I could relate. Selena and I hadn’t been engaged and we didn’t live together, so logistically, splitting up with her would be easy.
Emotionally, though?
Fuck me. I’dlovedher. I’d genuinely imagined a future with her. And then…
Then the goddamned bottom had fallen out of everything.
I was still reeling, Still an absolute mess over her. I swear, the only thing that had kept me from breaking down in the coffee shop was the bone-deep fear of how he was going to react. Even after he’d taken me up on my (admittedly impulsive and not-at-all-thought-through) offer to live with me while he got on his feet, I’d still been sure the other shoe was about to drop.
It hadn’t, though. We hadn’t even stayed much longer after that; he’d had to get back to work, and I imagined he needed to pull himself together before he was back on the clock. Me? I’d asked a barista for the restroom code, let myself in, and heavedmy guts out. Then I’d left too, coming home to—ostensibly—get back to work.
Yeah. That wasn’t happening.
I’d given up around one o’clock and told my boss I was taking half a personal day. Then I’d logged out and gone in to shower just to chase away the gross feeling that had been crawling all over me since I’d found out about Eric. It didn’t help much. I suspected time was the only thing that would scrub away all that guilt and disgustingness.
After getting dressed, I’d spent some time putting the spare bedroom together for Eric. It didn’t get used much—my brother was the only one who stayed in it with any regularity, and he was only in town once or twice a year. I dusted and vacuumed, put sheets on the bed, and made sure the en suite bathroom was stocked with anything a guest might need.
And that…
That was about all I had to do. I didn’t have to worry about hiding evidence of Selena—I’d tossed all of that before I’d ever reached out to Eric—but I did a sweep through the condo just in case. The last thing he needed was to stumble across a photo I’d forgotten to take down.
With the spare bedroom set up and the condo devoid of any remaining Selena debris, I dropped onto the couch and tried to figure out what to do with myself.
Clyde, one of my two cats, jumped up on the couch and crawled into my lap. I absently petted him, and he purred as he rubbed against my hand. Usually that was more than enough to break me out of any funk, whether it had been a shit day at work or I’d had a tiff with the woman I’d thought was my girlfriend. Today, even my aggressively affectionate cat couldn’t puncture this nauseating guilt and misery.
I didn’t want to feel these feelings. My sister had told me the other night that it was important to do just that, especially whileI was going through something like this. I understood it on an intellectual level. Bottling it up and ignoring it never did anyone any good; my siblings and I had all learned that watching our dad.
But I didn’t want to feel any of it. Not right now. I hadn’t even confronted Selena yet. I’d wanted to talk to Eric first. I hadn’t wanted her to have a chance to do damage control or conjure up a lie to make me look like the bad guy. Now Eric wanted some time to think, too.
“I don’t know when or how to do this yet,”he’d said before leaving the coffee shop.“I need to figure out what I should do next. I don’t want to tip my hand until I’ve strategized, you know?”
I got that. And theoretically, that didn’t preclude me from dropping my own bomb on her. I didn’t have to tell her that Eric knew about me. I could just end the damn relationship and start moving on with my life.
On the coffee table, my phone chirped with Selena’s text tone. I cringed. She was getting off work right about now, wasn’t she?
The words on the screen confirmed it:
Hey babe! (kiss emoji) Heading home from work.
My mouth tasted bitter as I replied:
How was your day? Drive safe. (heart emoji)
Our flirty banter had been the highlight of my day more times than I could count. Now it just made me sick to my stomach. How often had she been sending me kissy faces and suggestive messages while doing the same thing with Eric inanother window? Or while Eric was in the same room? In the samebed?Ugh. Gross.
My phone pinged again. Gut roiling, I eyed the screen.
A client told me about a new sushi place downtown. Want to try it tonight?
The words“I would but I’m getting my condo ready for your ex-fiancé to move in”wanted to leap from my fingertips, but I kept them back. I didn’t give a fuck about her feelings, but I wasn’t going to upend things for Eric more than I already had.
Sorry, baby. (sad emoji) Doing overtime tonight.
Aww (sad emoji) I haven’t seen you all week.
I’m sorry.
figures, right when my work starts lightening up, yours goes crazy. (crazy eyes emoji)
