruna!”
“Uh-huh, and you only visited them every other year, so you didn’t live there. Shut up.”
At least this time, I snapped out of it before any of the guys noticed, and I managed to stay in the present as we headed into the clubhouse. We grabbed dinner there, since they had a great restaurant, and then we Ubered back to the hotel. There, some of our teammates were, predictably, hanging out in the bar, so naturally, we joined them.
I had to resist the urge to pound my mojito like a shot while gesturing at the bartender to start making me another one. Not here. Not in front of my teammates.
I sipped it, willing myself to drink slowly no matter how bad I wanted to get fucked up. When I made it the bottom of the glass, I casually ordered a whiskey on the rocks. A double. If I couldn’t throw it back like I so desperately wanted to, then I could at least make it strong enough to pack a punch.
It was getting the job done, too. As the evening went on, I had to work harder to follow the conversations around me, and not just because the bar was so loud. It started with my teammates who had strong accents—Mix and Ziggy, mostly, but also Astala, who was Finnish, and Willie, who was Quebecois. After another round, even the Americans and Anglophile Canadians started making less and less sense.
Yes. God, yes. More oblivion. Less clarity. Hell yeah.
At some point, as I was getting into my… hell, I didn’t know how many I’d had at this point, but I was only partway through my current drink. Anyway, the guys were starting to settle up their tabs and peel away. A few sips later, only Baddy and Mix remained besides me.
“Morning skate comes early.” Eminem clapped my shoulder. “You heading up soon?”
I gestured with my glass. “Gonna finish this first. I’m right behind you.”
He arched an eyebrow. “You sure?”
“Yeah.” I grinned. “You want me to let this go to waste? That’s alcohol abuse!”
He considered me curiously for a moment, then chuckled, smacked my shoulder again, and left with the rest of the guys.
I closed my eyes and exhaled. I was finally alone except for the bartenders and the ghost of my best friend. I couldn’t shake him off. Not here. We’d played on that golf course. We’d drunk in this bar. Leif’s name was all over this city. All over mylife.
I couldn’t even look at my gorgeous new teammate without thinking about the man who’d bet me a hundred bucks and three steak dinners that we’d hook up. At least Peyton hadn’t joined me and the guys in the bar tonight. I’d probably do or say something stupid.
I took a deep swallow from my drink, begging it to take me closer to the oblivion where Leif had never existed and I could actually be sane.
God, I miss you, Leif.
Apparently this was the ugly side of having such a close friend. Everywhere I went was stained with his memory. With hisabsence.
I needed to sleep. We had our morning skate, and we had tomorrow night’s game.
First, I needed to spend some time forgetting why this place hurt so damn much.
So I finished my drink just like I’d told Eminem I would.
