As he poured himself some coffee, he studied me. “Everything okay?”
“I, uh…”
His face fell, and there was a mix of panic and disappointment in his eyes. As if he were internally freaking out, wondering if he’d done something wrong, and he also knew last night would be the last night.
Well, at least his panic kept me from beating around the bush; I didn’t want to broach this subject, but I also didn’t want him to keep wondering what I wasn’t telling him. So, I cut right to the chase.
“Look, last night…” I swallowed hard and made myself look at him. “I, uh… I don’t know if I can keep doing this.”
A fresh flurry of emotions crossed his face. Alarm. Hurt. Disappointment. Frustration. Voice soft, he asked, “Sleeping together, you mean?”
“Yeah. Don’t get me wrong—I want to. Last night was…” I whistled, shaking my head. “It was amazing. But I…” With a heavy sigh, I raked my hand through my hair. “I’m a mess, Jesse. After Selena. I don’t even know which way is up. I...”
“I get it,” he whispered.
I met his eyes again. “You do?”
“Well, yeah.” He half-shrugged. “I’m not thrilled, and I want to keep doing this, but… I get it. I’ve been going through hell because of her too.”
“You have,” I agreed. “And it fucking sucks.”
He gave a bitter, almost soundless laugh. “It definitely fucking sucks.”
I nodded. “And… I’m not saying no forever. Maybe we’ll get there. I just…” I blew out a breath as I rubbed my stiffening neck. “I’m so fucking confused right now.”
“I know. I am too.” Jesse rolled his shoulders. “We’re both in a shitty spot right now. Thesameshitty spot. Maybe it isn’t a good idea to make that more complicated.”
The words“how does something that feels so good complicate things?”wanted to jump out of my mouth, but I bitthem back. Yes, everything I’d done with him felt good. It felt fucking incredible.
It would complicate things, though. That, and Jesse deserved someone who wasn’t such a goddamned mess. As much as I wanted to tell myself I was over Selena—good riddance to bad rubbish and all that—I wasn’t. There was a lot of history to sift through and a lot of grief and anger to get past. And Jesse had plenty of his own history, grief, and anger to deal with. Even if hooking up or dating or whatever felt good in the now, we were both on the rebound. Itwouldblow up in our faces sooner or later.
“Let’s keep things simple,” I said. “Maybe down the line, after we’ve both had some time...”
He nodded. “Good idea.” He paused. “What, um… What do we donow, though?” He gestured at our surroundings.
That was a good question. We still had quite a bit of time left here in Moosehead Lake, and we were still living together back in Pittsburgh.
I swept my tongue across my lips. “I guess… just go back to the way things were? Just be friends and roommates?”
Something flickered across his face so fast I couldn’t read it. A subtle wince? A faint grimace? As if my suggestion stung? Hell, maybe it did. It stung me, too.
He exhaled, though, and he nodded again. “Okay. Let’s just do that, then. We’ll see how things shake out down the line.”
Why was I so disappointed that he was agreeing to this? Why was there some part of me screaming for him to push back and fight and talk sense into me?
Because I was stupid, that was why. This sucked, but it was the right thing to do. We weren’t ready for anything beyond friendship. Not yet.
I cleared my throat. “Okay. Okay, good. So, uh… now that we’re on the same page…” I gestured toward the kitchen. “Should we eat breakfast and go find something to do?”
Jesse smiled, though his eyes were still sad. “Yeah. Wasn’t there a sign back in Greenville for kayak rentals?”
“I think so, yeah. You want to hit the lake?”
“Why not?” He shrugged, some more enthusiasm slipping into his expression. “I haven’t been kayaking in years.”
“Sounds good to me.”
As best we could, we shifted back to the dynamic we’d had when we’d arrived in Maine. We hung out. We talked. We explored the various sights and activities the area had to offer. We cooked and ate and smoked together.
