I frowned. Jobs really didn’t give a damn about their employees at all. Especially the good employees that worked their asses off to prove to the company that they were indeed a good asset.
“Oh, you on your sickness?” I reached over and gripped her lower stomach then rubbed it.
Jatavia blushed then placed her hand on top of mine. I didn’t want to comment much about her quitting her job. I was happy she pulled a bold move and did that shit before I asked her to quit it in the near future. Jatavia was too good for a call center that overworked and underpaid her anyway. The road that I was trying to get her on was dream land. Whatever she dreamed about and told me about in the past, I was ready to make it happen for her.
“You still call it that?” her voice broke through my thoughts.
“I do…” My words trailed off as I thought about my mom randomly.
She always called her time of the month a sickness when she got it. To be honest that shit sounded better than calling it a period.
“You know I got lots of gloves at my house. If the cramps get too bad, I can put on a plastic glove…strum that swollen clit and stroke your G-spot with the pad of my finger until you cum all over that glove. It’ll help with the cramps.” I licked my lips.
“I taught you that, I wonder if you’ve been using that technique on other bitches.” She said with attitude all in her tone.
“Hell nah, that shit would disgust me with them. It’s different with you. I know how you get when you cramping.” I tried to reassure her.
“How do I get, Dreu?”
“Horny and complicated as fuck. Attitude be on ten, but I’m gone still rock with your mean ass. If you decide to be with me like on a serious tip. First thing I’m going to recommend for you, Jatavia, is therapy.” I told her, not giving a damn how she would take it.
She stiffened before I removed my hand from her stomach to sped up and jumped in the carpool lane. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw her shift then curl her legs up in the seat. I grabbed my blunt and lighter from my cup holder then cracked both of our windows.
“I don’t need no therapy, Dreu.” She said so low, I hardly heard her protest.
“You do need it; you be hot and cold sometimes. It don’t make me love you no less. I just think you need a little guidance regulating your feelings. It wouldn’t be fair if it was the other way around. If I had some deep shit like battling with depression on and off…then it ends up falling all on you when I’m not in the mood. You got to tell yourself what it is, and what it’s not gonna be. I can add to your happiness and feeling secure, but I don’t control it.” I reached over and squeezed the top of her thigh.
“I know,” She started then looked out the window sadly. “I hate when I go into those dark moods…where everything doesn’t feel right. Some days I’m okay. I laugh, function, and show up for whatever I feel it’s worth. Then other days it’s like my brain turns against me. It alters how I think. How I see myself and interpret everything. I hate when I cry and don’t even know why I’m crying because I’m just so fucking sad.” She continued.
I glanced over and saw her fingers twist the sleeve of my hoodie. My grip on the steering wheel tightened as I gazed at theroad ahead of us. If I wasn’t navigating this truck, I’d pull her in my arms and hold her until she felt a hundred percent better.
“I hate questioning my worth Dreu. It makes me feel weak as hell. When I’m low, I feel like I’m too much and not enough at the same time. Like I’m falling behind in life even when I’m doing everything I can to stay above water.” Her voice cracked a little.
“Tavia—”
“I have deep feelings for you Dreu…those feelings and love… none of it never left me. It took all of my strength to cut you off cold turkey the way that I did…at the time I knew it was the right thing to do even though I didn’t want to do it…I still don’t regret doing it either,” she said lowly.
“You fine as hell, paid… You have this upbeat personality that’s addicting. It makes me want to be around you all the time and just live in your damn skin. The selfish side of me wants to say fuck all the red flags and just run off into the sunset with you despite my own issues that I’m battling with…then there’s the stubborn side of me that just don’t feel comfortable enough to trust you again. I don’t want to look like the desperate woman in this just because of who you are and what you bring to the table when I don’t bring anything right now. I don’t want to make you responsible for my happiness either. You shouldn’t have to suffer when I’m not all the way there. I go weeks with ignoring my own parents and favorite cousin. I get lazy and?—”
“That voice in your head…” I cut her rambling off and exhaled the smoke that I kept trapped in my lungs while she talked. “That shit ain’t you, Pancakes. That don’t be nothing but depression talking. It lies to you, ma.” I murmured.
“I know it does, but when it hits…it feels real.” She sniffed then backhanded her eyes.
“I don’t want you fighting it alone, all I’m suggesting is that you get some help. It’s nothing wrong with that. Since you notworking, I want you to try it out just to see how you like it. I’m going to support you a thousand percent, but you need a real therapist that’s trained to help you unpack that shit instead of just surviving it.”
“I don’t want you thinking that I’m broken.” She whispered the words out unsure.
“I don’t.” I uttered.
I could feel her eyes studying the side of my face to search for any doubt. I glanced over at her and winked.
“You be battling that shit alone, denying everybody that cares for you and want to help. I’m not trying to fix or control you. I just want you to have the proper tools and space. Sometimes it’s fine to not feel okay for everybody else. I relate to that shit for real. I got a whole entourage of people always in a nigga face…Some days I just be wanting to be away from all of them. My homie Iceman is the only one that understands that shit. But even now, our friendship might change a little since I’m not about to be on the same played shit with him.” I openly admitted.
I ran through enough hoes, now that Jatavia was back in my life. I’d never let her go, never got her off my mind and out of my system to begin with. Shit was smooth with her; I wanted her back then and wanted her now. She was the woman that I could be myself with, she understood me to the fullest. Companionship is what I cherished first with her. How we could have deep conversations, talk like long lost best friends without even casting judgement. Nobody compared to my Tavia… flaws and all.
“Hmm, you and Iceman still tight, I see.” She stated sarcastically.
“That’s my nigga and can’t no other nigga make a grown man do anything that he don’t want to do unless he a bitch ass followthe leader type of nigga. Iceman will understand. You my vibe, ma. I ain’t gone fuck shit up this time around.” I reassured her.
