“He came home with groceries so you can make dinner later. Just like he promised! And besides, he’s busy cleaning up.”
Alice crosses her arms defiantly.
“Do it!” she commands again. “Take a bite!”
I force out a smile. I take the sandwich and dip a corner in the soup. I put it to my mouth and insert it and close my lips around it and pull off a portion with my teeth.
I gag as I chew and swallow, making facial expressions and sounds of culinary delight.
Mmm.
I used to make this for my kids. We first had it at a ski resort in Vermont where we went in the winter months. John and I both love to ski.Lovedto ski, I should say. I can’t remember the last time we went skiing.
It was different after we had children. Our days were spenttethered to little bodies that grew heavy with the pull of gravity, and we would become exhausted after a few runs on easy trails. John liked to hold Nicole’s poles and ski beside her, forcing her to make turns and learn how to control her speed. I would hold the back of a harness tied to Annie’s waist and snowplow behind her. Evan—he always went with the other kids in the group lessons. It was too embarrassing to learn from his parents.
Oh, how Nicole had the taste for speed! She would scream into the cold air,faster, Daddy!
When they were settled in the hotel room, John and I would sneak down to the pub and drink cold beer and listen to country music cover bands. It would remind us of our time together before the kids when we would ski hard all day, get drunk on beer, make love, and fall asleep. Spent and happy.
There was one day that could make us laugh even years later. A man had ridden up with us on the lift, bragging about his proficiency, his house on the mountain, his brilliant children. Then he’d fallen just sliding off the chair, poles, skis scattered around him; the lift stopped, people rushing to help him. Only his ego was hurt, and we laughed so hard it made us cry.
The thought of this takes my breath away. Makes me gag on the food in my mouth which provokes these precious, painful memories.
The mountain had a hut near the lodge that served grilled cheese and tomato soup. People would stand in line for half an hour, sometimes longer, even in the cold and the snow, and they would eat standing up, helmets on, gloves on sometimes. It was the kind of thing that when we met someone who skied there, it would come out simultaneously—grilled cheese and tomato soup!
We stopped skiing after Annie died. I don’t know why I think ofthat for the first time only now. We stopped skiing, and I stopped making grilled cheese and tomato soup.
“I told you,” Alice says precociously.
I swallow it down.
“It’s delicious,” I say as though I have never had it. As though I am just a silly little animal behind the bars. As though she is my master.
Hours pass. I play with Alice. We finish her schoolwork.
And finally it’s time. Alice brings me a bag of food and some plastic bowls and dishes.
Mick has bought a small roasted chicken. He has also bought a bag of frozen peas and carrots. I place the chicken in the largest dish. I sprinkle the carrots and peas around it and add some water.
“You can put this right in the microwave,” I say. “For three minutes. Do you know how it works?”
“Yes!” Alice says. “We got the microwave from the Gas n’ Go. They got a new one so they gave their old one to us. It has instructions on the front. You can microwave hot dogs at the Gas n’ Go.”
Now I pause.Information, I think.
“You’ve been inside the gas station? I thought it was dangerous for you to go outside?”
“I haven’t been inside it. But he told me about the hot dogs when he brought the microwave home. Cause I asked him why you needed a microwave to get gas.”
Slowly, I tell myself.Ease into it.
“Well, that’s very nice that they gave him their microwave.”
I take more things from the bag. The instant Jell-O is there and I let out a sigh of relief.
My words linger inside her. I haven’t asked a question so she isnot afraid to give an answer. She likes to tell me things when she feels like it. And tonight she does.
“Do you want to know a secret?” she says, in a whisper now.
