“So,” he replies, holding my gaze.
“Last night was… a surprise,” I begin, giving him a half smile. He returns it and I take a sip of coffee for courage.
“Indeed,” he agrees and then hesitates. “We’ve only been open a year or so. I’m really proud of it but it’s not something that’s easy to announce to friends and family.” He gives me a slightly wry smile.
“I totally get it. And youshouldbe proud. I obviously only saw the bar area but Sloane raved about the, er, private rooms.” I feel myself blush and Luke’s eyes flick down to my cheeks before returning to my eyes.
“They’re pretty special,” he replies.
“I’m sure you’ve spent plenty of time in them – perk of the job, right?” I instantly regret saying this as he purses his lips almost imperceptibly.
“What can I do for you this morning, Emmy?” he replies, his voice bordering somewhere between soft and stern.
“Well, I had an idea,” I say. “Hear me out, ok?”
He raises his eyebrows and nods, so I plough on.
“Sloane may be a meddlesome witch but she’s also right. I am looking for something, or someone, to help me with scratching a few particular itches.” He swallows and I continue. “Look, Colin’s the only person I’ve ever been with and we got together when I was 18. He is as vanilla as they come. I’m interested in, er, more than that.”
He blinks and says nothing but nods slowly.
“I want to explore things. I want to learn what my body likes. I want to push myself. I’m not looking for love or commitment or weekend strolls on the beach. I’m looking for a no strings, physical relationship, with someone I trust, who can help me figure out who I am. In this sense at least. I’ve got a list of things I want to try and I guess I’m looking for a… teacher.” I finish and meet his gaze again.
Luke goes very still. His jaw ticks, his throat working like he’s swallowed ground glass. For a second, something flashes across his face – want, or maybe pain – before he shutters it so fast, I almost doubt I saw it at all. The silence stretches and I take refuge in my coffee, breaking eye contact as I drain my cup.
“And you’re proposing that this teacher is someone from Salt?” he finally replies.
“Yes, I am. Maybe someone in a leadership position there? Someone who clearly knows the ropes and is very good at keeping secrets.” I give him a sly smile and he inhales sharply and closes his eyes.
“Em, I’m really flattered.” A long pause. “But no. It can’t be me. I’ve known you since you were a kid. It would be wrong. You’re Nick’s little sister. You’re still hurting, you’re not thinking straight. It can’t be me.” He shakes his head as if confirming it to himself.
“Defining me by my relationship to a man? Kind of regressive for someone who owns a sex club, Luke,” I counter.
His jaw flexes again and he frowns.
“That’s not what I meant. This is aterribleidea. I can’t be that for you. I fully support your goal to expand your… horizons… but I can’t, Emmy. Nick is like a brother to me. It’s too complicated.” He closes his eyes, as if wrestling with something he can’t quite put words to, but his answer is clear.
My heart slows as a wave of sadness blooms in my chest. I know what I proposed was a long shot but I can’t help but feel a sense of sorrow at his gentle rejection. When I came up with the idea this morning, I felt so good about it. Luke’s trustworthy, kind, and loyal. He’s clearly got a secret kinky streak. And the man isbeautiful. Surely, he’s perfect for the Fuckit List?
I blink a few times as I feel the sting of tears and curse myself for being pathetic. He clocks it, because of course he does, and reaches for me across the sofa. I instantly shift back, clearing my throat and painting on a bright smile.
“No worries, I just thought I’d ask,” I say, with faux cheerfulness. His usual stoic mask falters and I see a few emotions I can’t quite identify flicker across his face. “I’ve actually got a yoga class around the corner in a sec,” I fib, casting my eyes out the window. “Best get going!”
He opens his mouth like he might say something, might stop me, but no protest comes. I have to get out of here before I truly humiliate myself. I can feel the panic rising in my chest as I stand and speed-walk to the door.
“Bye, Luke!” I call, yanking the door open and stumbling into the street before he can catch up to me, desperate for the cool air to burn the shame off my skin.
By the time I turn the corner onto the main road, my face is hot and my chest is tight. What the hell was I thinking? Throwing myself at Nick’s best friend like some desperate teenager. Of all the men in London, I pick the only one who’s basically family. Mortifying doesn’t even begin to cover it.
Still… that look in his eyes. For a second, I could have sworn he wanted it too. I shake the thought off as quickly as it comes, swallowing the lump in my throat. No more fantasies. No more dangerous crushes. I’ve singed myself once already tonight, and I won’t make the mistake of reaching for the flame again.
CHAPTER 16
Emmy
“Oh honey,”sighs Chloe, holding out a glass of wine to me. It’s Sunday afternoon and I’ve just finished regaling her with the news about Luke being a secret sex club tycoon and his subsequent rejection of yours truly. If ever there was an ‘oh honey’ moment, this is it.
“I know right,” I reply, leaning heavily against her kitchen counter and knocking back a glug of sauvignon blanc. It’s extra crisp and burns in a good way. Day drinking is definitely the answer.
