She jotted something down with her stylus. “You’ll go out of your way to ensure you don’t upset a stranger or someone with a higher social stature or more power than you. Basically,if you know nothing about someone, you bestow them with respect.”
“Isn’t that normal?”
“If you know more about someone,” she ignored him, “you act as though they’re up on a pedestal and it’s your job to ensure they’re happy at that height.”
Nate frowned. He didn’t like bothering anyone, that was true, but calling him a people pleasure…He didn’t feel like that was an accurate description of who he was, and yet…Wasn’t the whole reason he was here because he couldn’t deal with his shit on his own?
“Do you know what fawning is, Nate?” Dr. Vera asked then, continuing when he silently shook his head. “It’s typically thought of as a trauma response. An individual perceives danger, and tries to abate that danger by appeasing the source of that perceived threat. According to these results, this is something you do often. Your default, response, so to speak.”
“I don’t have any trauma.” Wouldn’t he know if he did?
“No? Your parents died when you were young and you came to this planet on your own, with only a sister, younger than you, whom you then needed to raise.”
“My brother did his best.”
“I’m not attacking your brother, Nate. I’m sure he did. He was also a kid when this tragedy happened to you three. What I am saying is your fear of placing more burden on your brother, and those around you who were there to help, was internalized and has negatively impacted the way you view and handle people you interact with. I know trauma sounds like a very serious word, and it is. But it doesn’t only apply to the worst things you can think of. You don’t have to have witnessed a murder to be traumatized by something.”
Did it really matter that he liked helping people so much? What was the big deal? Who cared if he went out of his way to ensure everyone else was as happy as they could be?
“I see you’re struggling with this.” She nodded like that was to be expected.
“It’s just…I don’t want to burden anyone with my mistakes, yes,” he said. “But I’m notafraidof them, like, hurting me or anything.”
“In certain situations, you might be,” she disagreed. “Take your boss, for example. You couldn’t tell him to stop mistreating you out of fear she would fire you for it. It might not be physical harm, but it’s harm nonetheless. Think back. Has anyone ever threatened you physically? What was your instinctual response to that?”
“No,” he immediately replied. “No, no one ever has. People typically like me.” There was Silver a time or two, but that didn’t really count. And then—
Kazimir.
“Actually, there was one occasion,” he admitted. “Someone was angry that I’d messed up and demanded I pay them for my mistake.”
“How did you react?”
“I was quiet at first, but then they kept pushing. Eventually, I told them off. It wasn’t fully my fault, that’s why. If it had been, I would have taken responsibility.”
“You don’t need to convince me of that, Nate. I won’t judge you for it.”
“Isn’t that your job?”
“No,” she said. “I’m here to help you understand how your mind functions and potentially figure out why. There’s no judgment in that, not from me. This is a safe space. Back to this situation, though. What made you able to talk back to this person specifically? Were they not a stranger?”
“We didn’t know each other beforehand, but I was aware of him.” It was impossible to live on Vitality and not be aware of the Devils who ran the place.
“Aware enough to form an opinion of his character?”
“He sucks.”
She chortled but caught herself and cleared her throat. “Ah. Well. There we have it. You were able to stand up for yourself because he wasn’t on a pedestal in your mind. You didn’t care about disappointing him and he posed no real threat to you.”
“Oh,” he interrupted. “He threatened me later.”
She paused. “Is that so? And, how did you react that time?”
Nate dropped his gaze to his folded hands.
“I see.” She jotted down more notes.
“I was drunk at the time,” Nate said, but he wasn’t convincing even to himself. He’d tried not to think of it, but now that he was forced to…There was a good chance he would have given into Kazimir in the bar bathroom even if he hadn’t been wasted. Kaz had been too forceful, too persistent. The obvious threat of pain had been there, and he’d made it even more clear when he’d taken the time to open Nate up before giving him his cock.
