12Solo
THE SOUND OF Panther’s rapid breathing woke me up.
I turned onto my side toward the bed and looked up to see Panther tossing and turning, a sheen of sweat covering his body. A low moan left him, but before I could even debate whether to wake him from what seemed to be a nightmare, he gasped and shot straight up, his eyes opening wide.
“Hey.” I kicked off my sheet and moved up on my knees. “Some dream, huh? You okay?”
Panther nodded as he tried to get his breathing under control. I waited as he took his time, resting his head in his hands, and when he seemed steady again, he said, “This is starting to piss me off.”
“Two nightmares and a panic attack in twenty-four hours. That would piss me off too.”
“How do I make it stop?”
For once, I didn’t have an answer, which would no doubt shock him. “Lobotomy?”
He looked at me from under his hands. “Really?”
“I mean, that would do it.”
“Any other genius ideas?”
“Yeah. Move over.”
“What?”
I stood up and gestured for him to scoot. “Lie down.”
“Sex isn’t the answer, Solo.”
Rolling my eyes, I sighed. “You want to make it stop or don’t you?”
Panther eyed me and then slowly moved to the other side of the bed. I got in beside him, moving to my side and waiting for him to do the same. I pulled the sheet up over us, getting nice and comfy—which wasn’t hard now that I wasn’t sleeping on the floor—and debated where to start.
“I told you earlier that to get past all the crazy shit you’ve been through, you just have to push harder and keep going. And that’s true, but…” My brother’s face popped into my mind, clear as day. I would’ve given anything to have him back. Anything. Swallowing, I shifted onto my elbow with my head in my hand. “It’s been four years since I lost my brother, and I’d be lying if I said I’m okay.”
Alarm flitted through Panther’s eyes, but I waved him off.
“I don’t say that so you feel sorry for me. Please don’t. I say it because I don’t know if you ever get over whatever traumatic stuff you go through. You came out of this alive, but it doesn’t mean your head’s in the right place, and I get that. Seeing you eject brought back all those emotions from when my brother died, and I wasn’t expecting that. I thought I’d bottled that shit up, you know?”
“That’s how he died, isn’t it? An ejecting malfunction?”
I nodded. “The canopy didn’t open in time. His head went straight through it. Died on impact.”
“Jesus. You didn’t see it, did you?”
“No, we were on opposite sides of the world. But I was there when they brought his casket home, and I think I was in denial until then. Like he wasn’t really dead until I saw it with my own eyes, and…fuck. I lost it.”
“Lost it?” Panther’s voice was soft in the room, as though he didn’t want to disrupt my train of thought.
“Yeah. I went from the straight-as-an-arrow little aviator to—”
“A reckless pain in the ass?”
I shrugged, knowing that was exactly what most thought of me. “I guess so. What was the point of toeing the line and playing it safe anymore? Parents had died, brother had died too—who was left to care?”
Panther rolled to his side, his eyes roving over my face as he tucked his pillow under his head. “Do you still feel that way now?”
“Reckless?”
