I returned the smile, and I meant it as I said, “I’m very optimistic.”
“Good. Everyone in Pittsburgh and in the League is in your corner, Calds, and we’re looking forward to seeing you in black and gold again.”
She did the usual signoff so the network couldtransition back to the commentators when the interview as actually broadcast, and the interview was over.
As soon as the camera was off, Falon stepped closer and hugged me again. “I’m so sorry you’ve been struggling. I knew you had to be having a hard time, but I didn’t realize it was this bad.”
I returned the unexpected hug and chuckled softly. “It probably wouldn’t have been quite as hard if I hadn’t been so stupid and stubborn about it.”
“Nah.” She let me go, and as she pulled back, she met my gaze. “Nobody wants to feel that way, and I mean, I’ve been covering hockey for a long time. I know how close you boys get.” She gestured with her microphone at the locker room door. “You’re not the only one who’s had a tough time.”
I grimaced. “I just hope it hasn’t been harder on them, watching me collapse like this.”
“No. Quite the opposite, from what I’ve seen.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah. You remember what happened after the home opener?”
I shuddered. “I wish I didn’t.”
“Right, well, I know it wasn’t fun for you, but I think it did your teammates more good than you might think.”
“It—” I blinked. “It did?”
“Well, yeah. Especially the younger guys. They’re all trying to be tough and pretend nothing affects them, but then when they see you buckle under it, they realize it’s not just them, and it’s okay to hurt that much.” She squeezed my arm. “I know you’re afraid everyone thought you were weak or that you let them down, but you couldn’t be more wrong.”
My throat constricted around my breath. It hadn’toccurred to me that the rest of the team might be struggling the same way I was—not sure how to grieve or how to release some of those unfamiliar and horrible emotions. All I’d imagined was them keeping their game faces on while they held me up, the whole time thinking they could never look at me the same again. Or that they’d overestimated my ability to lead this team.
“I didn’t think about that,” I admitted. “I thought…” The words stuck in my tight throat.
“These men love you, Calds.” She gave my arm another squeeze before letting go. “From what they’ve said to me, they’ve been in awe all this time that you stayed upright as long as you did, and that when you hit your breaking point, you didn’t completely crash and burn.” She smiled. “You’re tougher than you think, hon, and everyone in there”—she nodded toward the locker room—“knows it.”
I swallowed past that obnoxious lump. It was hard to believe that, but I’d learned that I was wrong about a lot of things over the past few months. There was no reason to think this couldn’t be an exception.
“I should go in and see them,” I said. “Before they have to have their game faces on.”
She nodded and left me to it, heading down the hall toward the ice, probably to set up by the bench for rink-side interviews during warmups.
Alone in the hallway, I paused for a moment to steel myself. I had no reason to believe my intrusive thoughts were right when they’d been wrong about so many other things.
Finally, I took a deep breath.
Then I pushed open the door and stepped into the locker room.
CHAPTER 28
PEYTON
I was looking down and pulling on my shinpads, but I still knew the instant Avery walked into the room.
“Captain!” Baddy called out.
“Holy fuck, it’s Calds!” That was Ziggy. I think. Might’ve been Mix—they sounded almost the same when they were being exuberant.
I lifted my gaze, and my heart flipped. I’d seen (and ogled) him in that suit when we’d driven in, but the way he was smiling right then… oh my God. He’d been so damn worried about how our teammates would receive him, even the guys who’d played with us yesterday, but all that worry had vanished. He was smiling like I hadn’t seen since I’d come to Pittsburgh. A little startled, a lot relieved, and genuinely happy. He’d probably missed this place and these men, and I knew he’d worked himself up, thinking the guys wouldn’t want to see him.
Sometimes it was good to be wrong, and from the way he smiled and chirped in between hugs, he didn’t mind at all that he’d been wrong.
