Whatever—I’d take it.
For a long time, I sat out here and stared at the lake. Ironically, this was how I’d first expected to spend this trip—alone. But I wasn’t alone. Jesse was here. He was giving me space, which I appreciated, and he was probably struggling to make sense of this morning as much as I was. Or maybe he’d just mentally told her to fuck off and had moved on with his life.
My phone pinged beside the ashtray. I checked it, and I wasn’t at all surprised to see another text from Selena.
Rolling my eyes, I put the phone facedown again, picked up the joint, and took a deep drag off it. I wished she’d give it a rest. I had no idea how she thought this would play out—if she actually saw me caving or whatever—but I was done with her.
She was determined, though. When I’d talked to Jesse, I hadn’t told him she’d texted several times since she’d left. Or that I’d left her unblocked because we still had a few logistics to sort out from our lease and our wedding. From the whole life we’d built together. He didn’t need to know about all that. I wasn’t mad at him for accidentally leaving one of her accounts unblocked. In fact, I envied him being able to cut her off completely; he was fortunate to not be this entangled with her.
I blew out some smoke and pressed back against the deck chair. Watching the thin wisps fade into the crisp evening, I cursed her name for the hundredth time. I was done. So, so done. This morning had left me off-balance for a lot of reasons. All day long, I couldn’t shake away the constant thought of,I almost married you?
It wasn’tjustthat, though.
For one thing, she wasn’t the only one texting me. My family was confused. Hers was sympathetic. Our mutual friends were mixed. Some had definitely known more about Selena than I had, and they were apparently also familiar with her habit of trying to deflect blame by making bullshit accusations. They didn’t buy what she was selling.
Those who didn’t know her history, well… they had some choice words for me about accusing her of cheating when it turned out I’d been the cheater.
I’d responded to a few, explaining myself and the reality of the situation. Eventually I’d just started copying and pasting the same explanation to anyone who pinged me. After a while… I’d just stopped replying to anyone. I was exhausted. Even exchanging messages with people who were on my side was draining. I just wanted to move on and forget this all happened.
More than anything, though, I was rattled after this morning, and even the weed wouldn’t chase that away. Every time I replayed my confrontation with my ex, it wasn’t her words thathit me in the chest. It was the same thing I heard again and again every time I looked at Jesse:
“It turns out he means something to me.”
I winced and squeezed my eyes shut. What the hell was I supposed to do with that? And how was I supposed to get through the rest of this trip? I was looking forward to going out moose-watching with him tomorrow, but at the same time, it hurt just thinking about being in the same space as him. I felt guilty for shutting him out right now. I was a goddamned mess after what I’d said to Selena. I just… didn’t know what I felt or what I should do.
Maybe I needed some outside advice.
Yes. Yes, that was what I needed. I had people in my life who loved and supported me, and who wouldn’t hesitate to tell me when I was being a dumbass. Exactly what the doctor ordered right now.
With some renewed determination, I put the joint on the ashtray and picked up my phone. There were more texts, of course. I ignored them, though, and went to my contacts, where I scrolled to an ex-girlfriend from college. Bree and I hadn’t been all that serious, and we’d figured out we were better friends than partners, so we’d broken up and stayed friends.
Selena hadn’t been happy about that. In fact, the more I thought about it, the more I realized how many of my close friends—including a handful of exes—I hadn’t talked to in a while. She’d never told me I couldn’t talk to them, and she’d never told me to unfriend them, but she’d make it clear she didn’t like it. And over time, I’d talked to them less and less.
I leaned forward and rubbed my forehead with the heel of my hand. Had I really believed I was happy with her? Because the more I saw who she really was, and the more I saw the impact she’d had on my life…
Jesus Christ. It had hurt to find out she was cheating, but it turned out I might’ve dodged a huge bullet.
I opened Bree’s contact to send a text. With another pang of guilt, I realized the last time I’d texted her had been almost six months ago. Just a quick birthday message, and that was that. And she’d texted me today, within minutes of Selena’s video hitting social media.
Bree
Hey are you okay?
I winced. I’d kept her at arm’s length to appease my fiancée, and she’d still been among the first to reach out with concern. And she’d been one of the few I hadn’t replied to for reasons I couldn’t even explain. Guilt? Shame? Fuck if I knew.
With my stomach knotted, I texted her now.
I’m ok. Things are nuts. Do you have time to talk?
She responded in seconds with a FaceTime request. I indulged in a relieved sigh, then accepted.
“Hey,” she said. “What’s going on?”
I blew out a breath. “Where do I even start?”
“At the beginning, I guess?”
“How much have you heard so far?”
