“I’m not calling it off. I’m…” He stared down at his wringing hands for a long moment, his brow furrowed with unspoken thoughts. I held my breath, not sure what he was going to say next and without a clue what I wanted him to say.
That wasn’t true. Of course I knew what Iwantedhim to say. I wanted him to tell me he loved me and everything was fine. But… I also wanted him to tell me the truth, and the truth in the way his eyebrows knitted together and his jaw worked—that wasn’t “I love you and there’s nothing wrong.”
After a fucking eternity, Peyton looked in my eyes. “I’m not saying it’s over. I’m not. I just… I need to step back and think about what we’re doing. And I think you do too.”
It took a lot of work to swallow past both my dry mouth and the sudden lump in my throat. “For how long?” I croaked. “How does that even work?”
Peyton shook his head and dropped his gaze again. “Idon’t know. I’ve—I’ve never done this before, so… I don’t know.”
“So thismightbe over.” Anger crept into my voice, and I let it because that was a lot easier to deal with than all the other emotions trying to shove past it.
“Maybe?” He met me with a helpless look. “I mean it—I don’t know. I don’t want to walk away from this. From you.” He spread his hands. “But I also don’t want to get this invested when I don’t know if you’re here for who I am or what I did.”
I blinked. “But… I do love you for you who are. It’s not because—” I studied him. “Do youreallythink that’s all this is?”
“That’s the problem,” he whispered. “I don’t know. And I mean, I have no regrets. Helping you get into rehab—I’d do that again in a heartbeat. Being with you—that’s been amazing. Like I said, I’m not saying we’re done. I just need to make sure I know where one thing ends and the other starts. That’s all.”
I flinched away from his gaze.
“I’m sorry, Avery. I really don’t want to end this over?—”
“Yeah, I heard you,” I snapped, locking eyes with him again. “But you’re still stepping back and…” I flailed a hand. “If you need to take some time and go think, then fucking go instead of sitting here trying to convince me I should be happy about it.”
He stared at me, lips apart. “I’m not trying to tell you you should be happy about it.I’mnot happy about it! I just want?—”
“Then maybe it’s the wrong damn move!” I got up, suddenly restless and desperate to get away from him. “Fuck’s sake. What do you even want me to say? That I’ve completely compartmentalized everything, and havingfeelings for you has absolutely nothing to do with anything?” I threw up my hands. “What am I supposed to say? That I’m sorry I fell in love with you because I fucking did it wrong?”
“Avery.” He rose too. “You didn’t do anything wrong. I’m not asking you to apologize for anything. You’re not?—”
“Then what do youwant, Peyton?” I growled. “I can’t change how things happened, and I can’t change the way I feel.” I set my jaw if only to keep myself from breaking down. “Tell me what you want from me.”
Again he stared at me, but this time, his expression shifted from hurt and pleading to something harder. Something more closed off. Straightening a little, he said, “Maybe what we both need right now is some space.”
I threw up my hands again and said nothing. I didn’t say a word and neither did he as he went upstairs, collected his things, and left.
When the door clicked shut behind him, the tiny sound echoing through this huge, empty house, I sank onto the couch and pushed out a breath. My anger had already flamed out. I wasn’t even really angry anyway—I was hurt. I wascrushed.
Iwantedto be angry. I wanted to light him up and tell him this was bullshit. I wanted to tell him he was reading too much into something. Seeing something that wasn’t there.
But could I tell him—completely honestly—that everything between uswasn’twhat he thought it was? That itwasn’tme falling for him because he’d pulled me from the mire? That I’d still have fallen for him like this if we’d just hooked up and started a relationship like normal people?
I groaned aloud. Fuck. Fuck! What if he wasright?
Yeah, I’d had a thing for him long before I crashed and burned, but this? These feelings that tumbled through meevery time I thought about him? The way my heart went absolutely wild every time I looked at him?
That was new.
And it had all happened since Peyton had brought me home from that club.
I wanted to believe all those feelings happened on their own, but I couldn’t separate them from everything else.
I leaned forward and pushed my hands through my hair.
Fuck. What if he was right?
What if the best thing I’d ever had reallywasjust me clinging to the man who’d saved me from myself?
CHAPTER 38
