I’d gone too far today, I knew it, yet I couldn’t stop torturing myself by replaying the scene with Panther over and over again. Lashing out at him hadn’t relieved any of the pent-up frustration that had been building since I’d run into his father. In fact, I regretted every word that had come out of my mouth. But in the hours I’d spent sitting on the beach, I’d convinced myself that this was a good thing, that pushing Panther away was the right thing to do, because wasn’t that what his father had said?I expect you’ll do the right thing.
Obviously, in his book, the right thing was to leave his son the hell alone. There. Done. I’d managed to do that with a few angry words, because there was no way Panther would look at me the same way now. And really, did I want him to? I’d spent most of my adult life avoiding anyone who wanted to get too close, and it had worked out for me just fine up until now. If I never spent another day with Panther, I’d be fine.
Fuck.If that was true, then why did it feel like someone was ripping my heart out of my chest with their bare hands? I hadn’t felt this way since…well, since I got the news about my brother, and that was years ago. I hadn’t cared about anyone but myself in so long that the feeling of loss that came with dismissing Panther came as a shock, but what else was I supposed to do? We were two men on similar but different journeys, and I didn’t have the first clue how to navigate something like that. How was it even possible? If we were sent six thousand miles away from each other for months and months…well, what then?
So, yeah, better to cut our losses now, because the inevitable heartbreak would be much worse if I allowed this shit to carry on.
I ran my hands through the sand, grabbing a fistful and letting the grains fall through my fingers. It was exactly how my relationship with Panther felt: time sifting through my fingers, running out faster than I thought possible, and all the while the walls were closing in, suffocating me under the pressure.
Damn it.This was why I didn’t do relationships. Why I kept a wall between me and anyone else. This empty, hollow feeling that swallowed you up like a black hole. I felt lost, alone, and there was only one reason for that. I’d gotten used to having someone around. No, not just someone—Grant.
Somewhere between that first night in the bar and now, that sexy, straight-arrow flyboy had broken through all my usual defenses. He’d looked past my reputation, loud mouth, and bravado and seen the real me.
I couldn’t remember the last time someone had cared enough to dig that deep. We’d each entered this relationship knowing there was an end date, but instead of talking about it, what did I do? I ran at the first sign of trouble because his father had, what? Told me I wasn’t good enough for Panther?
Since when did I give a shit about what others thought of me? It wasn’t like I didn’t already know Captain Hughes would want anyone other thanmeto be in love with his son, but that was too damn bad.
Wait—in love with his son?
Yes, holy shit… I’m in love with Panther.
As that realization slammed into me, so did the fact that I was a total fucking idiot. Over the last couple of days, Panther had done everything in his power to get me to open up. He’d backed off, given me space, and still that hadn’t been enough for me to get out of my head.
No, I’d shoved him all the way out of my life.
Sure, why not end this now before things got too hard? Use his father’s doubts and disapproval to cover up the real reason I was trying to run. Graduation. I didn’t want to face what was coming. I didn’t want to listen to the man I was in love with—and yes, Iwasin love with him—tell me he was choosing to take a job a million miles away from me.
I wanted…what? Panther to give up his dreams? Fuck no. But I sure as hell wanted to be part of them, and that meant I needed to pull my head out of my ass and talk to him. I needed to tell him how I was feeling.
I dusted off my hands and reached into my pocket for my phone. Nothing like a little self-sabotage to make you reflect on the amazing thing you just fucked up. And I had royally fucked this up.
I shot off a text.I’m sorry about earlier. Can we talk?
The blood ringing in my ears was loud enough to block out the crashing waves as I stared at the screen, waiting for some kind of response. When nothing came, I cursed and tried a different angle.I was a total dick. I know. Maybe I could stop by in an hour and you could kick my ass? You don’t even have to be gentle.
When the response was yet another empty screen, my stomach began to twist around on itself, and I told myself to give it a minute. But after five had passed, I knew nothing was coming. Panther was clearly pissed, so instead of trying another text, I took a deep breath and hit his number. When his phone went straight to voicemail, I cursed.
Yeah, this wasn’t good. Panther had turned his phone off. If that didn’t scream,I don’t want to fucking talk to you,then I didn’t know what did. But that wasn’t going to stop me. I needed to see him. Ineededto talk to him. I needed to explain why I’d been such a fucking douche these last couple of days, and if he wasn’t going to take my call, then I would go bang on his door until he answered.
I shoved to my feet, brushed the sand off my ass, and hightailed it back to my bike. My heart was hammering and my palms were sweaty, Panther’s silence more effective than words in letting me know just how upset he was.
I jammed my helmet on my head a little harder than necessary, trying to knock some fucking sense into myself. Then I started up the bike and pulled out onto the main road. As I gunned the engine and roared down the street, I thought over what I would say to Panther when I finally reached the barracks.
I mean, what could I say? A whole lot ofI’m sorryto start with. I had a feeling I’d be apologizing for this for a long time to come. But I also needed to tell him about his father, about what had started all of this, and I wasn’t sure how that part would go over.
Would Panther agree with him? I was afraid to know the answer.
As I pulled onto base, I tried to shove aside the nerves that had grown progressively worse on the drive back, telling myself to man the hell up. Panther was a reasonable guy. Surely he’d had moments where he’d let things boil over and get the better of him. In fact, I remembered a time he’d almost knocked my teeth out after I’d taunted him about wanting me.
Granted, things had been wildly different back then, but the same principles applied…right? Yeah, no. Things werevastlydifferent this time around.
I should’ve trusted him, talked to him about what his father had said, and then maybe I wouldn’t have panicked about everything else. But instead, I’d let everyoneotherthan Panther get in my head, and I’d pushed away the one I trusted the most.
Pulling into my parking space, I looked over at his shut door and wondered how exactly this was going to end.
End…I didn’t like that word, and just thinking about it made my gut clench all over again. I pulled off my helmet and took in several deep breaths. When I felt I could stand without falling on my ass, I climbed off my bike and headed toward Panther’s room.
Just knock on his door and tell him you’re sorry.It seemed so easy when I thought about it like that. But when I reached his door, I found myself frozen, confused, disoriented, and wondering how the hell I’d ended up standing on this side of the door.
