My stomach knots, because no, of course I didn’t. “I’m not good enough for her,” I snap, because it’s the only thing that feels solid in my head right now.
Her eyebrows shoot up. “Why do you believe that? What is so catastrophically wrong with you that makes you so unworthy?”
I open my mouth, but nothing comes out. Because it’s not one neat little reason, it’s years of not feeling good enough and one failed relationship that confirmed all of my worst suspicions about myself.
Jessie takes a step closer. “Luke, you’ve been alone since I met you. And I think that might have been working for you before, but I’m not sure it’s working for you now. You’ve actually been happy these past couple of months. Don’t you deserve to be happy?”
“Don’t,” I warn, heat rising in my chest.
“I know your ex did a number on you. What was it you said when we met? That she told you you were too emotionally unavailable? Well, you’ve been proving her right for years. Salt is a fortress, Luke. You make the rules here. No one gets close unless you let them, and you never really let them.”
“It’s not just Lucy,” I say, running a hand over my face. “I’ve been told my whole damn life I’m… either too much, or not enough. Take your pick.”
Jessie softens slightly. “Who told you that?”
I shrug, but my parents’ faces flash into my mind. My parents treated me like a responsibility to bankroll, not a son to love. Then I’d sit at Nick and Em’s table and watch what a real family looked like – warmth, laughter, love. It only threw the emptiness at home into sharper relief.
I feel the old, familiar burn behind my eyes, and I shove it down. “It’s just… the pattern. People leave. They always leave.”
Jessie’s voice is quieter now. “And Emmy?”
I exhale hard. “Emmy will figure out sooner or later that she can do better. I’m just… getting out of the way before that happens.”
Her eyes are sharp again. “That’s not noble, Luke. That’s cowardly. You don’t get to dress it up as protecting her whenwhat you’re actually doing is protectingyourselffrom being left.”
“She’s better off without me.”
“That’s not your choice to make,” Jessie fires back, stepping right into my space now. “You think you’re sparing her? You’re not. You’re abandoning her.”
Her words hit me like a physical blow.
Jessie sighs, shaking her head. “You’ve built this whole persona to keep people from seeing the parts of you that you think are unlovable. But Luke… she’s already seen them. And she stayed. What the hell does that tell you?”
I look away, my throat tight. “That she hasn’t seen enough yet.”
Jessie swears under her breath. “You’re a bloody idiot,” she repeats, softer this time. She heads for the door, then pauses. “One day, you’re going to regret letting her believe you didn’t want her. And when you’re sitting alone in this fortress, surrounded by your ropes and rules, you’ll know you did that to yourself.”
She stands and looks back at me one more time before stomping out of my office. The glass rattles as she slams the door, but it’s her words that leave my ears ringing.
This is for the best, right? I’m protecting Em. She and Nick will patch things up and we’ll just forget this little chapter ever happened. But even as I try and convince myself, Emmy’s face flashes in my mind. The shock, the hurt, the devastation – it was written all over her features. We both know this has become more than just sex. It’s not just physical. It never was. I fell for Emmy the moment she turned up at my front door with two coffees and a wild idea.
What if Jessie’s right and she thinks I don’t want her? My heart crumples in my chest as I think of her expression in themoment I walked away. I put that pain there. And that just makes me hate myself a little bit more.
The following morning, I wake to the unbearable weight of regret sitting on my chest. It’s been four days since I walked away and I haven’t heard a word from Emmy. I didn’t expect to – I don’t deserve to – but I feel the absence of her like a physical ache.
All around the house, I find little signs of her. A hair tie, left on the sink. A pair of socks that she must have dropped in my laundry basket. The hazelnut coffee capsules she insisted on bringing because the extra strong espresso ones I usually buy “taste like punishment”.
Jessie’s words continue to haunt me throughout the day, even as I work from home to avoid her. But by the evening, my mind is made up.
I’ve got to go and see Emmy.
CHAPTER 44
Emmy
Sloane
You nearly home?
