I’m almost grateful for the emptiness. Grateful Arina isn’t home to see me like this—grateful nobody’s here to see me fall apart. Because come morning, I’ll have to tape myself back together, and pretend I’m not dying inside.
Chapter Fifteen
Defeated
M
y face feels stiff, swollen from the hours I spent falling apart last night. I drag myself up and face my mirror, barely recognizing what’s looking back. Eyes swollen to slits, lids red and puffy, lashes clumped together.
I stare at the broken version of myself, hoping if I look hard enough, I’ll see the girl I used to be hiding somewhere in the cracks. Instead the thoughts keep stacking, one on top of the next, until my skull feels like it’s going to split from the pressure.
Almost everyone I ever loved has hurt me. My mom, who can’t love me the way I need her to, instead of treating me like a mistake. The bitches who once called me their friend but dropped me the secondsomeone more available showed up. And now Jacob—the first boy to ever truly have my heart—is slipping right through my fingers, fucking my so-called friend while I fall apart.
Even my job. The one thing I couldn’t stand but clung to like it meant something. Three years, and it ended over bull shit.
Another loss. Another reminder that nothing I touch ever sticks.
And the truth I can’t stand creeps in. Maybe Tracey was right.
Maybe I’ll never be enough—not for her, for them, not even for the boy who swore I was his everything.
My red eyes sting, threatening more tears, but I’m wrung dry. There’s nothing left to cry out. So, I turn away and make my bed tight, neat, like straight sheets and tucked corners will somehow fix my mental state. Because the truth is ugly and simple. No matter how much love I give, no matter how much I try—the ending’s always the same.
They hurt me then leave. They make it clear that my everything is nothing to them.
The scary part is thinking that maybe this is just who I am—someone who’s never going to be enough, no matter where I go or who I love.
But I can’t let myself keep falling apart. If I do, I’ll drown in it.
So, I build myself a routine. I shower every day, whether I feel like it or not, letting the water peel a little of the heaviness off me. Then I get dressed. Some days it’s the bare minimum, other days I try a little harder. Anything to remind me there’s still a pulse in me, even if it feels faint.
My phone might as well be on do not disturb with how dry we’ve gotten. Jacob’s effort is nonexistent—a dry “good morning” here, a lazy “how was work?” there. Nothing real.
Nothing that feels like he even cares.
I can’t yet bear to spill myself open to someone who’s already slammed the door shut. Some pathetic part of me wants him to notice, to fight for me. But the louder part already knows he won’t. He’s already found someone better… or at least someone who costs him less effort than I do.
? ? ?
By the next week, I can’t sit on this shit alone anymore. I’m tired of moping around and trying to pretend the everything’s fine. Arina reads me like a damn book, and she’s been patient with me—too patient. I can tell she notices something’s wrong, but she hasn’t pushed, and I’m grateful for that.
But now I can see it in her face… she’s starting to get worried. Hell, she knows me better than I know myself some days—I can’t hide this broken heart from her even if I wanted too.
I’m in the kitchen, cleaning like a maniac when she comes up behind me. “So… how long you gonna keep moping and cleaning shit that’s already clean before you tell me what’s wrong?”
Taking a deep breath, I turn around, leaning my forehead on the counter like I’m steadying myself. “Girl,” I say flat, “remember when Jacob was here the last week? Well, I looked through his phone while he was in the shower, and saw that he’s been fucking with Rebecca.”
She freezes for a split second—then explodes. “Bitch, no way… you’re lying! Jacob?Jacob?Girl, stop. There’s noway that boy is that stupid. Tell me you’re joking, because if not, I swear to God—”
“I wish I was joking.” I cut her off and spill everything—the texts, the mini-skirt bullshit, him sneaking around. “I was pissed. Hell, I’m still pissed. But I’m also… hurt you know.”
She pulls me into her arms, hugging me like she’s trying to hold me together. “I know Jaine, I know how much loved him. He made you think he was the one. I watched you build your whole heart around him.”
I bury my face in her shoulder, my voice breaking. “I just feel so stupid, Arina.”
She pulls back, blue eyes hard with the kind of anger I want to bottle up and sprinkle on his life. “Don’t you dare feel stupid. If anyone’s stupid, it’s him. Rebecca ain’t got shit on you. That bitch is a snack, while you’re the whole damn meal. He lost the entrée. And trust me—he’s gonna starve before he finds someone else like you.”
A messy, watery laugh slips out—because a laugh hurts less than another breakdown. “Yeah… you’re right,” I mutter.
