“Good morning, Pancakes.” I smirked.
“Good morning, and thank you, Dreu.” She said in a small, wounded voice.
Saying nothing, I went to sit next to her. I made sure to leave enough space for her to breathe and just express herself. Before there was ever a relationship between us, we had a realfriendship where we could just really express and say what was on our minds with no judgement.
“You don’t got to thank me for anything, Tavia.” I turned my body slightly so I could look her in the eyes.
She stared down at her hands and pressed her thumbs into each other. Jatavia’s anxiety used to be noticeable when we first met, it was a part of who she was. I licked my thumb and pressed it to the side of her mouth like how my mom used to do me before going into school. Moms always complained about me not washing my face properly. I always managed to have crust in the corners of my eyes before getting out of the car.
My parents were all about first appearances. Even though I was in private school they stayed on top of me and my brother Bleu about everything. Bleu had it the hardest since he was the oldest. Still so much was placed upon us such as expectations at a very young age.
Jatavia blushed once I cleaned the side of her mouth with my thumb. Not able to resist being so close to her and the soft comforting smell that radiated off her body, I leaned close enough to place a kiss to the side of her mouth that I just wiped.
“Talk to me, Pancakes.” I said lowly.
“Me and Devin,” her eyes flicked away before flicking back up at me timidly. “We were going to end anyway. I felt it. He’s been dodging me since I saw you at the music fest. I thought he was mad that I just left without explanation. I planned on ending things between us.” She looked at the wall straight ahead.
Jatavia looked relieved and guilty at the same time.
“It started to feel like me and him were pretending like we could actually be happy with each other. I convinced myself that it was always because of my battle with up and down depression or me over thinking and expecting too much when I knew the kind of man he was before even making things official. I guess Iput off saying what all needed to be said to Devin just thinking it was me and my unbalanced mood swings.” She stated sadly.
Her voice wavered, the confession hung heavily in the room. I could see the weight of everything she’d carried, the way she tried to process her emotions without letting them drown her out. I remember offering to pay for a therapist to help get her mind right with balancing her mood swings, but she never went years ago.
“When it started to feel that way…why didn’t you just express yourself to him? You never had a problem being upfront with me and kicking shit off real…When you started to feel like you couldn’t be yourself the first time with that nigga…it should have told you something. We don’t get time back, Tavia…we lose it. No point in forcing yourself to stay in some shit that don’t feel right. Doesn’t matter if you blame yourself for your mood swings or not.” I looked her in the eyes as I spoke.
“With you, I felt comfortable. I started to feel comfortable with Devin too but not on our level of comfort. I’m not going to sit in front of you and tell you that he had all bad qualities to him because that isn’t true. Devin was fun, caring…he had a lot of immature ways as well. We just weren’t on the same page.” She confessed.
“So what was it with us?” I asked.
“Dreu…” She closed her eyes for a couple of seconds then inhaled deeply.
Before she even spoke, I could already feel the heaviness of her words. I waited patiently because I only had a small clue of what was going to spill from her lips. A familiar ache in the center of my chest formed as I watched her lick those thick juicy lips that I missed kissing on.
“I fell head over hills in love with you… I fell so fast that it felt like torture to myself when I realized that I had. I forced myself to put that shit in check because I knew from jumpthe type of man you were. Besides your good ass looks, dick, and personality… you didn’t know what you wanted besides our chemistry. I also knew the way I felt for you was not reciprocated because I would have never saw that text to another woman while you were inside of my house that night.” She opened her eyes slowly.
I saw the pain and resentment glossed over in her eyes.
“It hurt me so bad, I wanted to crash out. I adored the hell out of you Dreu…it was probably in an unhealthy way. You came around, and it felt too good to be true. I grew up being bullied for my shape and size…in school I crushed on boys like you…they were always the ones I told myself I would probably never get because they wanted the prettier girls with nice shapes. Then…” a lone tear fell from her eye as her words trailed off.
My chest tightened as I reached out and grabbed her hand. I never went through what Jatavia did with doubting my looks, but I did go through other things that often had me feeling lower than low. Just like there was no level of certain sins committed…there was no certain level of silent battles that held you as a prisoner.
“The night you got my number…It was a bad day for me. Your face brightened my night…it was the fact that you were behind those tinted windows at night spotting me at a damn bus stop, you still saw me. You pulled over and kicked the lamest game to get my number…” She laughed and so did I.
“It made me feel good…then we started to talk every day. You were different, Dreu. At first it felt like I was living through a damn dream. Growing up boys only wanted me for the wrong reasons. Sure, me and you had lots of sex, but you also spent a lot of time with me. It went beyond sex, just you being a good listener…not being ashamed to be seen out with me. It made me feel special the way you openly showed just how attracted you was to me. Through all of that, in the back of my mind, I kepttelling myself that you were liable to hurt me. I always had those negative thoughts like…he’s too damn fine…I bet he got a million other females feeling this way… And that turned out to be true…” She rolled her eyes.
“It did turn out to be true. I can’t deny that at all, Jatavia.” I huffed out.
“I can’t take that back and won’t try to candy coat it because I was simply on bullshit. I was feeling the hell out of you back then, you had me scared because I couldn’t pinpoint my own feelings. That’s no excuse though.” I squeezed her hand.
“So why are you here, Dreu…Besides all of the gifts and you paying my bills. What is it that you really want from me?” She asked.
To get you back as my damn woman!
I wanted to say those words aloud but knew with Jatavia, it wouldn’t move her. It was all about showing and proving in her world.
“I—”
My loud ass phone cut me off.
