Oh, yeah. Captain material, right here.
Never again. Last night was a fluke. There is no way in hell I’m going to let them see me like that again. Ever.
Well. At least there hadn’t been any cameras in the room except for the team reporter’s crew, and they’d been summarily warned to shut it off and delete the footage. Even as I’d pulled myself together, I’d been aware that the rest of the reporters hadn’t come in like they usually had.From the murmurs of conversation around me, I gathered that a couple of my teammates had gone out into the hall to talk to the press rather than letting them in.
I appreciated that, but holy fuck, I hated myself for making it necessary. I should’ve been able to face the cameras and microphones myself. I definitely shouldn’t have needed my teammates to step out and, well, take one for the team. I was their captain, for God’s sake.Theywere supposed to lean onme, not the other way around.
Never. Again.
Swallowing against the bile in my throat, I wrote out a message in the Whiskey Rebels group chat rather than responding to everyone individually.
Hey guys, thanks for the messages this morning. Last night was hard, but I’m okay. I’ll see you all at practice.
Then I tossed my phone onto the nightstand, closed my eyes, and swore aloud as I kneaded my throbbing temples. My phone chirped several times with incoming texts, and I checked just in case I needed to answer any of them, but it was just teammates replying with things like“glad to hear it, man”and“see you at the rink.”
Okay. That was dealt with. Now all I had to do was put my money where my mouth was. Step one, get my ass out of bed. Step two, shower. Then there’d be coffee, breakfast, and all the other parts of my pre-practice routine. I’d just have to deal with the looks of pity and concern at the rink, at least until I convinced everyone that last night was a one-time thing. Once they realized I had my shit together, everything would feel like normal again.
So just… had to get there. Put on the normal face. Be the player. Be the captain. Be okay.
Step one, get my ass out of bed.
I was just sitting up when my phone chirped again. I groaned. It was going to be like this all day, wasn’t it? Or at least until I showed my face at practice in… what time was it again? I didn’t even know. Probably long past time for me to be up and moving in the direction of the training facility, though.
I fumbled around for my phone, found it, then peered at the screen to see who’d texted this time.
Rachel
Hey, hon. You okay?
Oh God.Ouch. Leif’s widow had had to be strong for her kids last night and get through that entire memorial ceremony with all those cameras in her face, and now she was trying to comfortmystupid ass?
Fuck’s sake. I needed to get it together, didn’t I?
I swung my legs over the edge of the bed, then started typing out a response.
I’m good. Last night was more emotional than I expected. How are you doing?
Rachel
Good as can be expected. Do you want to come by after practice? The kids would love to see you.
I closed my eyes and pushed out a breath. Anything she and the kids needed, the answer was always a resoundingyes. Was I strong enough for that today?
Probably not, but I was going to be, because Leif’s family and our team needed me to be that strong.
Sure. I’ll text you when I’m on my way.
There. Now I was committed.
I made myself get up and into the shower. It helped, if only because the routine was familiar and comfortable. Afterward, my mind and body were both simultaneously numb and aching. I’d felt that way the morning after Leif’s funeral, too, and I clung to the fact that I’d eventually broken through it.
One foot in front of the other. One day at a time. Oneminuteat a time.
I’d done it then. I could do it now.
In the bathroom, I flattened my palms on the cold marble and stared myself down in the mirror. I looked like hell. The heat of the shower had only given my skin a little extra color, so I was still too pale, especially in the unforgiving vanity light. A few strands of wet hair fell over my eyes, which were surprisingly red.
Had I been crying? Hell, maybe. I’d felt a little raw in the shower, so yeah, I might’ve done some crying.
