Chapter Eleven
Alaric
The last thing I needed was Natalia Karkarov fucking up my life, fucking with my head, causing me to make terrible decisions. One after another. But there she was, with something overpowering about her. Making me use nicknames, making me want her, making meafraid of losing her.
She did what I said: she put the robe on and walked straight up to the kitchen. Finally, she was doing one damn thing I told her to. I watched her from my workroom, where the whole house could be viewed by hundreds of cameras. And as I sat there, my heart still beating wildly, almost out of breath—I realized what the problem was.
I didn’t get out of breath. My pulse didn’t go above eighty unless I’ve been running for miles. I do a hundred push-ups before I take a piss in the morning. But Natalia Karkarov was going to make me have a heart attack, and all she was doing was eating breakfast.
The idea, right from the start, had been to comply with my code of honor. But to tell the truth, back when Natalia was just an abstraction, I didn’t really give a shit what happened to her one way or the other. I didn’t care that she was working at Kitty Bang Bang, I didn’t care that she was using drugs, I didn’t care if she was blowing every Russian mobster this side of the Mississippi, and I didn’t really care if she fell off a cliff—as long as I had done my duty to keep her out of their crosshairs, then everything was fine by me.
That’s the way I wanted my life. That’s how I survived. Fear is a game you can win within yourself, but you’re fucked if there is anything—oranyone—outside yourself that you’re afraid of losing.
I’ve never had anything I was afraid of losing. Anything you can buy you can replace, and so the trick is to buy everything. Buy your women, buy your friends. Trust no one and nothing and above all, don’t give a shit about any of it.
But this long-limbed beauty, sitting casually on a stool in the kitchen, eating the breakfast I’d made her with a forced politeness in spite of being alone and also being starving—this girl made my chest ache. People usually describe fear as icy and cold, but those are people who feel it all the time. To me, it felt like my blood had begun to boil.
Why Natalia Karkarov would have this effect on me, I had no idea. I closed my eyes.
The best course of action would be to take her somewhere, give her money, threaten her profusely, and walk away from all of this. I could put someone like Nick on duty watching her and write all of this off as having done my very best. It was enough to comply with my promise.
But thinking of leaving her out there somewhere in the world, where she could be found, activated a switch I hadn’t known existed inside me. I wanted her where I could see her and protect her. I didn’t want her stripping at Kitty Bang Bang, I didn’t want her being touched by anyone but me.
And the thought of one of the shady figures out there in Kyril’s old playing field laying a finger on her, hurting her... killing her was unbearable. I recoiled from the thought like it was a red-hot coal.
I could sit there, trying to talk myself out of it. I could tell myself over and over what the right thing to do was. I had always imagined myself falling for some pussy—it happened to everyone—but when I did, I was convinced I would be able to talk myself out of it.
The memory of the silky heat of her body around me, beneath me, squeezing me, wet and velvet and tight, was as fresh as though I were still inside of her. I wanted more. I wanted to make her submit, I wanted her to give herself to me—but now I wanted more than that as well. I wanted to keep her and protect her, and the fire inside of me was hotter than any feeling I had ever felt—and the only feeling I’d felt for a long time.
I’d lost control with Natalia. The feeling settled in around me, closing in like a vise. What if she’d gotten pregnant? Then what?
I never lost control, so I never had this problem. I’d never even given it any thought. Then what?
I peeled my eyes away from her and shifted to the other screens.
Within minutes, I had enacted another plan entirely. Because I needed more time with Natalia, more time than what I had needed before. I didn’t want to scare her; I didn’t want to wash my hands of her. And if anything had happened, if she was pregnant with my blood...
I put the thought out of my mind.
Whether she was or she wasn’t, I was already in deep.
I wanted her to myself.
And if I wanted that, I would have to keep Natalia a very deep, hidden secret. For her sake, more than anything. In fact, it was best for her if Natalia didn’t know that she was the one thing I was afraid to lose.
