“Are you okay, Adrian?” she asked and her voice was so sincere I had no choice but to meet her gaze, only to find it boring into mine. “We haven’t heard from you since…”
She trailed off. I stiffened.
“I’ve been busy,” I told her, tone more curt than I intended.
She turned, eyes straying to where Tiberius stood in the back of the room, nodding along to something one of the welders was saying as they stared up at a monstrous metal contraption I couldn’t even begin to identify.
“I suppose,” she replied slowly. “But it’s not all about work down here, you know. Even supervisors get time off. You should come out with us, get a drink. I know Darius misses you.”
My jaw tightened.
“Darius has a whole new life here,” I said, my voice strained. “I wouldn’t want to get in the way of—”
“I’m inviting you, Adrian,” she told me, reaching out and grabbing my hand. I stared down at the contact, surprised by it. “Because I know he won’t. He says you need space. Look, I know he knows you better. But I think you need to see you’re not alone down here.”
I blinked at her for a moment before pulling out of her grasp. It was kind, what she was trying to do, and undoubtedly more for Darius’ benefit than my own. So, for Darius, I forced a smile. Even though I didn’t mean it. Even though I knew she was wrong. Iamalone down here.
“I joined for him,” I said then, my voice barely above a whisper but somehow, even with how loud the welding level was around us, Roxy heard me.
Her smile faltered as she leaned back and watched me carefully.
“What do you mean?” she asked, warily.
I closed my eyes and took a breath. I wasn’t sure why I was telling her this. I didn’t know her, didn’twantto know her, but I needed to say it to someone, anyone. Even if they wouldn’t understand. Even if they would think less of me because of it. Because it was eating me alive.
“He made me promise, before everything, that we would join the Trials together,” I told her. “When he got Culled, I joined anyway. I thought it was a way to honor his memory.”
I let out a bitter laugh, but she didn’t say anything, just waited for me to continue.
“I didn’t mean to succeed,” I told her. “I didn’t want to be a Champion. I didn’t want to make it through Trial after Trial. I never even wanted to compete at all. But I did, for him. And now, I’m here anyway and it feels like it was all for nothing. All that pain, all thattime,was for nothing. He still got Culled and, in the end, I guess I did too. So what was the point? What’s the point of any of this?”
I expected Roxy to say what Tiberius had when I’d asked him the same question. I expected her to repeat the mantra of the Underground, the unspoken mission statement which they all seemed to live their lives according to, whether they realized itor not:we keep them alive.But she didn't. Instead, she frowned, eyebrows knitting together in thought.
“I wonder that too, sometimes,” she admitted, whispering as well. She leaned in close so I could hear her over the clatter of work around us. “Why we do it. Why we keep them alive just to kill and oppress each other, just to run through that cruel gauntlet for some of them to join us here anyway.”
“Then why do you keep working?”
She hesitated, glancing around us as if to ensure we weren't overheard. Then she smiled again but it was sad this time and didn't meet her eyes.
“What else would we do?” she asked quietly and the truth of the statement hit home.
I exhaled, letting my shoulders drop as I turned and looked around at all of the other workers, welding bits and pieces of the life I'd lived up above. What else, indeed. I turned back to Roxy, reaching out and squeezing her arm as she'd done for me.
“Thank you, Roxy,” I told her and I meant it. “I’ll, um, come by tonight. If that’s okay.”
“Of course,” she replied with a grin. Her melancholy disappeared in an instant. She was practically beaming as she bounced on her toes with a nod. “Anytime, Adrian. Truly.”
I forced another smile, for her benefit this time, and turned away from her as she reached for her mask and gloves to return to work.
Tiberius waited for me at the end of the row. I fell in beside him and we made our way further into the level with nothing but the roar of the machinery around us for company.
“Friend of yours?” he asked once we were out of sight of the welding benches.
“Maybe,” I replied. "Not sure yet."
My honesty seemed to surprise him even more than it surprised me.
But then we turned another corner where other welders were working on more malleable metals and Tiberius fell back into his pattern of explanations as we walked along the rows, meeting the workers and discussing their various projects.
