There's a big stigma around men and therapy, especially in a small town like Lonestar Junction that lacks the proper resources for individuals who go through traumatic situations and need grief or other mental health counseling.
A few months after Teagan left, I finally took the plunge and went to San Angelo to see a therapist to process everything that happened between Mercedes and me. The unplanned pregnancy, the weight of the responsibilities that fell onto our shoulders as I tried to navigate becoming a father, and a boyfriend, in circumstances I might not have chosen for myself, and the pressure to take care of the two girls in my life culminating in Mercedes death and eventually finding out that she’d been unfaithful. Therapy had helped me identify and work through the intense emotions I’d experienced and as a result, I grew closer to Willow, developing an incredibly special bond with my seven-year-old daughter and rediscovering parts of myself that I’d lost in the process.
I wasn’t sure if I’d ever be able to completely forget the hollow look in Mercedes’s eyes the morning that she asked me to stay while I left for work at Ashwood, but two years ago I’d had a breakthrough and finally forgiven myself for what I couldn't change and forgave her for the decisions that she’d made while pregnant with Willow. There was no way I could have known what was hidden behind her statement, and postpartum depression is a serious thing that there isn’t enough support or research around for women. I could have never imagined that day, or our lives, diverging the way that they had.
“So, tell me, what have you been up to for the past five yearsliving in Houston? How was veterinarian school?”
Teagan's smile transports me back to the young woman in her early twenties, brimming with joy as she recounts her experiences working with the different animals that she encountered while she was studying. She shares stories of the internships she took during her time in school and the fascinating creatures she cared for at the clinic where she worked in Houston for a year after graduating.
"It was a lot of fun working with exotic animals, but I'm enjoying the challenge of not knowing what's going to walk through the door now that I'm working with Louis. That, and I feel like there’s a real chance he might sell me the place. Owning my own clinic would be a dream come true." She smiles as she sips her wine again, “I think little Teagan would be very proud of me.”
I nod. “I bet she would be. You grew up on a dairy farm where you first gained a love for animals, and now you’re soon to be the owner of your own clinic. It’s an incredible feat for a woman so young but I can’t say that I’m surprised.”
She blushes at my open admiration, and I like the way her cheeks pink up.
“What’s the craziest animal you’d like to see someday?” I ask, taking a sip of my wine.
She thinks, tapping her finger gently to her chin in an adorable manner and all I can think about is taking that lip into my teeth and biting down.Hard.
Being around her makes me feel like a teenager again. I'm so damn horny and can't think straight. Knowing how good it feels to be inside of her is only making things worse for me because I know I need to take things slow if I don’t want to scare her away. Show her all the ways that I’ve changed and matured and why reigniting this makes sense.
“During veterinarian school, I did an internship in Brazil and learned about the penis snake that was found there.”
I choke on my wine and pound my chest trying to clear it as she lets out a soft laugh.
“I’m sorry, a what kind of snake?”
“Atretochoana Eiselti. They were originally known by just two specimens that were found in the 1800s and rediscovered recently in 2011. They are the largest tetrapod to lack lungs and quite literally, look just like a penis.” She says it so matter-of-factly that I can tell she isn’t joking but all I can think about now is my own penis. Clearly, I have a one-track mind tonight.
“I’m going to need to see a picture of one of these.”
She laughs, grabs her phone and types in something then flips it around to show me. There on the screen is what can only be described as a massive, very wrinkly penis. The ‘animal’is squishy and long resembling a snake with a head that matches the crown of one too.
“I feel weird looking at this. I feel like I’m invading its privacy,” I say, as I push the phone back towards her and she laughs again.
“It is kind of bizarre. The biggest penis I've seen in a long time,” she jokes and then blushes as she shakes her head.
How long exactly?
Say... five years?
Chapter 22 – Wilder
“So, tell me more about what you’ve been up to in the past five years? You moved into your parent’s home, took over the majority of the ranch work and are now… cooking?” Teagan asks with a smile as she continues to eat the pasta I made. I’m glad she likes it. It’s one of Willow’s favorites that I make almost weekly for her.
“I’ve been working on becoming the best version of myself for Willow. Shortly after you left, I started seeing a therapist in San Angelo who’s focused on grief counseling. It’s been… eye opening.”
She swallows and nods, studying me carefully. “And has that helped?”
“More than I ever anticipated. It allowed me to let go of a lot of the hurt and pain I associated with what happened between Mercedes and I, and to forgive myself for her death. I think it’s made me a better father too. For the first two years of Willow’s life, it felt like I was just hanging on. Barely surviving while I tried to navigate being a single father, finding my footing on the ranch and living in my early twenties. It felt like everyone around me was moving forward, dating, getting engaged, starting families of their own in healthy ways yet I was fumblingin the dark with no light. Living in my parent’s pool house while my daughter slept in the house next door, I could hardly meet her gaze because I felt like a failure. I’m so grateful for the support I had from my parents during that time, but I knew something needed to change after you left. I needed to become the kind of man that she’d look up to someday. The kind of man that she’d want to marry, and I felt like I was failing her and everyone around me by not getting help.”
She nods and sets down her fork. “You had a lot thrust on to you at one time. You were doing the best you could but getting help is never a bad idea.”
I nod. “I know that now, but therapy helped me process all those feelings of inadequacy and regret while also coming up with a focused plan to work toward being a better man. It’s been… a journey.”
She smiles genuinely at me, and it feels good to open up to her like this. When we’d been together for that brief weekend, I’d let her do most of the talking and kept the parts of me that I was ashamed of tucked neatly away. Admitting them out loud now is cathartic.
“I can tell. You seem… lighter. Different.”
