“Bastard! Bastard!” shouts Annabel as she emerges from the living room in her pyjamas. Chloe grimaces and I chuckle, tousling my goddaughter’s hair.
“Exactly, Bells,” I say, scooping her up. “How’s my best girl?” She rattles off an incredibly detailed description of a pigeon she saw in the playground at school and then wriggles down.
“How are you holding up, Em?” Josh asks as Annabel tugs me down the hallway and into the living room.
“I’ve been better.” I offer the bottle of gin and he takes it with a small bow.
“A double then, ladies?”
“Please.”
“You two sit. I’ll wrangle this troublemaker into bed,” he says, tickling Annabel, who shrieks and runs upstairs. “Gins will be ready in ten!”
We make our way to the sofa and flop in either corner. Chloe fixes me with a look that’s all sympathy laced with anger. My face crumples and within moments I’ve dissolved into tears. Yep, definitely in the puddle phase of the breakup.
Chloe is on me instantly, pulling me into her arms and stroking my hair as I sob into her neck. She’s wearing some really cute cream pyjamas and I sob harder when I realise I’m leaving mascara all over them. What are these? Cashmere? The thought makes me cry harder.
“Shhh, shhh, shhh,” she intones, using the soft noises she deploys when one of her children has bumped their head or grazed their knee. For a moment I feel safe and then I’m hit with a wave of grief as I remember that my own mother will never lovingly soothe my tears again.
They’ve been gone a long time now but grief has a long tail and you never know when it’s going to spring up like a jack in the box and slap you in the face. For a while, Chloe just holds me and I let myself fall apart. She’s one of my safest places, my ride or die bestie. I’d cut out a kidney with a butter knife if she needed one.
“Darling, darling,” she repeats, rubbing circles on my back as I curl up into her hug and my weeping slows into hiccupping sobs. “Would you like me to kill him for you? There’s a spot in Ashtead woods where no one would ever find his body.”
The joke, gentle though it is, breaks the spell and I snort-laugh, grateful for a reprieve from the wracking pain in my chest.
“I just feel so stupid, Chlo,” I sniff, accepting a large gin and tonic from Josh, who’s just reappeared. He is completely unperturbed by my outburst and I feel a spike of genuine happiness that my best friend has found a rare man that’s both emotionally intelligent and kind. I smile gratefully, take a small sip, and cough. The drink must be 50% gin. Josh grins.
“Why on earth would you feel stupid, my love?” Chloe replies, a frown deepening between her brows. Her long blonde hair is tied up in an artfully messy bun and her blue eyes are filled with concern. She looks like an off-duty supermodel, even when she’s just been snotted on by a grown woman.
“Things have been somehfor a while. I just kept assuming it would get better. I kept thinking he’d make partner and then remember I existed.” I hiccup back a few sobs that are threatening to break free.
“You deserve so much better than this darling.” Chloe sips her own drink and grimaces, side eyeing Josh, who shrugs.
“I’m an idiot for thinking it would all just work out. What a fool. I’ve let myself settle for so much less than I deserve.”
“Well, you weren’t to know he was screwing around on you,” replies Chloe, her lip curling in distaste. “What sort of name is Stacey anyway?!”
I snort.
“She’s beautiful though, I completely get it. Like the little mermaid but with bigger tits. I’d have snogged her if given the chance.”
Josh coughs a laugh.
“That aside, you’re not stupid for hoping your marriage would get better.”
“No, but I’ve let myself become a passenger in my own life. I let Colin choose so much. What house we have, what car wehave, where we go, and who we hang out with. You’re the only thing that’s totally mine, you know? You guys and Nick are all I’ve got.” I sniff at the thought. I suddenly feel very alone.
“Well, you’ve got Annabel and the twins too, it’s not just the three of us.” She winks. “They think the sun shines out of your bum and that you only fart glitter and rainbows. And there’s Luke. He’s basically family, right?”
“Right,” I reply, choking slightly on the gin fumes that burn my nostrils as I bury my face in my glass. I feel my cheeks flush. I definitely do not want to talk about Luke right now.
My brain keeps bouncing back to Wednesday night and it’s not my slight hysteria or Nick’s shock and anger that come to mind. It’s the stillness that came over Luke as I told him of Colin’s betrayal. I shudder slightly, trying to shake off the feelings that are shimmering around the edges of my consciousness. This is not the time to think about Luke Pullman.
“Well, we’re going to take care of you, missy,” says Chloe, sitting upright and putting on her bossy mum voice. “Josh is taking the kids tomorrow and we’ve got a spa day booked. We’ll literally steam that dickhead out of your heart if we have to!”
“Oh Chloe, you really are my fairy godmother, aren’t you?” We clink glasses and down our drinks, shuddering in unison as the gin hits. “More drinks, bartender!” I cheer as Josh gets up. This time, he returns with the bottle.
I wake to a small pink tongue licking my hand. I jolt and sit upright, finding Annabel sat on the floor beaming up at me. She’s crept into the spare room and judging by the darkness, it’s not even 6am yet.
