Peyton got out of his car as I was pulling into the garage. For a split second, I was tempted to hit the button and let the door come down in his face, but… I really did want to talk to him. I was angry and hurt, yes, but mostly I wanted to tell him everything I’d gleaned from my appointment with Shannon. See if we could salvage this after all.
What a weird contradiction of emotions as I faced him in the driveway—wanting to both tell him off and beg him to stay.
Was it too much to ask for a few minutes to process all this shit and get my head together before we talked? Apparently so.
“Hey.” His voice sounded hollow. “Can we talk?”
I chewed the inside of my cheek. The words,“No, get the fuck out of here,”were dangerously close to tumbling out, but so were,“I’m so sorry I made you feel like your only option was leaving.”
Instead, I nodded and gestured for him to follow me inside. I desperately needed some water, and he accepted an offered glass as well. Drinks in hand, we sat on the couch, and I tried not to think about how the conversation had gone last time we’d been here. Or that this was the place he’d slept that night he’d picked me up at the club, which had not been my finest hour.
After a sip of water, Peyton took a deep breath like he was about to speak.
“Wait.” I put up both my hands. “Let me talk.”
He stared at me, mouth still open like he wanted to protest. Slowly, though he relaxed, and he nodded. “Okay. Go ahead.”
Oh. Fuck. I wasn’t ready for this. But I was committed, so no turning back now.
“I get why you’re worried that I don’t really feel this way about you,” I began. “And… yeah. I’m still broken over Leif. I probably will be for a long time.” I had to swallow against the renewed rush of emotions. “But when I say I’m in love with you, I mean it. I can love you while I’m still grieving him.”
“I know you?—”
“Let me finish,” I pleaded.
He closed his mouth again.
I rolled my shoulders. “You’re not just the first good thing that’s come along after I lost my best friend. And you’re not just someone who scraped me up off the pavement. The truth is I’ve wanted you since long before you came to this team. And the more I’ve seen who you are, the more I’ve fallen for you. Not because you saved me from my own stupid self, but because you’re the kind of man who would do that. Even for a teammate who was a jerk to him and gave him every reason not to.”
Peyton lowered his gaze.
“Yeah, I’m still a mess after what happened to Leif,” I whispered. “It’s… That’s going to be a long road. There’s no way around it. But the way I feel about you? That has nothing to do with grief, and everything to do with you andonlyyou.”
He looked at me then, eyebrows up as if he hadn’t heard me right.
“Like I said, I’m so fucking broken right now,” I went on. “And I will be for a while. The fact that I still had the capacity to fall for you while I’m like this—you’re just that amazing of a person.”
His lips parted.
I hesitated, then steeled myself and moved a little closer to him on the couch. When he didn’t back away, I said, “I know it also seems like it happened so fast. Like we jumped into bed and had some fun for a while, and now… this.” I tentatively took his hand. “But I think I was falling for you long before we ever landed in bed.”
“Me too,” Peyton murmured. He hesitated as if he wasn’t sure if I was done. Then he softly said, “I think that’s why I was so surprised you thought I wasn’t into you anymore. Because by then…” He trailed off, shaking his head. “I was so far gone for you and didn’t even realize it yet.”
My heart flipped, and for a goddamned change, it was a good feeling. “You are?”
He nodded, not looking at me, and he swiped at his eyes. “I’m so ridiculously in love with you, and I have been for a while. But after we talked, I think…” He wrung his hands and swallowed hard. “When I backed away, I don’t think it was about us as much as it was about me.”
“What do you mean?”
“I told you what I went through with my family. With my mom and her drinking.” He pushed out a ragged breath. “I think that’s affected me more than I thought it did.” He laced our fingers together and gripped my hand so tight it was almost painful. “I think I need to get some help, too. To work through everything from my family.”
The words caught me by surprise, and it took a second before I could speak again. “You… You do?”
Peyton nodded. “Yeah. Because I think I’ve got a lot of crap in there”—he gestured at his own head—“that wants to get in the way of what we’re doing. And I need to do something about that.”
I chewed my lip, fear keeping me silent for a moment.The question on the tip of my tongue was an important one, but damn if I wasn’t terrified of the answer.
This wasn’t the time for easy subjects, though, so I took a deep breath and made myself ask, “Does that mean you’re not in a good place for a relationship?”
