My head falls back with a thump against the headboard and I sigh. “It’s an anxiety thing. This thing with Patrick is stressing me out. I don’t like what he's doing to our relationship.” The admission slips out accidentally, but I keep going. “It’s like he’s putting an unnecessary strain on our friendship,” I continue, purposely changing the word and hoping Jamie won’t notice. “I can’t help but worry. You’ve been…different. I feel like you’re keeping something from me.”
Though it’s true that Jamie’s domineering and aggressive nature has been shocking, I have to admit to myself that it’s also been intriguing. Something has changed between us, and the only factor I keep coming back to is Patrick, yet I haven’t quite put my finger on it.
Jamie’s expression changes to something like guilt. He pulls back and clears his throat. “Raegan, listen,” he begins, but Cleetus startles us both by jumping up onto the bed between us. He must have heard us talking and come to investigate.
“Hi, baby boy,” I mew, scratching his cheeks and under his chin. He purrs happily and rubs his face against mine.
Jamie stands up, and Cleetus turns to face him like a guard dog. Jamie holds his hands up in surrender. “I’m just going to get your mother some fresh water. At ease, soldier.” He takes my still full water bottle and leaves my room. He’s probably going to dump more ice cubes in it. He knows I like my water to be cold.
Cleetus turns back to face me and I give him a reassuring kiss on the forehead. “I’m okay, honey. I promise.” He seems to accept this because he leaps from the bed over to my bookshelf and lounges along the top shelf to casually keep an eye on things.
Jamie comes back a minute later with a clinking water bottle and a pre-packaged peanut butter and jelly sandwich from the fridge. I take the snack and unwrap it.
Instead of sitting on the edge like he did before, he plops down beside me on the other side of the bed. He toes off his boots and tucks his socked-feet under my weighted blanket then pulls another sandwich out of the front pocket of his hoodie.
“I forgot how heavy this thing is,” he says, referencing the blanket. “How do you not feel like you’re suffocating under there?”
It’s hard to explain to other people how much being bundled up like a burrito makes me happy, but Jamie knows me well enough that I at least don’t have to start from scratch. “It’s comforting. Like I’m being held.”
A look of understanding washes over his face and I know he gets it. That’s the thing about Jamie. Even when there are new things he doesn’t know about me, once he discovers them, they just click into place.
He never asks why. Only, what can I do?
Then his face falls. He hangs his head but I can see the grimace that takes shape. “I made you feel this way, didn’t I?” he asks.
“How you acted didn’t scare me,” I promise, just as I did this morning at his kitchen island. That conversation feels like it happened days ago. “I just feel like you’re keeping something from me. I don’t want us to have secrets between us.”
He stares at me in anguish, and I just know he has something he wants to say, but he doesn’t. Instead, he kisses me lightly on the forehead.
“Nothing has changed, Rae. I swear it. It’s you and me. You’re still my best friend.”
I desperately want his words to reassure me, but I can’t ignore his dismissal of my concern. Something bigger is going on here, and I need to know what it is.
Being his friend means the world to me, and it used to be all I needed, but because of everything that’s happened, I’m wondering for the first time what it would feel like to have more.
Chapter Ten
JAMIE
Iend up staying the night with Raegan. I hate seeing her like this. I’ve seen her anxiety get the best of her sometimes, but it’s never been so bad that she purposely locked herself in her room and avoided my calls. I wish I could pick her up and put her in my pocket. If I could, I’d carry her with me everywhere, and there would never be a moment she didn’t feel safe and secure.
This situation with Patrick has fucked her up more than I realized. Knowing he not only caused her physical harm but stressed her out to the point she doesn’t even want to be outside has me livid all over again, but right now my priority isn’t getting back at him. It’s being here for Raegan.
All I want is to burrow myself under the covers and tuck her into my arms. Even now, when I know I shouldn’t be thinking about such things, my mind wanders to what it would feel like to have her body pressed so close to mine. But I stay where I am on top of the covers. Long after she falls asleep, I’m still fighting the temptation, and after several hours I manage to wrangle it into submission.
I feel like I’ve only been asleep for an hour when I wake up to the sound of birds chirping outside her bedroom window.
The room is completely dark, thanks to her blackout curtains doing the utmost work at blocking out the outside world. I glance at my watch and see it’s six forty in the morning. I internally groan.
Typically I don't need to get ready for work for another hour, so I rest my head back against the pillow and allow myself time to just lay here. It’s been a while since I’ve truly rested. Between running the coffee shop, trying to keep up with basic human hygiene, and worrying about Raegan’s safety every second of the day, my mind has been on overdrive. But right now, for the first time in a week, everything is quiet. So I relax.
I allow myself another ten minutes to do just that, then my brain starts whirring back to life. My first thought is to make Raegan breakfast before she goes to work. I carefully roll to my side and into a sitting position. Her bed is way less creaky than the one I’ve been making her sleep in at my house. Maybe I should pull the trigger and finally get a new bed frame for the guest room.
I stand from the bed just as Raegan moans grumpily and shifts positions. A smile warms my face. There are so many versions of her, and I love every one of them. The stubborn, confrontational Raegan, the overthinker, the playful and lighthearted Raegan, and the one I’m looking at now: the unguarded Raegan in her safe place. A perfect little burrito protected from the world.
It takes me thirty minutes to scramble eggs and crisp up some bacon in her mini air fryer. By the time I’m plating her meal, Raegan shuffles out of her bedroom with tired eyes and slippers the shape of cat paws. She’s changed out of her clothes from yesterday and is now wearing a sweatshirt and sleep shorts.
She’s clearly not planning on getting ready for work.
