One
Josie
It’s a truth universally acknowledged that on your first Saturday night after breaking up with a lying scumbag, you probably shouldn’t be wandering through the crumbling halls of the Ravenswood Mental Asylum for the Disturbed. Officially, it was renamed the Ravenswood Institute for Mental Health years ago, but everyone in town still calls it the Asylum, especially now that it’s been bought and turned into a haunted film set slash party venue. So here I am, after four long years of coupledom, pretending not to be brokenhearted at this bizarre party. The good news is I’m rocking a kickass DIY mummy dress made with rolls of gauze, safety pins, and just the right amount of bedazzle. At least I look good, even if I feel terrible.
When I pulled the Wheel of Fortune card from my deck this morning, I took it at face value: a promise that everything was going to change today. The tarot sure has a wicked sense of humor.
Fortune, you tricky bitch.
It’s been three hours since I called off my wedding with my now former fiancé, Bryan, after a fight that could have made me a viral sensation. Cue my dramatic exit from the diner, all tearsand snot right after throwing my engagement ring on top of Bryan’s plate of chicken-fried steak.
“I’d like to wrapyouaround my finger,” slurs some random Franken-dude, plucking at my costume as I dart into what I hope is a less packed room.
“Go fuck yourself,” I say sweetly.
If this is what “getting back out there” looks like, I should have stayed in.
The cards don’t lie, but they didn’t predict this, either.
For a moment I wish I’d kept that ring to ward off leering pricks. I’d love to say I’m here to celebrate my freedom, but really, I’m just trying to be a good friend. Weeks ago, I promised my best friend, Honor, I’d be her date for the joint corporate bash her boyfriend, Strike, and his best friend, Axe, throw every year. (Axe? That name makes me think of Vikingcore.) Of course Strike (hisname makes me think of target practice and tactical drones) is here, too, but Honor knew he’d be too busy tech schmoozing, so she begged me to keep her company.
When I agreed to come, I had no idea the last thing I’d want to do tonight would be to dress up and plaster on a fake smile. But if there’s one thing I’ve always believed, it’s that the most important rule of friendship is to show up.
So here I am, concealing the tears and snot with cleavage and glitter.
The theme of this year’s SynthoTech/Dark Matter Entertainment party is “Our House of Horrors,” even though it is February and not Halloween. Axe is the CEO of SynthoTech, which makes me wonder if Strike is only friends with other uber-rich, uber-hot CEOs. Their teams have pulled out all the stops and transformed this space from low-key creepy into something truly terrifying.
This is my first time inside the Ravenswood facility, though Ihave seen it on television. Apparently, after the asylum closed down, the landowner had the brilliant idea to reimagine it as a film set, and it’s managed to continually bring in business for all kinds of different projects, from local productions to Hollywood studios, all in middle-of-nowhere Shelton, Pennsylvania. Since it has that whole creepy old Victorian mansion vibe, it’s been a boarding school for mutants on a teen drama series, a “country estate” for a terrible AmericanDownton Abbeyrip-off, and the home of the Addams Family in the most recent reboot.
Tonight they’ve dressed the place with flickering lights and broken antique furniture, and they even hired actors dressed to look like zombies or axe murderers.
Come to think of it, why are axe murderers the only murderers defined by their weapon? Why aren’t there gun murderers and car murderers? Why axes specifically? Also, for real, who names their kid Axe? Does he have a brother named Hammer? A dog called Nail?
Man, I can’t stand that guy. His full name sounds like a rejected perfume.Axe MacKenzie for Men,available at a select retailer near you.And listen, I’m usually chill—I’m the rare person who actually defendedCatsthe movie, if that tells you anything.
Fog hangs low over this decrepit building, and the night is lit only by old-fashioned gas lamps. Every few minutes, a scream slices through the party noise, probably someone caught off-guard by a wannabe horror-movie actor lurking in the dark. I’ve been jump-scared twice already, and each time, I’ve spilled the mysterious red drink a waitress dressed as a sexy nurse gave me down my front. On the plus side, the fake blood splatter has improved my costume.
Guess Honor’s right that I’m a glass-half-full type of girl.
Even when the full half of the glass lands on my dress.
“Here you go. Madness Elixirs! Aka, your basic vodka cranberries,” Honor says when she appears with two more martini glasses filled to the brim. “I told Strike he could have done better with the drink names. Like maybe something about blood? But he shot me down.” She hands me one of the glasses just as another guest catches my eye. He’s dressed as Freddy Krueger fromA Nightmare on Elm Street. Striped sweater, brimmed hat.
Could the cards have meant I’d break up with Bryan and meet my soulmate tonight? Is my destiny someone with razor fingers? Did he just wink at me?
“Let’s hit the lobotomy lab,” I tell Honor as I turn away from Freddy. There’s a fine line between a glass half-full and desperate optimism.
She wrinkles her nose. “I don’t know about that room.”
“I think they’ve got some kind of tableau going on? Could be cool.”
“I have to hand it to Axe and Strike,” says Honor as I thread my arm through hers to lead her through the hallway. “This place is pretty epic.”
I don’t think I need to hand Axe anything, but I’m starting to enjoy this party. For one thing, it’s getting my mind off Bryan. Also, I might look like rainbows and unicorns on the outside, but I love horror almost as much as I love romance. Scary movies and Stephen King novels are good reminders that things could be worse. Sure, I nearly tied the knot with the world’s biggest douche canoe—but at least I’m not being stalked by a psycho clown with a knife collection.
See? That’s what I call a glass-full attitude.
Right now, for example, Honor and I stumble upon what I can only assume is the lobotomy lab, and I consider that instead of rocking this sexy mummy costume, I could be that poor actorstrung up on a rack, his arms shackled to a steel post. I wonder if they hired some artists from that mutant show, because whoever did his makeup deserves an Oscar.
